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Unpunishable: Ending Our Love Affair with Punishment
Living with humans is messy. Our children make messes. Our spouses and friends make messes. So do our coworkers, bosses, pastors, and presidents . . . and so do we.
Messes are scary, painful, and offensive. And whether we're dealing with the pain of a personal failure, the frustration of a disrespectful child, the devastation of a major betrayal, the stress of a workplace conflict, or the fallout of larger social injustices, classically we react the same way--with fear, shame, and punishment.
These reactions are understandable . . . but they don't do anything to fix the problem. In fact, they only perpetuate a culture of fear, unforgiveness, retribution, and disconnection.
Jesus came to show us a better way to respond to human messes--the way of repentance, reconciliation, and restoration. This way removes fear, shame, and punishment from people's lives, empowers them to deal with the root of their problems, and equips them to build a new lifestyle of walking in the light and protecting connection with God, themselves, and others.
Unpunishable is a roadmap for walking out repentance, reconciliation, and restoration in our own lives, leading others in this journey, and creating punishment-free cultures of love in our lives, relationships, families, churches, and organizations.
Messes are scary, painful, and offensive. And whether we're dealing with the pain of a personal failure, the frustration of a disrespectful child, the devastation of a major betrayal, the stress of a workplace conflict, or the fallout of larger social injustices, classically we react the same way--with fear, shame, and punishment.
These reactions are understandable . . . but they don't do anything to fix the problem. In fact, they only perpetuate a culture of fear, unforgiveness, retribution, and disconnection.
Jesus came to show us a better way to respond to human messes--the way of repentance, reconciliation, and restoration. This way removes fear, shame, and punishment from people's lives, empowers them to deal with the root of their problems, and equips them to build a new lifestyle of walking in the light and protecting connection with God, themselves, and others.
Unpunishable is a roadmap for walking out repentance, reconciliation, and restoration in our own lives, leading others in this journey, and creating punishment-free cultures of love in our lives, relationships, families, churches, and organizations.
194 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 15, 2019
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews
October 6, 2020
So so good.
I wish believers would read this. We’d probably all treat one another a little better.
I wish non-believers would read this. It gives a more clear understanding of the real Christ & the ways humans have twisted things.
I’ve talked about this book in countless conversations over the last month.
I wish believers would read this. We’d probably all treat one another a little better.
I wish non-believers would read this. It gives a more clear understanding of the real Christ & the ways humans have twisted things.
I’ve talked about this book in countless conversations over the last month.
November 19, 2019
I just finished this awesome book. 😭 I have no words because I'm still bawling in a corner.
February 21, 2021
So much about grace has moved from head to heart for me in the last few years, and this book is right on track with that. Highly recommend for anyone who puts themselves in court constantly as defendant, judge, and jury and struggles to hear the Father's voice amidst all the self-condemning noise.
January 9, 2021
"Unpunishable" was unpalatable to me. My biggest concern was the way in which the author seemed to practice eisegesis, imposing his own ideas onto biblical texts instead of exegesis. For example, he made the following statement on page 66: “The full arc of the story of the Bible shows us that God’s entire mission in human history is to set us free from the punishment paradigm and lead us into a completely new, punishment-free relational paradigm with Him, ourselves, and others.” I thought the full story arc of the Bible was the promise of the gospel and its fulfillment in Christ.
This promise begins with Genesis 3:15, known as the proto-evangelium—the first Gospel: “I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel.” I have a hard time connecting the message of the gospel with Danny Silk’s declaration of what he says is the full arc of the story of the Bible.
An example of his eisegesis is where he discusses the consequence of the Fall, where Adam and Eve realize their nakedness in Genesis in the section “Naked and Afraid,” beginning on page 47. He appears to conflate the term “naked” ʿ(ārôm,) in Genesis 2:25 with “crafty” (ʿā∙rûm) in the next verse, 3:1. The Hebrew term for naked has a symbolic sense of exposure and vulnerability and is a different word than ʿā∙rûm, crafty. Frequently in Scripture ārôm has a symbolic sense of exposure and vulnerability, as when Isaiah walked “naked” to signify Egyptian prisoners being led away by the Assyrians (Isaiah 20:2-4). Nakedness is associated with shame in Hebrew thought, as with the discovery of a drunken Noah by Ham (Genesis 9:22-23). So, Genesis 2:25 is making the point that Adam and Eve were naked and vulnerable, but they were not ashamed of it.
There is a similar term, êrōm, which is used ten times in the OT to designate spiritual and physical nakedness. In Genesis 3, it refers to Adam and Eve after their sin (Genesis 3:7, 10, 11). More than just an awareness of their physical nakedness, Adam and Eve are also aware of their guilt before God—they had lost their innocence.
The word for naked (ʿārôm) in Genesis 2:25 also appears to be a subtle play on the word translated “crafty” in the following verse, Genesis 3:1: “Now the serpent was more crafty (ʿā∙rûm) than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made.” So, Genesis 2:25 contrasts the naked innocence and vulnerability of Adam and Eve to the craftiness of the serpent in Genesis 3:1. As a result of the serpent’s craftiness, Adam and Eve sinned. Ironically, their first bit of newfound wisdom was to realize that they were naked (ʿêrōm) before God (3:7, 10, 11). See “Nakedness in Genesis” on faith-seeking-understanding.org.
There are additional examples of what I see as Silk’s eisegesis with other passages as he seeks to contrast his sense of the punishment paradigm with a new, punishment-free relational paradigm, but these two examples illustrate my concern. I think "Unpunishable" mishandles Scripture in its attempt to present readers with an alternative to the so-called punishment paradigm.
This promise begins with Genesis 3:15, known as the proto-evangelium—the first Gospel: “I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel.” I have a hard time connecting the message of the gospel with Danny Silk’s declaration of what he says is the full arc of the story of the Bible.
An example of his eisegesis is where he discusses the consequence of the Fall, where Adam and Eve realize their nakedness in Genesis in the section “Naked and Afraid,” beginning on page 47. He appears to conflate the term “naked” ʿ(ārôm,) in Genesis 2:25 with “crafty” (ʿā∙rûm) in the next verse, 3:1. The Hebrew term for naked has a symbolic sense of exposure and vulnerability and is a different word than ʿā∙rûm, crafty. Frequently in Scripture ārôm has a symbolic sense of exposure and vulnerability, as when Isaiah walked “naked” to signify Egyptian prisoners being led away by the Assyrians (Isaiah 20:2-4). Nakedness is associated with shame in Hebrew thought, as with the discovery of a drunken Noah by Ham (Genesis 9:22-23). So, Genesis 2:25 is making the point that Adam and Eve were naked and vulnerable, but they were not ashamed of it.
There is a similar term, êrōm, which is used ten times in the OT to designate spiritual and physical nakedness. In Genesis 3, it refers to Adam and Eve after their sin (Genesis 3:7, 10, 11). More than just an awareness of their physical nakedness, Adam and Eve are also aware of their guilt before God—they had lost their innocence.
The word for naked (ʿārôm) in Genesis 2:25 also appears to be a subtle play on the word translated “crafty” in the following verse, Genesis 3:1: “Now the serpent was more crafty (ʿā∙rûm) than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made.” So, Genesis 2:25 contrasts the naked innocence and vulnerability of Adam and Eve to the craftiness of the serpent in Genesis 3:1. As a result of the serpent’s craftiness, Adam and Eve sinned. Ironically, their first bit of newfound wisdom was to realize that they were naked (ʿêrōm) before God (3:7, 10, 11). See “Nakedness in Genesis” on faith-seeking-understanding.org.
There are additional examples of what I see as Silk’s eisegesis with other passages as he seeks to contrast his sense of the punishment paradigm with a new, punishment-free relational paradigm, but these two examples illustrate my concern. I think "Unpunishable" mishandles Scripture in its attempt to present readers with an alternative to the so-called punishment paradigm.
July 3, 2021
Quarantine-Book #52:
I just finished "Unpunishable: Ending Our Love Affair With Punishment," by Danny Silk.
I bought this because of the great interview with Danny Silk on "Rethinking God with Tacos" (awesome podcast) with Thomas Floyd and Jason L Clark.
Since childhood the one thing we avoid is punishment. We could be strong-willed or compliant but we are motivated by punishment. But when it is to be dished out to others we live it; it feels so right.
God would have us repent, be reconciled and restored regardless of our starting standing in the Jesus-community. This is the difference between punishment and discipline: there is no need for repentance in punishment, but no one is made whole without it.
If you are a pastor/leader read this to come back to the best way of Unpunishment.
#Unpunishable #DannySilk
I just finished "Unpunishable: Ending Our Love Affair With Punishment," by Danny Silk.
I bought this because of the great interview with Danny Silk on "Rethinking God with Tacos" (awesome podcast) with Thomas Floyd and Jason L Clark.
Since childhood the one thing we avoid is punishment. We could be strong-willed or compliant but we are motivated by punishment. But when it is to be dished out to others we live it; it feels so right.
God would have us repent, be reconciled and restored regardless of our starting standing in the Jesus-community. This is the difference between punishment and discipline: there is no need for repentance in punishment, but no one is made whole without it.
If you are a pastor/leader read this to come back to the best way of Unpunishment.
#Unpunishable #DannySilk
November 29, 2019
This book is solid. It’s filled with great biblical teaching around the false ideas we have about punishment. It’s not an easy read and it seeks to deconstruct some views that may be pretty tightly held onto... so don’t expect it to just reinforce some bad theology :)
The stories that Danny tells are raw, honest, and relatable. If you work with people as your vocation, if you’re a parent, or if you just want to learn more about the difference between punishment and discipline... this book is for you.
The stories that Danny tells are raw, honest, and relatable. If you work with people as your vocation, if you’re a parent, or if you just want to learn more about the difference between punishment and discipline... this book is for you.
October 30, 2019
Phenomenal Book, with Remarkable Insights and Application
I have enjoyed Danny’s books. Culture of Honor and Keep Your Love On were deeply impacting. However, this book is the best of the three. It combines biblical analysis, with practical insights, and wonderful illustrations. It is one of the best works that I have ever read.
I have enjoyed Danny’s books. Culture of Honor and Keep Your Love On were deeply impacting. However, this book is the best of the three. It combines biblical analysis, with practical insights, and wonderful illustrations. It is one of the best works that I have ever read.
April 12, 2023
I really enjoyed this book. It was good at bringing in Bible references and showing truth about punishment and why punishment doesn’t bring true or good change. His explanations on the Old Testament were insightful, and his application of New Testament scripture was excellent. It was not a super simple read so it took me a bit to wade through it. But it was insightful and excellent. Definitely would be good for most adults to read (and this isn’t just about parenting…most of it is not about parenting, though it is easily adjusted to the application of parenting).
I didn’t take many notes on this book for various reasons, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t filled with a plethora of great quotes. The few I did write down are below:
Humble self-awareness gives birth to loving discernment in lives. The “loving” part is essential. Many people mistakenly think that the “gift of discernment” is for figuring out what’s wrong with other people and using that to justify criticizing or creating distance from them - that is, punishing - those they have judged offensive. This is exactly what Jesus told us not to do in the Sermon on the Mount. […] The word “discern” means to judge the difference between two things. It does not mean to judge someone guilty and worthy of punishment. When we do this, we demonstrate that we are not operating from a new covenant paradigm, but from the punishment paradigm. (P. 110)
The New King James says to restore them “in a spirit of gentleness.” One illustration I use to describe the spirit of gentleness is to imagine trying to pet a deer. The only way I am going to be successful is if I can convince that deer that I pose zero threat to it. That means I need to eliminate as much anxiety from the encounter as possible. I need to demonstrate that I will not attempt to control it or hurt that deer in any way. The spirit of gentleness flows from the belief, “I do not need to control you. I am not afraid of you or your mess. I am not here to punish you, shame you, or try to protect other people from you. I am just here to help you get out of this hole. (P. 125)
At the center of every “broken spot” in our lives is a false narrative about the world and our place in it that leads us to take on a false, shame-based identity. (P. 148)
I didn’t take many notes on this book for various reasons, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t filled with a plethora of great quotes. The few I did write down are below:
Humble self-awareness gives birth to loving discernment in lives. The “loving” part is essential. Many people mistakenly think that the “gift of discernment” is for figuring out what’s wrong with other people and using that to justify criticizing or creating distance from them - that is, punishing - those they have judged offensive. This is exactly what Jesus told us not to do in the Sermon on the Mount. […] The word “discern” means to judge the difference between two things. It does not mean to judge someone guilty and worthy of punishment. When we do this, we demonstrate that we are not operating from a new covenant paradigm, but from the punishment paradigm. (P. 110)
The New King James says to restore them “in a spirit of gentleness.” One illustration I use to describe the spirit of gentleness is to imagine trying to pet a deer. The only way I am going to be successful is if I can convince that deer that I pose zero threat to it. That means I need to eliminate as much anxiety from the encounter as possible. I need to demonstrate that I will not attempt to control it or hurt that deer in any way. The spirit of gentleness flows from the belief, “I do not need to control you. I am not afraid of you or your mess. I am not here to punish you, shame you, or try to protect other people from you. I am just here to help you get out of this hole. (P. 125)
At the center of every “broken spot” in our lives is a false narrative about the world and our place in it that leads us to take on a false, shame-based identity. (P. 148)
August 20, 2022
I've read three or four books by Danny Silk, all spaced apart by several years. Each has been a timely encouragement and affected me deeply. He writes with a unique understanding and experience in what it looks like to be a powerful person, motivated by love and connection, not fear and punishment. The first chapters of the book paint a stunning picture of the Gospel through the lens of warring paradigms: the punishment and the discipline paradigm. Later, the books gets increasingly practical as Silk gives several in-depth examples from his experience of restoring leaders in spiritual authority. Though I am not administering church discipline, I still found the work very practical and relevant, as the implications are far reaching. I gleaned significant insight around how to do conflict well, what true repentance looks like (both in myself and others), and the redemptive potential of biggest messes. I am grateful for the gift that Danny Silk is to the body of Christ.
4.6/5.0
4.6/5.0
July 14, 2020
I found it admirable that Danny Silk worked within social services before his involvement with the church. I do feel that this has given him a healthy base of training and boundaries, as well as basic common sense for training and teaching others how to deal with boundaries and roots within oneself and others. I gained a lot of wisdom from this book, as well as a deeper respect for Danny Silk, and his wife.
Thank you for speaking to us who are wounded in our hearts and have an unhealthy relationship with punishment. Thank you for paving the way in a very logical manner how to cling to the cross and allow Jesus to reform our hearts to understand grace, and release ourselves from the punishment paradigm.
Thank you for speaking to us who are wounded in our hearts and have an unhealthy relationship with punishment. Thank you for paving the way in a very logical manner how to cling to the cross and allow Jesus to reform our hearts to understand grace, and release ourselves from the punishment paradigm.
February 3, 2023
Danny does an incredible job of keeping connection at the heart of everything- connection with the Father first, yourself, and others. I imagine if I was in a leadership position I would refer to this over and over for reconciling employees. For my personal life, it showed me how biblical boundaries show love in relationships. That forgiveness does not always = same relationship but a new relationship. Punishment has no place in the new covenant or in the way I connect with those I love. Danny so clearly portrays the important of TRUE repentance and restoration- how to appropriately deal with sin and walk in freedom for life. Confession, behavior modification, and apologies are not merely enough. True healing requires deep soul work.
April 22, 2020
💫 Most excellent book. I’ve wanted to read this for a while. If you want a mind blowing heart changing read - read this book. But be prepared for your paradigm to be upended and refashioned into a Kingdom paradigm of forgiveness and repentance. It’s a weighty read.
Danny Silk’s books are a must read. Unpunishable is incredible addition to Loving Our Kids On Purpose and Keep Your Love On. This book is challenging and gratifying as a Jesus way of cleaning up big messes through a process of repentance and forgiveness as opposed to the punishment paradigm.
I highly recommend this book along with the other two mentioned herein.
⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️
Danny Silk’s books are a must read. Unpunishable is incredible addition to Loving Our Kids On Purpose and Keep Your Love On. This book is challenging and gratifying as a Jesus way of cleaning up big messes through a process of repentance and forgiveness as opposed to the punishment paradigm.
I highly recommend this book along with the other two mentioned herein.
⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️
February 28, 2022
So good! God is not interested in punishing us for our flaws and faults. He knows those things are beyond our ability to repair. Instead, He is interested in restoring us into the relationships and maturity and dignity that He wants for us, that He sees in us.
This is a fantastic book. Highly recommended for getting a new perspective on our own fears, on how we think of others when they hurt us, on what we do with our own horrible failures to be the person we'd so much like to be.
This is a book to read, then to re-read, and then to read again. Fantastic.
This is a fantastic book. Highly recommended for getting a new perspective on our own fears, on how we think of others when they hurt us, on what we do with our own horrible failures to be the person we'd so much like to be.
This is a book to read, then to re-read, and then to read again. Fantastic.
April 24, 2023
I didn't find the help I needed. I was looking for a different way to manage my teenagers' behaviors. I agree that punishment (and often shame and humiliation that reside with it) can be detrimental and cause rebellion as opposed to change. I agree that you can empower someone to understand what they did and how they can change to affect real transformation. So that's what I took away. But it was steeped in 194/196 pages of biblical foundations for the author's points. I needed practical empowerment versus church learning. So it wasn't my cup of tea for my current needs.
April 11, 2024
At first I struggled to get into this book, the topic felt dry. Then, I had the opportunity to hear the author, Danny Silk, teach on this topic and I'm forever changed. So glad my eyes were opened to how many actions are based in punishment and fear. Since reading this book, and watching video teaching about this topic, I am now critically questioning how I parent, how groups I am a part of are led, and many other areas of life. This book really is worth the read. It will revolutionize the way you see things in life that had previously lived unquestioned in their existence.
November 30, 2024
This book surprised me I thought by the title it had something to do with justice and law connected with the state. It was a book on spiritual justice. Actually a whole different paradigm of reconciliation. The author focused on Gods covenant love and how it restores people when they repent and are willing to clean up their mess(es). Goff illustrations of people that got themselves in trouble morally and how the new paradigm along with a team of people held the person accountable and eventually saw healing and restoration.
November 11, 2020
This book goes to the core of the gospel, and it shows how Jesus love is to transform our lives, families, churches and societies.
It is practical in its way of showing how to go on this journey of understanding how to be a son or a daughter.
It is also have two good cases that show how this message is supposed to look like.
The book is a good book for everyone who wants to learn to live in peace (shalom), and how to live it out and build a good foundation for life.
It is practical in its way of showing how to go on this journey of understanding how to be a son or a daughter.
It is also have two good cases that show how this message is supposed to look like.
The book is a good book for everyone who wants to learn to live in peace (shalom), and how to live it out and build a good foundation for life.
August 23, 2022
One to read and re-read. I am profoundly affected by Silk’s perspective on New Covenant repentance, reconciliation, and restoration versus the culturally-pervasive “punishment paradigm.” Each chapter confronted my deep core beliefs and challenged + changed me. This book is an extension of the Father’s heart for a people who are aware of their identities and walk in freedom from fear towards a life of connection. I will hold onto this book’s truths as I walk in all my relationships.
January 30, 2024
I’m giving this book a 5 star review, not because I agree with everything written, but because it provides enough truth and insight that it’s worthy of 5 stars. We will do well to understand that the desire to “be like God” exists in us, and in that the desire to sit as judge over others exists as well. This book holds some great keys for us to exam our own hearts that will lead us into wholeness with the Father, as well as keys in leading others to the same.
February 8, 2023
Not a fan. I was looking more for something on self punishment and how to alleviate that. This was more about people in leadership roles and how they should discipline instead of punish. I was not a fan. A lot of self published books I’ve read just don’t do it for me. The editing and focus of the book is scattered and not great. I won’t be reading anymore Danny Silk books.
January 29, 2024
This is going on my list of life-changing books, alongside How to Stop the Pain by James Richards, Keep Your Love On! (also by Danny Silk), Humility by Andrew Murray, and Integrity by Henry Cloud. If we learn to apply the principles in this book, they will change not only our lives but also the lives of everyone we come in contact with, and ultimately the communities we're involved in, for the better. Total paradigm and mindset shift.
December 26, 2022
The book overall was more helpful than I would've guessed after the first few chapters where the author spends a great deal of time outlining the scriptural basis for his "punishment paradigm" some of which is more tenuous than others. Not fabulous, not terrible.
December 31, 2022
Uncanny wisdom, unlinked any other teaching on restoration. The insight and teaching on discipline versus punishment both excited and challenges me. Worth studying and practicing as parents, leaders and ministers. It wanders a bit which is why I’m giving 4 stars, if I could it would be 4.5 stars.
October 31, 2023
Loved this read. So refreshing and loved the insight into some of what was going on in the Old Testament as sometimes I find it hard to navigate. Definitely recommend and brought some tears to my eyes while also challenging me.
January 10, 2025
A revelational truth about God's love, mercy, and forgiveness. An restoration approach to sin instead of a punitive is the heart of the Father. Wonderful real world examples founded on the Word of God.
September 13, 2020
A little bit too much story for my liking, but the moments of application and learning were engaging and encouraging. Silk shared tremendous wisdom in areas of reconciliation and restoration.
October 28, 2020
Such an amazing message. I wish I had more details on how to walk it all out, but this message totally hits home. I see it in the church, in our culture and in so many families.
November 24, 2020
Such a good book. Danny Silk never disappoints. A must - read for helping people find their way back to the Father's heart.
August 22, 2021
reat message of God's love and the comfort and freedom it brings
January 24, 2022
Amazing book! It was life changing for me. Highly recommend.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews