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The Irreverent Grief Guide: How to F*cking Survive Months 1-3
Overflowing with experience and facts, The Irreverent Grief Guide is NOT for everyone, but it just might be for you. The author is a champion and cheerleader for the grief process: manage a shower today (badass), skipped the shower and just doused yourself with cologne (your essence is perfection), spontaneous meltdown in a bathroom stall at work (proud of you). Whatever you are feeling is RIGHT! Navigating grief is beautifully unique, even when it sucks. Possessing see-spot-run concepts, at certain times, can make a huge difference when confronted with the torturous terrain of death. Kupferman understands that a griever does not have time to smile at one more platitude AND absorb psychological concepts surrounding grief.
The Irreverent Grief Guide is structured, in manageable bite size pieces to accommodate the internal grief-laden minefield we all must navigate. The author is in your corner, bearing witness to the “hit” you took, guiding and cursing with you, through the tortuous terrain of the months ahead.
Kupferman knows that grief isn’t pretty, obvious, or predictable, and it most certainly is not just, “getting over it.” There has been an irretrievable loss in your life and this guide honors that. It is an honest, cut to the chase rethinking on grief, based on 14 years of clinical experience witnessing grievers struggle and navigate their lives with one less person in their inner circle.
The Irreverent Grief Guide is structured, in manageable bite size pieces to accommodate the internal grief-laden minefield we all must navigate. The author is in your corner, bearing witness to the “hit” you took, guiding and cursing with you, through the tortuous terrain of the months ahead.
Kupferman knows that grief isn’t pretty, obvious, or predictable, and it most certainly is not just, “getting over it.” There has been an irretrievable loss in your life and this guide honors that. It is an honest, cut to the chase rethinking on grief, based on 14 years of clinical experience witnessing grievers struggle and navigate their lives with one less person in their inner circle.
- GenresNonfiction
130 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 13, 2020
61 people are currently reading
95 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews
June 9, 2024
After getting the phone call at 3:12 am that my grandma had died, I promptly went onto Goodreads to look at my list of grief books I had curated for this very reason (yes, I'm aware that I'm a librarian). This book was the only one I couldn't get through the library and so I ended up placing an early morning eBay order on a used copy and I'm so glad I did, as I promptly began marking my copy up as soon as I got my hands on it.
This was the only book I managed to get through on grief in the last few months and it's structured in such a way that helps facilitate that. It's under 130 pages and every chapter is around 30 pages and meant to correspond with a month during the first three months of grief. It's short enough even with the mood swings, constant to do list that comes with death, and big feelings, I was able to get through it. Kupferman's writing is accessible, blunt without being unkind, affirming, and occasionally funny, and I found myself racing through each chapter.
There is no one size fits all way to grieve and Kupferman acknowledges this frequently throughout the book. However, she provides excellent references to research behind grief and grief counseling and is an excellent advocate to have in your pocket.
This book has been helpful in releasing some of the guilt and shame around grief. I'm grateful that it exists.
----
Some things I personally found helpful:
• Grief as a process of practicing living without your person here on your planet with you.
• Grief is traumatic to the system, but also a normal, natural process. "Your body and psyche are under an extreme amount of stress and one of the gifts from our psyche is that it numbs us to protect us from the intense psychological pain of early grief. The crazy thing is that you DO feel the pain of grief, but just know there's a hell of a lot more of it that your psyche is managing for you so that you can fucking survive." (32) Because of this, grief makes you feel exhausted because your psychological immune system is doing SO MUCH WORK.
• "Grieving isn't a certain feeling, emotion, action, or experience." (37)
• The concept of wearing grief like a crown. "Wearing the Grief Crown honors both YOU and your person, because after all, you are also grieving the relationship that you had with them, while they were still on this planet with you. Grief is a beautiful testament to your relationship." (52) "Your grief is full of integrity, gratitude, love and authenticity" (50)
• Grief = love. "Your experience tells you and the world how much your person meant to you. Grief is in direct proportion to the love you shared." (50)
• Five to eight months after the death is a particularly hard time that nobody warns you about - so I have that to look forward to soon.
• Losing someone close is losing a witness to you, your life, and your history but the person who died will "continue to influence your life in conscious and unconscious ways, for as long as you live." (30)
• "The love and positive regard people give us while they were alive profoundly influences us...the death of someone who loved, respected, and cherished you can shake your self-confidence, self-worth, and even your self-talk." (93)
• "We have not truly lost our years of living with the deceased or our memories. Nor have we lost their influences, the inspirations, the values, and the meanings embodied in their lives." (99)
• STUGs - "sudden temporary upsurge of grief" are normal.
This was the only book I managed to get through on grief in the last few months and it's structured in such a way that helps facilitate that. It's under 130 pages and every chapter is around 30 pages and meant to correspond with a month during the first three months of grief. It's short enough even with the mood swings, constant to do list that comes with death, and big feelings, I was able to get through it. Kupferman's writing is accessible, blunt without being unkind, affirming, and occasionally funny, and I found myself racing through each chapter.
There is no one size fits all way to grieve and Kupferman acknowledges this frequently throughout the book. However, she provides excellent references to research behind grief and grief counseling and is an excellent advocate to have in your pocket.
This book has been helpful in releasing some of the guilt and shame around grief. I'm grateful that it exists.
----
Some things I personally found helpful:
• Grief as a process of practicing living without your person here on your planet with you.
• Grief is traumatic to the system, but also a normal, natural process. "Your body and psyche are under an extreme amount of stress and one of the gifts from our psyche is that it numbs us to protect us from the intense psychological pain of early grief. The crazy thing is that you DO feel the pain of grief, but just know there's a hell of a lot more of it that your psyche is managing for you so that you can fucking survive." (32) Because of this, grief makes you feel exhausted because your psychological immune system is doing SO MUCH WORK.
• "Grieving isn't a certain feeling, emotion, action, or experience." (37)
• The concept of wearing grief like a crown. "Wearing the Grief Crown honors both YOU and your person, because after all, you are also grieving the relationship that you had with them, while they were still on this planet with you. Grief is a beautiful testament to your relationship." (52) "Your grief is full of integrity, gratitude, love and authenticity" (50)
• Grief = love. "Your experience tells you and the world how much your person meant to you. Grief is in direct proportion to the love you shared." (50)
• Five to eight months after the death is a particularly hard time that nobody warns you about - so I have that to look forward to soon.
• Losing someone close is losing a witness to you, your life, and your history but the person who died will "continue to influence your life in conscious and unconscious ways, for as long as you live." (30)
• "The love and positive regard people give us while they were alive profoundly influences us...the death of someone who loved, respected, and cherished you can shake your self-confidence, self-worth, and even your self-talk." (93)
• "We have not truly lost our years of living with the deceased or our memories. Nor have we lost their influences, the inspirations, the values, and the meanings embodied in their lives." (99)
• STUGs - "sudden temporary upsurge of grief" are normal.
February 13, 2021
I really needed this and wish it was longer. It helped me wrap my head around why I’m so exhausted all the time and name what I’m going through. I have already recommended it to other friends also dealing with loss. And several times it made me laugh out loud. Five stars plus! ❤️
November 9, 2020
Elizabeth Kupferman is an exceptional grief counselor, so if you assumed that her book would be exceptional as well then you'd be correct.
If you follow Elizabeth on any of her social accounts then you'll have a pretty good idea of what to expect from The Irreverent Grief Guide. The prose is to the point, playfully snarky, filled with so much compassion, and she GETS IT. It's not a super thick book by any means, although that's intentional, giving just enough information to easily process and navigate through the onset of grief which is so difficult in and of itself as you are likely to already know (big hugs). While reading this I actually felt SEEN, and I felt inspired to show myself love and forgiveness. This is a book I would recommend for those who have just lost a loved one to death, and will be referring to in the future for myself.
A little unrelated, but I would love to see Elizabeth write a book on surviving grief / C-PTSD caused by the loss of a loved one due to reasons other than death.
Brilliant little book, I'm happy that it has a place in my bookshelf.
If you follow Elizabeth on any of her social accounts then you'll have a pretty good idea of what to expect from The Irreverent Grief Guide. The prose is to the point, playfully snarky, filled with so much compassion, and she GETS IT. It's not a super thick book by any means, although that's intentional, giving just enough information to easily process and navigate through the onset of grief which is so difficult in and of itself as you are likely to already know (big hugs). While reading this I actually felt SEEN, and I felt inspired to show myself love and forgiveness. This is a book I would recommend for those who have just lost a loved one to death, and will be referring to in the future for myself.
A little unrelated, but I would love to see Elizabeth write a book on surviving grief / C-PTSD caused by the loss of a loved one due to reasons other than death.
Brilliant little book, I'm happy that it has a place in my bookshelf.
December 12, 2021
This book was just what I needed right now. I love the small bit at the end about disenfranchised grief, because that's what I'm going through right now. Luckily I realized it and picked this up to help me make it through.
I follow the author on social media, and I love how her personality spills over to gently encourage and empower me in my time of mourning. The book is short and to the point. It doesn't preach, it informs and uplifts. It's never patronizing. If you want to be an advanced bitch as you move through a time of grieving, this book is for you.
I follow the author on social media, and I love how her personality spills over to gently encourage and empower me in my time of mourning. The book is short and to the point. It doesn't preach, it informs and uplifts. It's never patronizing. If you want to be an advanced bitch as you move through a time of grieving, this book is for you.
November 11, 2021
Incredible
I am so grateful that this book exists and it was written in an accessible, easy to digest form that I could actually process while grieving. Read it.
I am so grateful that this book exists and it was written in an accessible, easy to digest form that I could actually process while grieving. Read it.
March 5, 2025
I read this book for a psych class but this book is very good at explaining current research on grief and applying it in way people experiencing grief can understand. I don’t think this book is for everyone experiencing grief, or maybe it’s better to pick out chapters that relate at the moment and then go back to it later because it is dense if you’re trying to read it all at once
January 17, 2022
Elizabeth is the grief fairy godmother waving her magic wand around you through her honest and to-the-point words to surround you with love and understanding during your grief journey. Her words feel like a safe person holding your hand throughout the difficult journey of grief. Elizabeth is an expert both from personal experiences with grief and her years of professional experience as a grief counselor and it shows from the very first page. This book is free from cliches, condescending language, overgeneralizations, and annoying repetition.
She tells you what you need when you need it, nothing more and nothing less. She is a hidden gem. Every part written in italic makes its way directly into your heart and feels like she is speaking to you personally. She includes notes to the reader in italics after every segment as words of support and encouragement that really make an impact while reading the book and make the entire experience feel personalized. All grief and healing books should include this especially in the genuine and authentic way that Elizabeth writes.
I also love that Elizabeth thinks to mention and acknowledge the differences in culture and different backgrounds where some parts of the book may not be applicable.
Elizabeth has plenty of incredible insights that you simply can't find anywhere else. The ease in which she explains incredibly difficult and heavy concepts and symptoms and functions of grief is incredibly special. I particularly enjoyed her insights relating to functioning and disenfranchised grief. Elizabeth also has a talent for creating and choosing incredibly efficient examples, metaphors and symbols to help readers digest incredibly complex concepts and information.
I couldn't recommend this book more.
She tells you what you need when you need it, nothing more and nothing less. She is a hidden gem. Every part written in italic makes its way directly into your heart and feels like she is speaking to you personally. She includes notes to the reader in italics after every segment as words of support and encouragement that really make an impact while reading the book and make the entire experience feel personalized. All grief and healing books should include this especially in the genuine and authentic way that Elizabeth writes.
I also love that Elizabeth thinks to mention and acknowledge the differences in culture and different backgrounds where some parts of the book may not be applicable.
Elizabeth has plenty of incredible insights that you simply can't find anywhere else. The ease in which she explains incredibly difficult and heavy concepts and symptoms and functions of grief is incredibly special. I particularly enjoyed her insights relating to functioning and disenfranchised grief. Elizabeth also has a talent for creating and choosing incredibly efficient examples, metaphors and symbols to help readers digest incredibly complex concepts and information.
I couldn't recommend this book more.
Read
May 4, 2021This is an EXCELLENT book, written by a grief counselor.
If you are the type of person who wants an author to say, "listen, bitch, I know this is f*cking hard, but I'm gonna walk you through it," then you'll love it.
Buy it for your friends when they experience loss. It put so much of my current feelings and functioning into context, which is what you need the most when you're in the thick of grief - assurance that you aren't going crazy.
Quotes:
It's a huge relief to learn that when you understand grief as a process of practicing living without your person here on the planet with you, as opposed to something you're just supposed to "get over it" or "let go," it becomes less daunting. It's still one hundred percent a shit show, but a less formidable shit show.
and
Grief is there in sad moments, but grief is also there in the happy ones as well. You even grieve when you are actively resisting grief. To me, grief exists in the life lived and the human experience as you try to f*cking exist after your person died. It's in every single moment. How could it not be?
If you are the type of person who wants an author to say, "listen, bitch, I know this is f*cking hard, but I'm gonna walk you through it," then you'll love it.
Buy it for your friends when they experience loss. It put so much of my current feelings and functioning into context, which is what you need the most when you're in the thick of grief - assurance that you aren't going crazy.
Quotes:
It's a huge relief to learn that when you understand grief as a process of practicing living without your person here on the planet with you, as opposed to something you're just supposed to "get over it" or "let go," it becomes less daunting. It's still one hundred percent a shit show, but a less formidable shit show.
and
Grief is there in sad moments, but grief is also there in the happy ones as well. You even grieve when you are actively resisting grief. To me, grief exists in the life lived and the human experience as you try to f*cking exist after your person died. It's in every single moment. How could it not be?
September 27, 2022
If you're grieving, read this book!
Please look past the poor editing and sometimes awkward phrasing. This book shares a powerful message with those of us in The Club. I joined The Club recently, after my husband died. (Yes, she recommends using the hard terminology.) Not being a reader of self-help books (actively avoiding them, quite frankly), I eschewed any recommendation that came my way. For some reason, maybe the Irreverent in the title, this struck a chord with me. I'm so glad it did. Wherever you are in your grief cycle, this book will resonate with you.
Please look past the poor editing and sometimes awkward phrasing. This book shares a powerful message with those of us in The Club. I joined The Club recently, after my husband died. (Yes, she recommends using the hard terminology.) Not being a reader of self-help books (actively avoiding them, quite frankly), I eschewed any recommendation that came my way. For some reason, maybe the Irreverent in the title, this struck a chord with me. I'm so glad it did. Wherever you are in your grief cycle, this book will resonate with you.
March 27, 2025
I lost my mom unexpectedly at the beginning of this year. Everything happened so fast, and before I knew it, she was gone. Her and I had a very close relationship, so it has hit me very hard, and I've been turning to books on grief for help and answers.
This book was so comforting. It was blunt and to the point without seeming unkind or insensitive. It told me exactly what I needed to know and what I needed to hear. This book made sure I knew I'm not alone in this journey, and took the time to really explain what these first three months may feel like. It's helped me while I've been navigating life during the first three months. It's helped me to understand what I'm experiencing, possible things to expect, and has made me feel understood. I'm so grateful for books like these. Thank you.
I highly recommend this one to anyone who has lost someone they care about, regardless of your relationship with them. It may help you to heal, or simply understand yourself and the situation just a little bit better. Life is hard as it is, but with grief on top of it, it's so much harder. Books like this help make things just a little easier.
This book was so comforting. It was blunt and to the point without seeming unkind or insensitive. It told me exactly what I needed to know and what I needed to hear. This book made sure I knew I'm not alone in this journey, and took the time to really explain what these first three months may feel like. It's helped me while I've been navigating life during the first three months. It's helped me to understand what I'm experiencing, possible things to expect, and has made me feel understood. I'm so grateful for books like these. Thank you.
I highly recommend this one to anyone who has lost someone they care about, regardless of your relationship with them. It may help you to heal, or simply understand yourself and the situation just a little bit better. Life is hard as it is, but with grief on top of it, it's so much harder. Books like this help make things just a little easier.
June 22, 2025
A client friend let me borrow her book & I plan to buy my own copy & a copy for my close Loves when they need it.
I read this many months past month 3 of losing my bio mother & this guide is no less relevant. I highly recommend anyone with loss & a panache for irreverent profanity & a bit of a shock jock approach to get this book, read, & apply. Give it to loved one experiencing loss and grief.
Her voice is very much like my voice per me & my client friend who says I remind her of author & practitioner, Nurse & LPC Elizabeth Kupferman. Elizabeth is known by my client friend as a mutual client.
Highlights for me is we lose a witness to our life…this is even in relationships that end not due to death. The other is that “Death takes a life, not the relationship.” I also love that Elizabeth educates us beyond the standard popular stages of grief per E Kubler-Ross & introduces us to many more practitioners & researchers of grief.
Buy this book! For yourself & others, there is one guarantee in life: we are born dying & very few are preparing any of us for death. It is my specialty.
I read this many months past month 3 of losing my bio mother & this guide is no less relevant. I highly recommend anyone with loss & a panache for irreverent profanity & a bit of a shock jock approach to get this book, read, & apply. Give it to loved one experiencing loss and grief.
Her voice is very much like my voice per me & my client friend who says I remind her of author & practitioner, Nurse & LPC Elizabeth Kupferman. Elizabeth is known by my client friend as a mutual client.
Highlights for me is we lose a witness to our life…this is even in relationships that end not due to death. The other is that “Death takes a life, not the relationship.” I also love that Elizabeth educates us beyond the standard popular stages of grief per E Kubler-Ross & introduces us to many more practitioners & researchers of grief.
Buy this book! For yourself & others, there is one guarantee in life: we are born dying & very few are preparing any of us for death. It is my specialty.
November 10, 2024
This is not a book anyone would want to ever have to read, but I’m glad it was here for me when I needed it. At times the book can be a little #girllboss cringey, but that’s slightly a given based on the subtitle “how to f*cking survive months 1-3”. The book is short, which is good for when you’re living through the most stressful period of your life, but it still packs a punch with a wealth of knowledge. It easily explains many feelings you might be going through that up until the point of reading, were unexplainable or foreign. It gives many examples which helps shed a light on many situations you have already lived through or will live through without you even have known it.
October 10, 2021
I stumbled across @advancedbitcheson Tiktok and ordered her book to support her and her work.
Fast forward not even a few weeks later. My mother was hospitalised and died after a short illness.
Im so glad I had her book. It's not fluffy clouds and scenes of sunsets. I can't stand bullshit like that. This book is to the point. Doesn't overwhelm you with information and it's well researched.
Definitely recommend to anyone who is going through a loss. Also recommend to anyone who wants to understand grief better if they themsves have been fortunate to not have experienced it
Fast forward not even a few weeks later. My mother was hospitalised and died after a short illness.
Im so glad I had her book. It's not fluffy clouds and scenes of sunsets. I can't stand bullshit like that. This book is to the point. Doesn't overwhelm you with information and it's well researched.
Definitely recommend to anyone who is going through a loss. Also recommend to anyone who wants to understand grief better if they themsves have been fortunate to not have experienced it
January 12, 2022
I very recently lost someone I loved very much and I’ve been a mess to put it lightly. I got a bunch of books on grieving and just surviving and this one is 100% my favorite. It’s raw. It’s not hidden behind some dumb metaphors like every other grief book. I think this should be the first book to go to for someone who is grieving or just wants to know about the process more. I highly recommend it.
February 13, 2023
honest book
It explains my grief exactly as it is for me, yet I am behind in the struggle…my ninth month. But many things the author has addressed will help me accept myself and work harder for some semblance of functioning as I work on grief while still missing my husband so badly.
It explains my grief exactly as it is for me, yet I am behind in the struggle…my ninth month. But many things the author has addressed will help me accept myself and work harder for some semblance of functioning as I work on grief while still missing my husband so badly.
February 14, 2023
First finished book of 2023. This books is made for people like me who don’t have patience for nonsensical things like “time heal all wounds” and “it’s just a phase”, also for people (me as well) who deal better with life when there is a to-do, a plan to follow through. I wish I had found this book earlier in other grief processes.
September 18, 2021
A very easily digestible and real way of processing grief, which is in no way perfect but it reminds you that we, as humans, are perfectly imperfect.
I love Elizabeth's writing style, it makes it very relatable whilst gently guiding us through our grief.
I love Elizabeth's writing style, it makes it very relatable whilst gently guiding us through our grief.
June 11, 2024
One of the best grief books I've read (and I've read a fair few). Some may not like the swearing but it's easy to look past as the content is so helpful. It's like Elizabeth was in my head, answering my questions. Highly recommend.
April 18, 2025
Helpful and concise. Truly informative and needed during one of the most difficult times a human can experience. Did not read it based on a death but from the view of a marriage ending due to my ex partner’s adultery. Still an incredibly helpful read.
July 28, 2025
An absolute lifeline in the utter dumpster fire of losing someone you love. I’m reading other grief books as well, but so far none as helpful and easily-digestible as this one. I consider the rest to be supplements to this book.
Wish there was a follow-up for months 4-6 and beyond!
Wish there was a follow-up for months 4-6 and beyond!
May 26, 2024
This book will stay with me during a period of grieving and beyond. It helped me see how others around be are grieving, which is perhaps the biggest takeaway for me.
January 7, 2025
My Dad died a few months ago and this book has felt such a comfort, and I’ve read a lot around grief.
The book was written in an authentic, normal, relatable and sometimes even funny way. It was really supportive, I felt really understood and I just hope a follow up for the next months in this grief journey is on the cards.
I will be recommending this to others who need to navigate grief and will probably re-read when I need to too.
Thank you!
The book was written in an authentic, normal, relatable and sometimes even funny way. It was really supportive, I felt really understood and I just hope a follow up for the next months in this grief journey is on the cards.
I will be recommending this to others who need to navigate grief and will probably re-read when I need to too.
Thank you!
May 29, 2023
I wish she had a “months 4-6” available. Grief sucks but her book is helpful.
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