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384 pages, Paperback
First published July 16, 2024
“The one thing that hasn’t changed at all is him loving me. And me loving him. It’s our tether, the thing that’s never let us drift too far.”
“How strange it is to have a first for the second time. How lucky and messy and perfect.”
“Isn’t that the way I deserve to be loved— completely, messily, imperfectly? Isn’t that the way I deserve to love myself? And isn’t it what Eli deserves, too?”
“And maybe it’s not stupid, I think as he presses me into the mattress in a way that feels vital, like I’m being consumed by him. Maybe it’s just like going back to visit a home that isn’t yours anymore. Maybe you don’t have the key, but someone lets you in anyway, and you stay awhile, and it feels so good just to be somewhere you once belonged.”
It’s a gift to know someone when you’re in love with them, and a curse when you’re out of it.
For a girl who struggled so mightily to know the shape and feeling of home, it’s a revelation to have so many places—and people—to call it.
It’s a privilege to have someone trust you enough to show you those pieces of themselves, the most vulnerable and tender, the least polished. It’s a show of trust to let you see them first thing in the morning, in the middle of a panic attack, right after they’ve cried. To give you a shaky smile after a messy fight. To come back to you again and again with their heart in their hands.
Time is a miracle. It shows you what you had, and sometimes it brings it back to you. Different. Better.
“I’m in love with you.”[ Contains some spoilers ]
I get out a strangled, “Again?”
He’s not smiling, but his mouth is soft, his eyes are soft, this word is soft: “Still.”
He’s the same and totally different. The fifteen-year-old boy I liked and the twenty-year-old man I loved, and the twenty-eight-year-old I have to keep right here, because at one point he was the twenty-three-year-old man who broke my heart.
“adulthood is staring at your phone and wondering which of your friends has enough time to deal with your latest emotional meltdown, then realizing none of them do.”I literally felt this in my soul!
“I’m so in love with you that I feel like I can’t breathe. I think it every time I look at you, every time you let me in or you laugh or you look at me like I mean something to you. I know it’s fucking messy, and I know you hate that, but it’s also true.”
” through so much change and turmoil and separate growth. The one thing that hasn’t changed at all is him loving me. And me loving him. It’s out tether, the thing that never let us drift too far”
” we can be all those things—good, bad, easy and needy, okay or not bad on endless cycle— and trust that the other will stay. Our circumstances are messy, but so is life. It doesn’t mean that we can’t love each other through it. We already are”
” when i say i’m in love with you, I mean today and yesterday and this entire week, i mean at nick and Miriam weeding and I mean for the past five years, when i say i’m still in love with you, i mean the first time i saw you and right now. I mean every second in between.”
” I want you any way I can have you. I want you every way i can have you”