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The Unmentionables

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From the warped mind of Lance Carbuncle comes another genre-defying tale of mayhem, madness, and revenge. When a portal to the netherworld spews noxious fumes over an entire town, the villagers are collectively driven mad and direct their murderous rage toward one outcast youth. With almost the whole town set against him, Greg Samsa does the only thing he can, turning to his deceased grandfather’s occult paraphernalia to help defend himself. In the attic of his dilapidated family mansion, Greg builds an army of reanimated fetal pigs, stoner lunkhead servants, flying piss-monkeys, and raccoon bodyguards. Greg has taken all that he can stand. The villagers want him and his family gone. It’s all headed for a savage, gore-splattered showdown between good and evil in small-town Ohio.

310 pages, Kindle Edition

Published April 5, 2017

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About the author

Lance Carbuncle

7 books511 followers
The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle was born sometime during the last millennium and he’s been getting bigger, older and uglier ever since. Carbuncle is an ordained minister with the Church of Spiritual Humanism. Carbuncle doesn’t eat deviled eggs and he doesn’t drink cheap beer. Carbuncle doesn’t wear sock garters. Carbuncle does tell stories. Carbuncle’s stories are channeled through a pathetic little man who has to work a respectable job during the days in order to feed the infestation of children in his house. Carbuncle's first novel, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, his award-winning Grundish and Askew, Sloughing Off the Rot, and his recently released The Unmentionables are sold through Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com. More reviews of Carbuncle's books can be found on Amazon and Barnesandnoble.com.

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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
Profile Image for Melki.
6,913 reviews2,541 followers
July 10, 2017
"Desperate wishes from injured souls just might have enough strength to come true."

We've all heard tales of bullied teens being pushed too far, in fiction, and sadly, in real life, but Carbunkle takes us into Bizarro territory with his much maligned protagonist, Greg Samsa. Poor Greg, everyone's favorite punching bag, suddenly finds at his disposal an army of attack raccoons, some resurrected fetal baby pigs, and a truly disturbing regiment of eight-legged sea monkey things. Oh, yeah - Greg's mad as hell, and he's about to open a truly weird can of whoop-ass!

There's a lot to love in this one, besides the fact that The author picks some great character names: we meet Greg's Spanish teacher - Mr. French, another teacher named Miss Demerit, Coach Manlove, Wally, Lumpy, and of course, Eddie. The Samsa homestead is a veritable Winchester House, complete with mysteriously changing corridors, and evolving rooms. There are heroes to root for, and villains to boo. Plus the previously mentioned creepy critters.

See - lots to love.

The faint o' heart should be warned, though you can probably already guess - the ICK factor is strong with this one.
BUT, fans of turkey vultures and raccoons will have a field day.

description
Git 'em, boys!
Profile Image for Lance.
Author 7 books511 followers
April 25, 2017
I hate those fucking assholes who review their own books.
Profile Image for Bradley.
Author 9 books4,641 followers
December 9, 2017
Bizarro fiction! Gotta love bizarro fiction.

On the one hand, we've got a pretty fun and funny coming of age YA replete with bullies, bullying, stink fingers, and wildly inappropriate multiple mentioning of unmentionables. The characters are top notch underdogs against the world and so many of the names are brilliant and paint great pictures. Hello, Mister Manlove! (Coach) or the Spanish Teacher Mr. French. :)

We're treated to so much careful buildup and dark humor, and then *wham* the book takes the truly bizarre turn we expect in bizarro fiction.

So what happens when our main punching bag Greg gets ahold of the powers of a rift in reality and necromantic occult paraphernalia? You guessed it. Our bullied hero, along with his outcast friends carve up the town. Literally. With undead seahorse monsters, dead piggies that were once kept in embalming jars, an army of raccoons, and of deadheads and stoners that more than live up to their poor appellations. :)

Do you think this might be a catharsis thing? I do. :) A wildly bloody and gross catharsis thing. An anti-YA that still manages to be YA and lets us root for the necromancer. :)

Thanks to the author for the ARC! I'm very happy with the tale, and I'm still dark-chuckling. :)
Profile Image for Janie.
1,163 reviews
May 30, 2018
There appears to be a surplus of ill will in the small town of Findlay. Perhaps its source is in the fumes that emanate from a breach in the earth, spreading intimidation and fits of violence. This is no place for outsiders or for timid kids, who are bullied by their peers.

High school student Greg Samsa and his friends are pursued relentlessly by tormentors that hide behind every door and corner. The victims are shown no mercy when caught and beaten. Even the town pervert has it in for Greg. Greg and his family live in the Samsa mansion, a house that undergoes unnatural changes as it rearranges itself internally. During an escapade, Greg discovers the attic room. There is more magic in the attic than Greg could have ever imagined. As his home continues to mutate, Greg undergoes his own metamorphosis. Charged with the power of retribution, zombie piglets, piss monkeys and reanimated racoons, Greg is quick to turn the tables on a hateful town. Does this make Greg a hero, or a better person? Do the cops ever find their way out of the constantly reorienting Samsa mansion? Will the Big Bopper continue to bop with the cosmic flow? I'm with the Bopper, whose headphones are unconnected to any visible sound source. I think his path is true.
Profile Image for David Katzman.
Author 3 books520 followers
June 3, 2017
The Unmentionables is quite apropos. Bullies are topical because the President of the United States is a bully. This is a story about the physical and emotional violence of bullying as well as a revenge fantasy that satisfies one's inner need to end this abuse once and for all.

The main character's name is Greg Samsa, which is a reference to Gregor Samsa from The Metamorphosis. They both transform, and the transformation is intended to highlight and explore the psychological abuse that comes from various social circumstances, specifically in this case how family abuse and neglect can often turn boys into bullies and how the notion of communities that "just don't care" affects the possibilities for justice and mercy. And without the possibility for justice, we are left with revenge. Greg utterly loses control in his pursuit of revenge. It's repulsive, in many ways, and implicates the reader...Carbuncle touches on how revenge puts you on the same level as the abusers. Yet in this context, it's set up as the only way to end the violence and it provides satisfaction. Yet, perhaps there is another way, as represented by the likable old janitor, who does his best to defend and protect without violence. Unfortunately, he can't be there all the time.

Although the government isn't mentioned here, except for the ineffectual police department, The Unmentionables reminded me of the way that a violent culture, particularly the violence of our own government, trickles down to justify the hatred and violence directed toward those who are "different." Carbuncle made me uncomfortable, but this is a good thing. It's why a book being "disturbing" can also be valuable.
Profile Image for Rodney.
Author 5 books71 followers
May 3, 2017
The​ ​house​ ​where​ ​Greg​ ​lives​ ​has​ ​a​ ​long​ ​and​ ​bizarre​ ​history,​ ​stuff​ ​of​ ​legend​ ​in​ ​the​ ​small​ ​town​ ​of Findlay.​ ​It’s​ ​constantly​ ​shifting​ ​interior​ ​structure​ ​assures​ ​that​ ​there​ ​is​ ​always​ ​something​ ​new​ ​to
discover.​ ​Never​ ​able​ ​to​ ​keep​ ​a​ ​room​ ​for​ ​himself​ ​very​ ​long​ ​before​ ​it​ ​is​ ​ruined,​ ​he​ ​hides​ ​away​ ​in secret​ ​places​ ​until​ ​they​ ​are​ ​found​ ​and​ ​again,​ ​destroyed.​ ​See​ ​Greg​ ​is​ ​bullied,​ ​not​ ​only​ ​at​ ​school, but​ ​in​ ​his​ ​own​ ​home​ ​by​ ​his​ ​brother​ ​and​ ​two​ ​idiot​ ​friends.​ ​His​ ​sister​ ​and​ ​her​ ​band​ ​of​ ​wild​ ​pet raccoons​ ​also​ ​like​ ​to​ ​ruin​ ​his​ ​places​ ​of​ ​solace.Things​ ​are​ ​only​ ​seeming​ ​to​ ​get​ ​worse,​ ​as something​ ​has​ ​been​ ​unleashed​ ​upon​ ​Findlay,​ ​and​ ​it’s​ ​inhabitants​ ​have​ ​suddenly​ ​developed​ ​a penchant​ ​for​ ​violence​ ​and​ ​cruelty.​ ​Greg’s​ ​tormentors​ ​have​ ​become​ ​even​ ​more​ ​of​ ​a​ ​problem.​ ​As all​ ​of​ ​this​ ​is​ ​unfolding,​ ​he​ ​stumbles​ ​upon​ ​a​ ​secret​ ​attic​ ​room​ ​and​ ​what​ ​he​ ​finds​ ​inside​ ​is​ ​about​ ​to change​ ​everything.
The​ ​strength​ ​of​ ​the​ ​Lance​ ​Carbuncle’s​ ​work​ ​lies​ ​in​ ​the​ ​high​ ​entertainment​ ​value,​ ​preserving​ ​the
interest​ ​of​ ​the​ ​reader​ ​when​ ​there​ ​are​ ​many​ ​things​ ​going​ ​on,​ ​with​ ​prose​ ​that​ ​never overcomplicates​ ​things.​ ​The​ ​characters​ ​in​ ​The​ ​Unmentionables​ ​are​ ​identifiable​ ​and​ ​memorable. The​​ ​​revenge​​ ​​comes​​​​ ​​with​​ ​​an​​ ​​army​​ ​​of​​ ​​lovably​​ ​​ass-backwards​ ​creatures​ ​as​ ​assistance.​​ ​​Findlay​ ​is that​ ​town​ ​you​ ​and​ ​your​ ​relatives​ ​grew​ ​up​ ​in.​ ​With​ ​it’s​ ​coming​ ​of​ ​age​ ​qualities,​ ​one​ ​could​ ​say​ ​The Unmentionables​ ​is​ ​more​ ​straightforward​ ​than​ ​other​ ​book​s ​from​ ​Lance​ ​Carbuncle,​ ​but​ ​you​ ​can​ ​still expect​ ​it​ ​to​ ​be​ ​simultaneously​ ​crude​ ​and​ ​full​ ​of​ ​heart.​ ​This​ ​is​ ​the​ ​one​ ​to​ ​start​ ​with​ ​if​ ​you​ ​have​ ​yet to​ ​read​ ​the​ author.​ ​Note:​ ​I​ ​was​ ​provided​ ​with​ ​an​ ​advance​ ​review​ ​copy​ ​of​ ​this​ ​book​ ​in​ ​exchange for​ ​an​ ​honest​ ​review.​ ​This​ ​did​ ​not​ ​influence​ ​the​ ​content​ ​of​ ​this​ ​review.
Profile Image for Lori.
1,670 reviews55.7k followers
April 8, 2017
Lance Carbuncle transforms words into weapons – a furious onslaught of vulgarities that are wickedly full of heart, they squeeze the air right out of you, a literary chokehold.

In The Unmentionables, Lance turns his attention to small town bullying. Greg Samsa's family never quite fit in, and as Greg begins to tire of running and hiding from classmate and big-time school bully Wade and his gooney side-kicks, strange things begin to follow. When he uncovers his grandfather's carney paraphenalia in the attic of the family mansion, he accidentally births an army of zombie fetal pig corpses, crazed raccoons, and flying piss-monkeys (which actually don't resemble monkeys at all). Realizing he is now in a position to get revenge on everyone who's ever picked on him or his friends, Greg sets his wicked posse loose on the townspeople, all of whom are out for his blood.

Make sure you're buckled up. It's a wicked, raunchy ride.





Profile Image for Jason.
1,295 reviews131 followers
May 24, 2017
The only book I had read by the Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle was Grundish and Askew and I loved that, a violent, funny and bizarre story so I was really happy to see he had a new book. If you were ever bullied at school, then this book is a must read for you, the ultimate revenge book. If you were a bully at school, or thinking of a career in school bullying then read this as a warning.

Lance hits the nail on the head with the bizarre story, a magical house that alters itself depending on it's mood, zombie pigs, flying creatures grown in jars of wee and the Big Bopper, casually walking around town witnessing events as they unfold. I'm not really sure of why he is in the book other than being a witness, but he is cool and it was fun reading his little moments.

There are a number of full page illustrations and they are fantastic, some very dark stuff.

One thing is missing for me, the humour. The book seems very serious and it needed a bit of humour to grab my attention more and become a 5star book.

A very interesting story, I recommend you give it a read.
Profile Image for Donald Armfield.
Author 67 books173 followers
April 11, 2017
There is something going on in Findlay. A house of Unmentionable recreation lurks in a neighborhood of nosey neighbors.
There is something about the man who bops his way down the street to music only he can hear.
Greg a bullied teenager from schoolyard bullies finally shows these punks what it's like to be bullied... in means of death.
A cross between "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" & A Mad Scientist, comes an animal ballistic tale of bizarre happenings and revenge. Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle has returned from a coffin with a trail of reanimated fetal pigs, flying piss monkeys and fierce raccoons. Get your paraphernalia hats on... your in for a heck of a ride.
Profile Image for Miguel Bizarre.
Author 3 books6 followers
May 29, 2017
Once again the author of the incredible book Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed: Lance Carbuncle brings forth a brutal story that will make you recall the horrors or middle/Jr. High school (depending what region you grew up in)
Immediately into the prologue you are grabbed into a vivid harsh setting that will make you tilt your head backwards wondering what is going on.Yet you’ll be drawn right back into the violence as the words form beautiful sentences describing the event that will prepare you for the crazy ride you are about to embark on.
The Bopper is my favorite character yet there are many others including the main character Greg Samsa the nice quiet boy that everyone knows in class plus his wonderful friends Creepy Kelsey Stevens and John Holloway. The book takes you through the pain and agony of being bullied in school and out on the streets. No one is safe from the torment. Especially when you are different the tragedy of life is notched up way too high. Greg struggles in school with torment and torture from the other kids and when the last bell sounds he has no choice but to run home.
The book takes a wicked slowly building twist on so many things. He resides in a Victorian Queen Anne home with it’s own unique traits including a maze like interior along with his mother Big Shirl, sister Li’l Shirl and an evil brother named Wally. Through out the story you’ll learn of a bountiful bunch of characters from carnies, a pervert named Crooked Neck, a hulking lad named Hopalong who wears a cowboy hat and rides a hobbyhorse (slightly mentally diminished with a meteorological gift), various bullies, a typical P.E. Coach, others and a basset hound that I think might be Idjit Galoot and others. (get the book I mentioned at the beginning of the article to meet Idjit) During the tale you’ll meet the Unmentionables as well that adds even more spark into sinuous darkness and joy into the story.
The Unmentionables is a book well worth your time and money well spent. I personally bought the kindle edition yet it is so good I am buying the paperback to add to my collection of Carbuncle books. He is a majorly creative writer with an imagination that will keep you entertained. He writes the type of books I enjoy and I am sure you will too. Along with the wonderful words are illustrations by the talented Joe Tomlinson who brings to life what Lance describes exactly as I had imagined. As I said before this is definitely something to pick up or order online in whatever format you desire. Cheers and read away!!!
May 14, 2022
Not only is this author super hot, but this book made me fall madly in love with him because it is clear he uses his art to do good in this world. This book is for the kids, man, and for your inner child too. Plus it includes more red head characters like Big Shirl (I think he has a thing for red headed characters because lil Angus in "Smashed" had red hair too). You should read this book just to really explore the soul eating effects bullying has which is more relevant than ever in today's social media entrenched culture. Dr. Carbuncle is a national treasure and his work is like Pringles once you pop you just can't stop. So don't just stop here, read all of his work and check out his fucking art too he is talented as shit!!! Like a trailer park Basquiat and I mean that in the best way!!!
Profile Image for Marvin.
1,414 reviews5,392 followers
August 7, 2017
Four and a half stars.

Very few authors have such an crazy sense of imagination as Lance Carbuncle. Strange going-ons, weird characters and nightmare creatures abound in his four novels. Whether it is the Brautiganesque world of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, The sociopathic cousins a la Mice and Men in Grundish and Askew, or the Hieronymus Bosch meets William S. Burroughs landscape of Sloughing off the Rot, Carbuncle's novels are all different but alike in his unique style which is as rude and disturbing as...well.....a lanced carbuncle. But much funnier.

His fourth and newest novel is The Unmentionables and in some ways it is the most straight horror story he has written so far. It centers on Greg Samsa (name sounds familiar?) who is one of the most picked on boys in the small town of Finlay. The book is sort of a strange coming-of-age tale with a character that I suspect a lot of avid readers can identify with. He's a pretty smart kid but his wits is not enough to keep him from the terrors of adolescent bullying. That is until he find a stash of books and paraphernalia associated to black magic in the Winchester House clone he lives in. Parallel to this, the townspeople seem to be getting meaner and more violent which may be related to a underworld portal spurting out noxious fumes. Add on to this combo of terror vicious raccoons, living dead pig fetuses (the titled Unmentionables) and piss monkeys (don't ask, just read) and you get an idea how outlandish this seemingly "normal" coming of age horror story really gets. And there are turkey vultures, There are always turkey vultures.

It's all by the plan in the author's world. Hook you with weird but likable characters and once you're hooked, throw all that wild stuff at you . It may not be for everyone but it is delicious fun all the way. It may not be horror as much as black comedy. As Greg seeks revenge on the bullies, actually he's pretty angry at the entire town, it is hard to not like him no matter how rough it gets. Then there are those names; Coach Manlove, The Spanish Teacher Mr. French, and Wally, Lumpy and Eddie which works as an in-joke for the baby boomers to chuckle at. Mr. Carbuncle seems to like to give his characters clever names as much as he like to make his readers to go "Ewww,(giggle)"

Even though The Unmentionables may be the most straight-forward of his books, I hesitate to say "mainstream", it is still a far cry from safe and reassuring. But among the bizarre gore and violence there is always the feeling of a roller coaster ride with the sounds of screams and laughter. The Unmentionables may be weird and gross but it is always a lot of fun and maybe closer to our actual emotions and events in our life that we might be afraid to admit. Let's face it. Life is rude and disturbing. Perhaps it needs to be funnier...like Lance Carbuncle and his novels.
Profile Image for Michael.
Author 53 books64 followers
May 18, 2017
Lance Carbuncle doesn't write nice normal fiction. Each book he writes weaves in a variety of styles so you get a jarring read that jumps from horror, to bizarro. When I was given to opportunity to review The Unmentionables I dove right in and his latest novel doesn't dissapoint. The book is full of characters that hover just on the fringes of society and given a chance to shine. In any other book, these would be side characters, but in Carbuncle's book they're the stars. The story itself is exactly what we'd expect form Carbuncle, but with a twist. Sure, at times, it can be gross, and totally bizarre, but this isn't just a story about revenge. It's about a kid who's finally able to stand up for himself, to be the bully if you will.

For fans of weird fiction, you can't go wrong with The Unmentionables. As it develops, you're given a front row seat to piss monkeys, and a mansion that seems to grow, and change at will. When Greg is finally pushed to the limit the story really moves, and you find yourself cheering, despite the fact that he's becoming just like his tormentors. It's clearly not for those who are easily offended, or hate weird fiction. At times, he's crude, and doesn't shy away from violence, but it's still a well written novel that explores the darker side of human nature.
Profile Image for Norm.
Author 21 books50 followers
May 23, 2017
Engrossing with an emphasis on grotesque.

Every once in a while you read a book that takes you back to the unpleasantness of schools with their bullies, locker rooms, and that sordid underbelly where students hide their truths from their parents and teachers. The Unmentionables is a painful reminder of being a victim, unless you were the bully in which case you wouldn’t read this book because you’re far too dimwitted.

Greg Samsa is one such victim, tormented by two trios of bullies. Painfully aware of their developing bodies, Greg, his best friend Jim and crush Kelsey hide out in Greg’s circus Grandfather’s mansion, discovering its deep secrets while awakening the mansion itself to join the fray. Other sub-plots include a surprising love story, the cosmic traveler The Big Bopper, who could surely command his own book, and the discovery of beings that don’t belong in this or any other world. Kids are the primary protagonists, but not necessary the intended audience, and the cast of many hundreds include freaks, villains, dead critters and an entire town overcome by a black cloud that strips away their humanity.

Very readable with disturbing imagery, the author revels in writing what people think in their dark hearts, in this raunchy, school-age book that both hooks and repels in the same way King thrilled and grossed us out with Pet Sematary.

Profile Image for Erica Phillips.
58 reviews4 followers
March 9, 2018
I read this book in exchange for an honest review. In truth, I would have read it anyway! I thought, going in, that it would be a blood bath kind of horror novel. Not so, and I was pleasantly surprised. Its central theme is bullying. High school bullying in a town seemingly under a spell from chemicals in the air. I sensed a Stephen king - esq themes from pet cemetery and Carrie. A mysterious supernaturally intelligent house. Bringing things back from the dead. Revenge on bullies who kept the main characters down using newly gained confidence and abilities. An easy read, and it flows well. I enjoyed the new vocabulary words I encountered, I am fairly well read but I loved seeing new words as descriptors. Funny names for characters was a bonus, and a plot that was both twisted and also classic in its bizarro horror elements.
Profile Image for Daniela.
81 reviews
May 23, 2017
Full disclosure: the author gave me a copy of the book in exchange for an honest review, so here it goes.
I was not expecting this at all.
By now I'm kind of used to Carbuncle's style of bizarro fiction, over-the-top situations and colourful language. However, I was not expecting to be so moved, and I was. Unlike his previous work, this seems more personal, more honest. Some parts of this book were painful to read, the depictions of bullying were way too graphic and extreme, but knowing that this sort of thing does happen, made the scenes feel organic as opposed to forced. I was tough, at several points I had to stop reading for a while, and I'm not exactly a squearmish person, at all. I can do brutality, drama, not so much. So it was hard, but it was also rewarding because once I got through the worst of Greg's life, I got to witness his rebirth. He's not a hero and he'll never be one and he knows it, but he also knows he has to stand his ground and say enough is enough. Problem is, when all your life you've been pushed around and cast aside, when you lose your patience you're going to pretty much explode and maybe even hurt people. It's a learning experience, and I think that's the core of this book: learning how to go from A to B without losing yourself in the process. I may be wrong and over-analyzing it, but that's what I got from it and I like it and I'm sticking to it.
It's still weird, crude and ridiculous, but the underlying story is also raw and honest and maybe even empowering. I was not expecting this at all and I'm glad that's the case, because it's a really, really good book.
My only negative critique would be that some characters needed a better, deeper backstory. Especially Greg's grandpa. Also, the process of how this... things come to life needed a bit more explanation (as insane and unlikely as it would have been, it would have been a nice touch). I felt this lack of information shifted my focus from a particular scene to my questioning the scene at times. It may not be much and I might be picky, but he did ask for an honest review, didn't he?
Anyhow, Reverend Carbuncle has yet to disappoint and I shall remain a fan. And I'm eagerly awaiting his next work because, I may not know much, but I know for a fact he's going to surprise me. Again. Party on, Carbuncle.
Profile Image for Frank.
Author 35 books126 followers
November 8, 2017
One thing is certain, you never get the same thing twice when you read Lance Carbuncle. THE UNMENTIONABLES is Carbuncle working in horror mode. And while you never know what you're going to get with Lance Carbuncle, the voice of the story is always, unquestionably, Lance Carbuncle. No one else could have written this book.
This was not my favorite Reverend Carbuncle book. I can't put my finger on exactly why. Perhaps it lacked that certain level of weirdness I've come to enjoy. That doesn't mean I found the story any less engaging or entertaining. I think I was just not able to connect and care about these characters as much as some of the memorable characters in some of his other books.
Still, this is a dark and wonderful horror story at its core. While the weird feels dialed down in this offering, there is still a healthy dose of weird in THE UNMENTIONABLES. In fact, as the story winds on it does gets weirder and weirder. It crescendos in a truly oddball ending the likes of which only Carbuncle himself could have crafted.
If you've always wanted to check out Lance Carbuncle and you have a penchant for dark horror or fantasy this is where you need to start. For those who've read Carbuncle the whole way, well I don't know how you're going to react to this one. I am certain one way or another you will find overall satisfaction with the story and you won't take up your pitchforks and slay the Carbuncle where he stands perched on his balcony, writing up a new gem for us to be blown away by.
Profile Image for G.
138 reviews10 followers
May 27, 2017
This is a very engaging tale set in the quaint town of Findlay, where something seems not quite right. Our hero, Greg is this scrawny little boy with abnormally big eyes which have earned him the nickname E.T. bestowed upon him by his cruel schoolmates. While kids usually get bullied just by schoolmates, the agony continues for E.T. Greg at his own home where his elder brother torments him as bad, if not worse, than the school bullies. But his house has many secrets. And those secrets take him down paths he had never imagined. Paths where he will not be able to tell wrong from right. Will these paths lead him to the pinnacle of his self, or lead him down the pits where all the ugly things thrive?

I am not entirely certain what genre to mark this often enthralling often disgusting book under. I haven't read any bizarro fiction, but from what I've read about the genre, this book would be right at home in the bizarro bookshelf.

I recommend it to people who have stomach for some grotesque stuff, and tolerance for eccentric storylines.
Profile Image for Ryan Gage.
1 review1 follower
April 24, 2017
Greg Samsa is a teenage outcast in the small town of Findlay, Ohio. He is a constant target for bullying and abuse at the hands of his classmates, his teachers, other townspeople and even his own brother. One gang of bullies led by Wade Busby, seems especially intent on making life hell for Greg and his only two friends Jim and Kelsey.

One day, while wandering the family’s old and decrepit mansion, Greg, Jim and Kelsey stumble upon an attic full of strange relics left behind by his carnie grandfather, the late Montag Samsa. A few unexpected twists and blunders later, Greg finds himself at the helm of an army of vultures, undead fetal pigs, voracious raccoons and aptly named ‘piss monkeys,’ all birthed by the strange wonders inside his grandfather’s attic.

After a series of particularly brutal run-ins with Wade Busby’s gang, Greg decides it’s time to fight back. He and his loyal legions of vermin are ready to take a spectacularly bloody stand against everyone who means to see him destroyed.

The twisted mind of Lance Carbuncle is on full display in The Unmentionables, which spares no blood, no gore and no mention of the various gross functions of the human body. It’s a vulgar and imaginative take on bullying, and the resiliency that people are capable of when they’re pushed to the limit.
June 26, 2017
The back of the book says, “From the warped mind of Lance Carbuncle comes another genre-defying tale of mayhem and madness.”

And that’s a good place to start. If you haven’t had the opportunity to get inside and walk around in the mind of the Reverend Dr. Lance Carbuncle’s warped mind you should really treat yourself and pick up a copy of his newest book, The Unmentionables. Once you’re inside his head, though, be careful where you step. I am absolutely certain that there are hidden quicksand pits that will suck you down and spit you out in a world far weirder than this one. The twisting, turning, ever shifting walls and halls and doors of the Samsa Mansion probably have a lot in common with what goes on in that amusingly demented brain of his.

Speaking of the Samsa Mansion, it is a major setting of the book, but also kind of a character. Part Winchester Mystery House and part Norman Bates residence, the mansion holds sway over the people who live there, the descendants of circus huckster and occult master Montag Samsa, and the residents of Findlay, Ohio. The mansion is dilapidated, filthy, and infested with raccoons. The townsfolk are uncomfortable, to say the least, with the mansion, as well as Greg Samsa and his family of left behind circus freaks. I’d still live there, given a chance.

When a portal to the netherworld spews noxious fumes over an entire town, the villagers are collectively driven mad and direct their murderous rage toward one outcast youth. With almost the whole town set against him, Greg Samsa does the only thing he can, turning to his deceased grandfather’s occult paraphernalia to help defend himself. In the attic of his dilapidated family mansion, Greg builds an army of reanimated fetal pigs, stoner lunkhead servants, flying piss-monkeys, and raccoon bodyguards. Greg has taken all that he can stand. The villagers want him and his family gone. It’s all headed for a savage, gore-splattered showdown between good and evil in small-town Ohio.

This book was a wall-to-wall blast to read. Not only do the main protagonists live and breathe, not only do you root for Greg and Kelsey and Jim, and commiserate with them quite often, the secondary characters have dimensions as well. Big Shirl, the retired Fat Lady from the circus and Greg’s mom, not only has dimension, she has her own gravity. Greg’s brother, Wally, is a straight up dick, as are his friends, Eddie and Lumpy. Lovable simpletons, Hopalong and Lil’ Shirl, round out Greg’s side. Then we have Wade Busby, the ultimate school bully, and his buddies Donnie and Chop. The worst of the worst. They are people that everyone has known, and hated. I personally knew guys just like this when I was in school, and I’ll quote Clarence Darrow here: “I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.”

To me, the star of The Unmentionables is really the language. It pops, all the way through. Open the book to any page and give it a scan. It won’t take long before you read a sentence that just jumps up and does the Watusi on the pleasure center of your brain. Aside from being an immensely enjoyable story, the words themselves are just plain fun to read. Written primarily in present tense, the private scenes make you feel like a welcome voyeur. The action scenes gush with urgency and tension. Greg’s inner monologue is indistinguishable from your own thoughts. The high quality of the writing brought me into the story and the present tense kept me there, ready to look over my shoulder to see if Wade was stalking me. I mean Greg. Stalking Greg. Not me. Greg.

I can’t recommend this book highly enough. I was on a roll of picking books that were hard to get into. Some of them good, but not that good. Some good, but a little on the dry side. I was in the middle of one such book, and I set it aside before finishing it, something I never do, in order to start The Unmentionables. What a breath of fresh air! It was like driving for hours through congested traffic and then suddenly hitting the open road without a cop in sight.
Profile Image for Renee.
Author 2 books10 followers
July 2, 2017
Must Be Mentioned

I first read Lance Carbuncle about 8 years ago when searching for a book a for little ole book club in Goliad, Texas that consisted of a elementary school teacher, a special ed diagnostics, a PhD professor at an university, a church secretary, and myself. I chose Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed, for two basic reasons, the title and the pen name. How could I not love his writing?
This preamble is to further express my adoration for Lance's style of writing. I have read all of his books and I have to say that I love The Unmentionables most of all. His writing is just getting better. When people ask what genre his book is I have to group him with Chuck Palahniuk, Kurt Vonnegut, and Monica Drake, to name a few, which I fondly label "what the f¢%& was that about" genre or "that was awesome".
In closing, I highly recommend this book and to let you all know, the church secretary has become one of the best friends I've ever known and I wish you could have seen how excited she was when I gave her a signed copy of Sloughing Off the Rot for her birthday. Keep books a coming!
Profile Image for Jason Pettus.
Author 13 books1,407 followers
Read
April 24, 2017
DECLINED TO REVIEW. I'm a fan of the talented bizarro author Lance Carbuncle, and am always happy to take a look at the latest work from his delightfully demented mind; but unfortunately his newest, the surprisingly straightforward The Unmentionables, is in actuality not much more than a Young Adult coming-of-age story with some supernatural elements laid on top of it, and CCLaP has a policy of not accepting YA stories for review. I would normally recommend that you read it anyway, if you yourself are a fan of YA books, but that's kind of the entire point; that as a 48-year-old with no kids, pretty much every single YA novel I've ever read sounds to me exactly like pretty much every single other YA novel I've ever read, ample evidence that I lack the critical skills necessary to be able to say with confidence, "Yes, this YA book is more worth your time than that YA book," which is why we don't accept this genre for review in the first place.
Profile Image for Andrew.
Author 3 books143 followers
December 23, 2017
Lance Carbuncle is one of my favorite authors so I went into reading The Unmentionables with pretty high expectations. I was not disappointed. It’s fast-paced, funny, weird, gross, and very creative...and yet, it’s classy. Someone who’s read a lot of literature will pick up on the deeper themes beneath the weirdness.
I’m not sure if this should be classified under Bizarro or Literature, but I do know that you should read it.
Profile Image for Aeon.
134 reviews10 followers
June 3, 2017
This being the first of its kind book for me to read, I felt overwhelmed and pissed and irritated; but engrossed in thia book anyway. At some points, the description given by the author just made me want to gag right there and then. Still, the story was quite interesting with ask the weirdness going on, I would say this was written by someone who was high at the moment but it is just too detailed and well written to be so. (It's a compliment).

What I have to say about this book is that it was definitely a wild read. And an interesting one, with the story set in a mediocre town and the protagonist way mediocre.
Profile Image for Bradley.
16 reviews
January 3, 2018
A truly wonderful twisted tale of vengeance! I was entertained from the opening of the book and was laughing the whole way through. I have a pretty twisted sense of humor in general but I feel the author did a fantastic job of using sarcasm to ease the reader into some of the darker aspects of the book. Overall, one of the most entertaining books that I have read in a while and plan to read more of Lance's works in the future.
Profile Image for Lloyd.
76 reviews
June 11, 2017
Strangely this is both Carbuncle's best writing and his least developed story. I'm holding out hope that his next work will be even better.
Profile Image for Shane.
1,397 reviews20 followers
March 30, 2021
This is my third book from Mr. Carbuncle and I have to say, "The hits just keep coming."

After bragging to my wife about how much fun and how crazy the first two books were I decided we should read this one together. She's hooked. We both laughed our asses off every night as I read this absurd, scatological tale of a boy pushed too far. All the characters were memorable and some were so archetypal that they put the reader right back in the shark pool of high school. This really makes it sound like an episode of the Wonder Years, so let me just mention, "piss monkeys", re-animated fetal pigs, rampaging undead racoons... I think that's enough to give you an idea.

I believe I missed one of Carbuncle's books, so my life won't be completely empty and worthless while I'm waiting for the next one, but I'm very curious where he's going from here.
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