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My Feudal Lord
Born into one of Pakistan's most influential families, Tehmina Durrani was raised in the privileged milieu of Lahore high society. Like all women of her rank, she was expected to marry a prosperous Muslim from a respectable family, bear him many children and lead a sheltered life of leisure.
Her marriage to Mustafa Khar, one of Pakistan's most eminent political figures, soon turned into a nightmare. Violently possessive and pathologically jealous, Mustafa Khar succeeded in cutting her off from the outside world. For fourteen years, Tehmina suffered alone, in silence.
When she decided to rebel, the price she paid was extremely high: as a Muslim woman seeking a divorce, she signed away all financial support, lost the custody of her four children, and found herself alienated from her friends and disowned by her parents.
When this book was first published it shook Pakistani society to its foundations. Here at last was someone who had succeded in reconciling her faith in Islam with her ardent belief in women's rights. Tehmina Durrani's story provided extraordinary insights into the vulnerable position of women caught in the complex web of Muslim society.
Her marriage to Mustafa Khar, one of Pakistan's most eminent political figures, soon turned into a nightmare. Violently possessive and pathologically jealous, Mustafa Khar succeeded in cutting her off from the outside world. For fourteen years, Tehmina suffered alone, in silence.
When she decided to rebel, the price she paid was extremely high: as a Muslim woman seeking a divorce, she signed away all financial support, lost the custody of her four children, and found herself alienated from her friends and disowned by her parents.
When this book was first published it shook Pakistani society to its foundations. Here at last was someone who had succeded in reconciling her faith in Islam with her ardent belief in women's rights. Tehmina Durrani's story provided extraordinary insights into the vulnerable position of women caught in the complex web of Muslim society.
382 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1991
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About the author
Tehmina Durrani
4 books263 followersTehmina Durrani (Urdu: تہمینہ درانی; born 18 February 1953) is the daughter of a former Governor of State Bank of Pakistan and Managing Director of Pakistan International Airlines, S.U. Durrani and a granddaughter of Nawab Sir Liaqat Hayat Khan, prime minister of Patiala state for eleven years. He was the elder brother of former Punjab Premier Sir Sikandar Hayat Khan. Her first book, My Feudal Lord, caused ripples in Pakistan's male-dominated society by describing her abusive and traumatic marriage to Ghulam Mustafa Khar, then Chief Minister and later Governor of Punjab and her experience of a feudal society. She is currently involved in the emancipation of women in Pakistan.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 430 reviews
May 3, 2013
The book lacks sincerity. The author tries too hard to portray herself as totally naive and innocent, preyed on by a tyrannical and cruel husband. "I refused to let go because of the kids," she maintains. Seeing that she left her first daughter to marry her feudal lord, she doesn't come off as such a devoted and loving mother for me to buy that argument. It does not come off as a wolf-sheep combination at all for me to be entirely sympathetic to her ordeal. The worst part was when her baby sister falls in the honey trap of her preying husband. Instead of making attempts to rescue her from his clutches, she looks at the child as a sort of rival, a much younger inamorata who is trying to steal her husband.
Being a life story, this book is bound to be judged not by its writing style or the author's literary skills, but by the surmised virtues of the characters involved. Try as hard as I might to do otherwise, I have ended up rating the author and not the book.
2 out of 5 stars for both.
December 16, 2020
A sensational bestseller in Europe, and a much talked about book when it was published.
It reads more like a trashy novel than a memoir.
There is no telling how much of it is fact and how much is fiction. Its subject is Ghulam Mustafa Khar,a well known Pakistani politician,former Governor of Punjab,and Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto's right hand man.
The author left her first husband to marry him,and the way she describes it,found herself in a living nightmare.Still,she chose to stick with him,as the family was forced into exile during the Zia ul Haq years.
Khar is depicted in the worst possible way as a womaniser,extremely cruel and a political opportunist.
She even accuses her husband and younger sister,of having an illicit relationship.
The author,herself,does not emerge smelling of roses.
Her own actions,motives and choices seem very questionable as she spends a long time with this man despite all his alleged cruelty and exploitation.It is a trashy book but it uses real life characters and actual political events to tell the story.
Finally she leaves him,and decides to write this tell all memoir. In a good part of the book,former Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is criticized,as he was an opponent of her husband's People's Party.
But in the biggest irony of all,after leaving Khar,Tehmina Durrani got married to Nawaz Sharif's brother,Shahbaz Sharif !
He,too,was Chief Minister of Punjab,like Khar was.Seems she couldn't settle for lesser mortals,her husbands had to be political heavy weights.
She had few compunctions about leaving her
first husband,to marry Khar.He,poor guy,was not in the same league,in terms of power and influence.Still,she plays the innocent victim.
This is a very erratic book,but a very interesting one,nevertheless. When Imran Khan's second wife,Reham Khan,wrote her own tell all memoir,I was instantly reminded of My Feudal Lord.
It reads more like a trashy novel than a memoir.
There is no telling how much of it is fact and how much is fiction. Its subject is Ghulam Mustafa Khar,a well known Pakistani politician,former Governor of Punjab,and Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto's right hand man.
The author left her first husband to marry him,and the way she describes it,found herself in a living nightmare.Still,she chose to stick with him,as the family was forced into exile during the Zia ul Haq years.
Khar is depicted in the worst possible way as a womaniser,extremely cruel and a political opportunist.
She even accuses her husband and younger sister,of having an illicit relationship.
The author,herself,does not emerge smelling of roses.
Her own actions,motives and choices seem very questionable as she spends a long time with this man despite all his alleged cruelty and exploitation.It is a trashy book but it uses real life characters and actual political events to tell the story.
Finally she leaves him,and decides to write this tell all memoir. In a good part of the book,former Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is criticized,as he was an opponent of her husband's People's Party.
But in the biggest irony of all,after leaving Khar,Tehmina Durrani got married to Nawaz Sharif's brother,Shahbaz Sharif !
He,too,was Chief Minister of Punjab,like Khar was.Seems she couldn't settle for lesser mortals,her husbands had to be political heavy weights.
She had few compunctions about leaving her
first husband,to marry Khar.He,poor guy,was not in the same league,in terms of power and influence.Still,she plays the innocent victim.
This is a very erratic book,but a very interesting one,nevertheless. When Imran Khan's second wife,Reham Khan,wrote her own tell all memoir,I was instantly reminded of My Feudal Lord.
May 7, 2024
The book was an eye opener into lives and mentality of feudal lords, however what was quite obvious is that Ms Durrani is no saint as she expects people to conclude to, She herself was a debauchee, admitted to splurging the money without caring where it came from, admiring the two facedness of her double standard husband who really didnt care about the masses while pretending to be their saviour. Ms Durrani in this book is less upset of how Khar fooled the people he claimed to represent, she is more upset how he abused her individually, while abusing a woman is in itself inexcusable, what is notable is that she did enjoy the priveleges associated with the life of a powerful man's wife gets you. The book for me is a good insight of how pathetic and materialistic these feudal lords are and similar are characters of gold diggers like ms durrani who pursue them. Lets not forget , after she divorced Mr Khar (Then Chief Minister of Punjab and a feudal lord) she got married to another Feudal Lord and now Prime minister of Pakistan - Shahbaz Shareef
March 12, 2019
I already knew before I began reading this book that I would have lots of very strong opinions about it. That was because every time I brought it up, everyone around me had not only heard of it, they were all very opinionated about it too. Even the people who hadn’t read it were aware of the particularly controversial bits about how both the author as well as her husband—the villain in this tale—had left their previous spouses to begin their married life, or how Durrani, whose narrative solely focuses on how marrying a feudal lord destroyed her life, then went on to marry Shahbaz Sharif, a man most people in Pakistan consider corrupt beyond belief.
So reading the book without having at least some pre-conceived idea of what it was about was impossible. But I tried to be as open as possible to my own reaction to the writing, which ended up being an account of one of the most unstable, unhealthy relationships I’ve ever read. Tehmina Durani, the teller of her life story, sketches in quite a lot of detail about her tumultuous marriage to Mustafa Khar, a Pakistani politician who is the epitome of every abusive husband ever. I already knew he would be horrible, but I had underestimated, even by my own very generous standards, how horrible he could possibly be.
Most of the beginning of this book feels like a Judith McNaught novel, in that everyone is filthy rich and ridiculously good looking except for our ugly duckling heroine. They all indulge in rich people activities and spend their time doing rich people things, with a whole team of servants and guards streaming behind them. A desire to copy the British lifestyle is evident in almost all of Tehmina Durrani’s family, especially from the maternal side. The author’s mother, who plays a huge part in how Tehmina turns out, was cold and distant and mostly responsible for inculcating really low self-esteem in the children she deemed unworthy of her approval. Mostly those were the kids with dark skin (including our author), who grow up in a household where fair skin – like the one her mother and her Pathan father have – are prized above all else. Wanting her mother’s approval and love is a pretty constant theme within the narrative, and Durrani, unable to separate herself from the idea of the young child who constantly craved for any sign of affection from her strict mother, seems to be aware of it.
Her first marriage to a man named Anees, who woes her when she is sixteen with clandestine notes snuck in to her Convent school, falls apart according to the author not only because she grows bored with Anees or because Anees is technically lower in social status, as the author’s mother claims on her first rejection of the marriage proposal, but because for Durrani, her mother’s withheld love triumphs all. It was during this time, with Tehmina frustrated and bored of her first husband, during which she met Mustafa Khar, an upcoming politician who could have walked straight out of one of McNaught’s aforementioned novels, in that all the clichés about heroes seem to have applied to him. Looking at pictures of present day Khar makes it hard to understand how a younger version of him could have ever looking alluring or attractive, but whatever it was, for the young and unhappily married Tehmina, who herself stated that by all accounts her husband was a nice enough man (with whom she also had a baby) whom she never managed to love. And in contrast, Mustafa Khar seemed powerful and noble and charisma personified.
I was haunted by feelings of being a non-person and by extremely low self esteem. If Mother did not approve of me and love me, Anees’s weak opinion – and those of his lower-positioned family – was of little consequence.
Tehmina’s divorce, her first, and Khar’s plan to leave his heavily pregnant wife (his fifth) caused a shit storm, because in Pakistan all divorces are treated as worse than the possibility that a man might be abusing his wife. It is the ultimate dishonor, and Tehmina’s parents treated it as such. Especially her mother, for whom the idea of what people would say was more important than literally anything else. There must have been some irony in the fact that the mother herself was divorced, but how regularly do people forgive other people’s trespasses if they’ve suffered through something themselves? Very rarely, of course.
Despite the fact that our mother had divorced her first husband, we were taught that marriage was a sacred and irrevocable institution. If a husband turned out to be a brute, it was the wife’s duty to persevere until she changed his character. A broken marriage was a reflection of a woman’s failure.
It was at this point that my opinions started to make themselves manifest. Usually when I review a book, I like to separate the book from the author: the author is dead, as Roland Barthes would say, and my job is to comment on the text without the contextualization of the author’s actions. Reviewing a biography, however, sort of makes that an impossibility, because what you are commenting on is the author’s life itself. One must also take into account the fact that any biography will feature a version of the events that puts its author forward in the best possible light. One of the most intense conversations I had during the reading of this novel was in questioning the veracity of the claims put forward by Durrani. According to her, her father was encouraged by Bhutto to secretly transfer state assets from East Pakistan to West before the 1971 separation. Her father’s refusal led to his being thrown in jail once Bhutto came to power.
It’s entirely possible that all of this is true, and since her father’s eventual imprisonment ended with a trial which exonerated him, it’s also possible that historical documents can attest to this fact, but narratives can be edited to a person’s benefit, this also is true. People can manipulate events to their benefit, this also is true. And no reader of history, especially in the form of a biography, should be naïve enough to assume that what they are reading is, in fact, what actually happened. Which was why I read the whole thing with a grain of salt, paying special attention not to the events that happened but also how they are presented.
Looking at the book from this light, the presentation of Mustafa Khar, the antagonist of this narrative, makes for a very interesting study. Since the story is very overwhelmingly about a woman’s escape from her abusive marriage, I had imagined the abuser would be painted with a very harsh brush. But this book flips the switch by not even taking a more diplomatic, distant tone, but rather coming across as —there really is no other way to put this—begrudgingly admiring. It sounds like how a person, horrified by someone’s cruelty and misogyny, is simultaneously awed by them and how, by indulging in their horrible behavior, the person has managed to gain and retain power. In multiple scenes, the ghastly things that Khar did are presented as an example of his prowess or his thinking abilities rather than as a testament to his foul personality.
Exhibiting a native canniness, Mustafa used the power of his office to re-establish his financial position. Over the years he had sold off much of his land holdings in order to finance his political aspirations. But now those who had bought from him found themselves hauled in by the police on trumped-up charges and coerced into returning his land. Before long, Mustafa had recouped almost all of his holdings.
What’s also very funny is the juxtaposition between the Mustafa Khar who is corrupt and uses his power to oppress those below him, and the Khar who gets the support of Zulfiqar Bhutto primarily because he is ‘a man of the country’, someone who has grown up within the feudal system and understands the fights of the downtrodden. This point is repeated again and again, claiming that Bhutto was convinced they could change the country together, but he was planning this with the same Khar who blew all the money his father gave him upon his election to the National Assembly on buying a cavalcade of ridiculously expensive American cars. That doesn’t exactly sound like a man whose main interest is the people.
Sherry theorized that he suffered from an inferiority complex. He resented women from our social background and made it his mission to subjugate them. He disguised his class envy by assuming a feudal air.
This connection between the Mustafa Khar that other people saw and the reality of who he was—a vicious and cruel person—seemed to be pervasive throughout both his political life as well as his personal. No matter how many times Sherry, Mustafa’s wife before Tehmina, tried to tell her that Mustafa wasn’t a nice person, Tehmina couldn’t believe it until she got married to him and was faced with his frequent bouts of utter rage, the casual way he inflicted violence, or his blatant disregard for the women in his life. For Mustafa Khar, his weak morals and his feelings of inadequacy were all inter connected with an inherent misogyny that patriarchy allowed him to cultivate to the best of his abilities.
She claimed that his political idealism was merely an attempt to gain access to our class and that his concern for the poor and the downtrodden was a sham. In truth, she said, it was a manifestation of his hatred for the lite. He wanted to demolish the structure that ridiculed his origins and lacked at his lack of breeding and style. Women were his obvious victims. He was out to destroy us.
However, it would be an understatement to claim that Khar was merely misogynistic. For him, wives were perfectly acceptable venues for expressing his anger, laying his hands on, exerting control over. At the beginning, he was portrayed as merely passionate: to Tehmina, who started her affair by sneaking around behind everyone’s back and watching how Khar manipulated the events around them so he could spend time with Tehmina, he seemed fascinating. Eventually though, once they are married, the reality started to set in. And what’s fascinating about this marriage is that our protagonist had five other examples – all of Khar’s ex-wives – to show her what kind of husband he was, except they were clearly not on her mind, proven by the bare minimum attention paid to them in this telling. All of these women are mostly insignificant except for the fact that they caught Khar’s eye, and his spur of the eye decision to marry them resulted in their subsequent signing off of all their power to a man who was a true description of the term feudal lord. His first wife, older than him and handed to him on the authority of his father, he ran off to the city to escape after impregnating. There he married a friend’s divorced wife who bore him another child. He then married an air hostess, and a few years after that a prostitute. The last wife before our author was Shehrezad, a beautiful, highly accomplished woman whom Khar married because he had to meet US delegates and wished to impress them with his trophy wife.
This sort of intertwining of the personal with the political is a thread that runs throughout the book, primarily because Mustafa Khar was a politician. Which is why one of the reasons I liked reading this book was the historical perspective it provided. Biased or not, history is always more interesting when reading from the point of the view of the figures involved, rather than from a dry, date-by-date account that our course books usually espouse. Since Mustafa Khar has always been such an important political figure, when Tehmina Durrani sketches his background she touches upon a number of major points in Pakistan’s history. This is made all the more interesting for any Pakistani reader who must judge for themselves how true to history this narrative really is.
Within a year, fueled by the hostile press, mainly in India and Britain, the battle for the liberation of Bangladesh had begun. The west seemed to have misread the plight of the East Pakistani people. West Pakistan was attempting to stop the Indian government’s dismemberment of their country, but it was projected as though we were the villains by not allowing autonomy to a people demanding their rights and freedom.
This manipulation of events proves that within the narrative there is an obvious bias towards the things that Tehmina Durrani believed or knew. So how do we look at the rest of the story: do we believe that she portrays herself as the victim, or do we look at it as an account of a vile man who was as evil as she clearly told us? Because even though a lot of people think it must have taken a lot of courage to write what she did, and a lot of people also agree that it’s shocking that Khar managed to carry on for so long (and still does) until Durrani took pen to paper, the criticisms that this book faces still exist. And without fail each criticism, contentious and strongly worded, is tinged with hints of ingrained misogyny.
It’s impossible to not encounter deeply held patriarchal beliefs when discussing this book in public. Most people, even the highly educated ones, held on to some strand of victim blaming, questioning why Tehmina chose to stay with Mustafa or why multiple women kept marrying him even with his cruelty widely known. Even in stories which so clearly try to explain how the man was abusive, basic sexism made it instinctive for them to question the woman’s actions instead of the man. And this question, about why she stayed with him, is one of the most commonly asked ones about abusive marriages: why does the woman (or, in some cases, the man) stay with their abuser?
Given my faulty knowledge and my position of privilege, it really isn’t fair for me to try to answer this question, but only to empathize, to place the fault where it belongs: with the abuser. Because for those who haven’t suffered the abuse, it is unimaginable, a horror of the highest order, and we think that if we were ever in that position, we would walk out, we wouldn’t stick around to bear another second of the indignity. But the reality of it is different, must be different, must be an existence that from us, the privileged, commands only empathy. In this book in particular, there is a vicious cycle of dependency, a particular hint of obsession and an inability to let go of each other. Even after Mustafa Khar starts to have an affair with Tehmina’s sister Adila, which would require another whole ten-thousand-words review to discuss properly, even after all the torture and rape and assault, Tehmina continues to fight to stay with him. Why? I certainly don’t know.
He spoke of the Adila episode, and was convinced that the Devil had entered him. He knew that he had imprisoned me in loneliness, and now, he believed, God had punished him with imprisonment while I was free. He had thought that he had lost me forever, and all he had was this room and God. He now realized what it must have been like for me when I was isolated and alone.
Victim blaming is a pretty common theme running through most of these critics’ arguments: Didn’t Durrani already know he was an abusive man? This, coupled with the fact that she then married Shahbaz Sharif, (current Leader of the Opposition in the National Assembly of Pakistan) thereby jumping back into politics. Most of the people who read this book state pretty much the same thing: that they loved it when they read it, but now that Tehmina Durrani has married Shahbaz Sharif, they can’t believe she would marry into the same social circles, and that she probably deserves any more shit she gets, for choosing to marry such a corrupt man.
I think we need to have a very honest conversation about why we assume patriarchal notions won’t exist where they do, and how stereotypes can plague even those who mean well. So, for example, with women who have been through abusive marriages, we expect them to have magically unwritten all the years of patriarchal conditioning they’ve been through, and accept that some men are trash, but of course it doesn’t work like that. When a women works, we expect her to be a champion for the rights of all working women. A women who has had kids must be able to understand when another mother wants a break. One who has been restricted by the community’s concepts of modesty must understand why another would want to break out of them. This very basic logic, that once you’ve suffered through something, you must be able to empathize better with those who are oppressed by the same rules, unfortunately doesn’t translate into real life. because the truth is that humans are complex, and by complex I mean capable of very easily carrying entirely conflicting opinions.
Describing her ‘perfect’ relationship with Mustafa, (Sherry) laced her conversation with barbs, such as: “Mustafa says women who have affairs with married men are sluts.” Such words were met with sniggers and nudges, all directed at me.
Misogyny is hard to recognize for most people, and even harder to unlearn. And for most of this story, it is misogyny we must encounter, in the characters as well as in ourselves: Tehmina’s adultery, Mustafa’s horrible behavior towards his pregnant wife; Mustafa’s mental and physical torture of Tahmina; his affairs with Tehmina’s sister and her own reactions to it, blaming the sister but not her husband; her parent’s divorce; the treatment of Mustafa and Tehmina’s children, poor souls caught up in a family drama being played out in front of newspaper reporters and the world. All these things are intense and involve patriarchal notions in all forms, which means it involves a careful untangling of your own horror as a reaction to the story.
The good thing was, I had lots of friends on whom I could rely upon to provide me with smart insights. One of them, working on a paper about Saving Muslim Women and how Islamophobic narratives are used to justify military interventions in Muslim-majority countries, wrote about American anthropologist Lila Abu-Lughod. Abu-Lughod described pornographic pulp ‘non’-fiction as a literary genre based upon autobiographical accounts of Muslim women’s oppression. According to my friend’s paper, the enduring legacy and bestselling status of books such as this one are dangerous indicators because they ‘feed shallow generalizations about Muslim societies instead of informing the reader of the ‘radical specificity’ of each case’. This, I think, was fascinating for me, because my reactions were purely class based: this must be the norm for all poor households, my privileged mind thought, but of course abuse is different in all its forms. Of course some are worse than others, and that doesn’t mean those aren’t more acceptable. It’s just that this story is hell on earth, and reading it gave me all sorts of feelings, half of which I still haven’t been able to sort out.
When I was trying to convince my best friend to read this book, she expressed doubt about wanting to read a bad book. But whether this is a good book or not is hard to say, since (unlike fiction) nonfiction, and especially biographies, must be reviewed in a manner completely different to what I am used to. Does one judge a biography on how faithful to reality it is, or how comprehensive in containing the life under discussion? Even after writing a 4000 word review I can’t properly decide how I feel about it. As a closing argument, I think this book is a must read. I think everyone should definitely read it once, and then engage in a long, healthy debate about all of the things that surround it. Recommended.
**
A more detailed review on the blog (because Goodreads word limit, ugh)
**
My god. Mind blown. SO MANY THINGS to discuss. Review to come.
So reading the book without having at least some pre-conceived idea of what it was about was impossible. But I tried to be as open as possible to my own reaction to the writing, which ended up being an account of one of the most unstable, unhealthy relationships I’ve ever read. Tehmina Durani, the teller of her life story, sketches in quite a lot of detail about her tumultuous marriage to Mustafa Khar, a Pakistani politician who is the epitome of every abusive husband ever. I already knew he would be horrible, but I had underestimated, even by my own very generous standards, how horrible he could possibly be.
Most of the beginning of this book feels like a Judith McNaught novel, in that everyone is filthy rich and ridiculously good looking except for our ugly duckling heroine. They all indulge in rich people activities and spend their time doing rich people things, with a whole team of servants and guards streaming behind them. A desire to copy the British lifestyle is evident in almost all of Tehmina Durrani’s family, especially from the maternal side. The author’s mother, who plays a huge part in how Tehmina turns out, was cold and distant and mostly responsible for inculcating really low self-esteem in the children she deemed unworthy of her approval. Mostly those were the kids with dark skin (including our author), who grow up in a household where fair skin – like the one her mother and her Pathan father have – are prized above all else. Wanting her mother’s approval and love is a pretty constant theme within the narrative, and Durrani, unable to separate herself from the idea of the young child who constantly craved for any sign of affection from her strict mother, seems to be aware of it.
Her first marriage to a man named Anees, who woes her when she is sixteen with clandestine notes snuck in to her Convent school, falls apart according to the author not only because she grows bored with Anees or because Anees is technically lower in social status, as the author’s mother claims on her first rejection of the marriage proposal, but because for Durrani, her mother’s withheld love triumphs all. It was during this time, with Tehmina frustrated and bored of her first husband, during which she met Mustafa Khar, an upcoming politician who could have walked straight out of one of McNaught’s aforementioned novels, in that all the clichés about heroes seem to have applied to him. Looking at pictures of present day Khar makes it hard to understand how a younger version of him could have ever looking alluring or attractive, but whatever it was, for the young and unhappily married Tehmina, who herself stated that by all accounts her husband was a nice enough man (with whom she also had a baby) whom she never managed to love. And in contrast, Mustafa Khar seemed powerful and noble and charisma personified.
I was haunted by feelings of being a non-person and by extremely low self esteem. If Mother did not approve of me and love me, Anees’s weak opinion – and those of his lower-positioned family – was of little consequence.
Tehmina’s divorce, her first, and Khar’s plan to leave his heavily pregnant wife (his fifth) caused a shit storm, because in Pakistan all divorces are treated as worse than the possibility that a man might be abusing his wife. It is the ultimate dishonor, and Tehmina’s parents treated it as such. Especially her mother, for whom the idea of what people would say was more important than literally anything else. There must have been some irony in the fact that the mother herself was divorced, but how regularly do people forgive other people’s trespasses if they’ve suffered through something themselves? Very rarely, of course.
Despite the fact that our mother had divorced her first husband, we were taught that marriage was a sacred and irrevocable institution. If a husband turned out to be a brute, it was the wife’s duty to persevere until she changed his character. A broken marriage was a reflection of a woman’s failure.
It was at this point that my opinions started to make themselves manifest. Usually when I review a book, I like to separate the book from the author: the author is dead, as Roland Barthes would say, and my job is to comment on the text without the contextualization of the author’s actions. Reviewing a biography, however, sort of makes that an impossibility, because what you are commenting on is the author’s life itself. One must also take into account the fact that any biography will feature a version of the events that puts its author forward in the best possible light. One of the most intense conversations I had during the reading of this novel was in questioning the veracity of the claims put forward by Durrani. According to her, her father was encouraged by Bhutto to secretly transfer state assets from East Pakistan to West before the 1971 separation. Her father’s refusal led to his being thrown in jail once Bhutto came to power.
It’s entirely possible that all of this is true, and since her father’s eventual imprisonment ended with a trial which exonerated him, it’s also possible that historical documents can attest to this fact, but narratives can be edited to a person’s benefit, this also is true. People can manipulate events to their benefit, this also is true. And no reader of history, especially in the form of a biography, should be naïve enough to assume that what they are reading is, in fact, what actually happened. Which was why I read the whole thing with a grain of salt, paying special attention not to the events that happened but also how they are presented.
Looking at the book from this light, the presentation of Mustafa Khar, the antagonist of this narrative, makes for a very interesting study. Since the story is very overwhelmingly about a woman’s escape from her abusive marriage, I had imagined the abuser would be painted with a very harsh brush. But this book flips the switch by not even taking a more diplomatic, distant tone, but rather coming across as —there really is no other way to put this—begrudgingly admiring. It sounds like how a person, horrified by someone’s cruelty and misogyny, is simultaneously awed by them and how, by indulging in their horrible behavior, the person has managed to gain and retain power. In multiple scenes, the ghastly things that Khar did are presented as an example of his prowess or his thinking abilities rather than as a testament to his foul personality.
Exhibiting a native canniness, Mustafa used the power of his office to re-establish his financial position. Over the years he had sold off much of his land holdings in order to finance his political aspirations. But now those who had bought from him found themselves hauled in by the police on trumped-up charges and coerced into returning his land. Before long, Mustafa had recouped almost all of his holdings.
What’s also very funny is the juxtaposition between the Mustafa Khar who is corrupt and uses his power to oppress those below him, and the Khar who gets the support of Zulfiqar Bhutto primarily because he is ‘a man of the country’, someone who has grown up within the feudal system and understands the fights of the downtrodden. This point is repeated again and again, claiming that Bhutto was convinced they could change the country together, but he was planning this with the same Khar who blew all the money his father gave him upon his election to the National Assembly on buying a cavalcade of ridiculously expensive American cars. That doesn’t exactly sound like a man whose main interest is the people.
Sherry theorized that he suffered from an inferiority complex. He resented women from our social background and made it his mission to subjugate them. He disguised his class envy by assuming a feudal air.
This connection between the Mustafa Khar that other people saw and the reality of who he was—a vicious and cruel person—seemed to be pervasive throughout both his political life as well as his personal. No matter how many times Sherry, Mustafa’s wife before Tehmina, tried to tell her that Mustafa wasn’t a nice person, Tehmina couldn’t believe it until she got married to him and was faced with his frequent bouts of utter rage, the casual way he inflicted violence, or his blatant disregard for the women in his life. For Mustafa Khar, his weak morals and his feelings of inadequacy were all inter connected with an inherent misogyny that patriarchy allowed him to cultivate to the best of his abilities.
She claimed that his political idealism was merely an attempt to gain access to our class and that his concern for the poor and the downtrodden was a sham. In truth, she said, it was a manifestation of his hatred for the lite. He wanted to demolish the structure that ridiculed his origins and lacked at his lack of breeding and style. Women were his obvious victims. He was out to destroy us.
However, it would be an understatement to claim that Khar was merely misogynistic. For him, wives were perfectly acceptable venues for expressing his anger, laying his hands on, exerting control over. At the beginning, he was portrayed as merely passionate: to Tehmina, who started her affair by sneaking around behind everyone’s back and watching how Khar manipulated the events around them so he could spend time with Tehmina, he seemed fascinating. Eventually though, once they are married, the reality started to set in. And what’s fascinating about this marriage is that our protagonist had five other examples – all of Khar’s ex-wives – to show her what kind of husband he was, except they were clearly not on her mind, proven by the bare minimum attention paid to them in this telling. All of these women are mostly insignificant except for the fact that they caught Khar’s eye, and his spur of the eye decision to marry them resulted in their subsequent signing off of all their power to a man who was a true description of the term feudal lord. His first wife, older than him and handed to him on the authority of his father, he ran off to the city to escape after impregnating. There he married a friend’s divorced wife who bore him another child. He then married an air hostess, and a few years after that a prostitute. The last wife before our author was Shehrezad, a beautiful, highly accomplished woman whom Khar married because he had to meet US delegates and wished to impress them with his trophy wife.
This sort of intertwining of the personal with the political is a thread that runs throughout the book, primarily because Mustafa Khar was a politician. Which is why one of the reasons I liked reading this book was the historical perspective it provided. Biased or not, history is always more interesting when reading from the point of the view of the figures involved, rather than from a dry, date-by-date account that our course books usually espouse. Since Mustafa Khar has always been such an important political figure, when Tehmina Durrani sketches his background she touches upon a number of major points in Pakistan’s history. This is made all the more interesting for any Pakistani reader who must judge for themselves how true to history this narrative really is.
Within a year, fueled by the hostile press, mainly in India and Britain, the battle for the liberation of Bangladesh had begun. The west seemed to have misread the plight of the East Pakistani people. West Pakistan was attempting to stop the Indian government’s dismemberment of their country, but it was projected as though we were the villains by not allowing autonomy to a people demanding their rights and freedom.
This manipulation of events proves that within the narrative there is an obvious bias towards the things that Tehmina Durrani believed or knew. So how do we look at the rest of the story: do we believe that she portrays herself as the victim, or do we look at it as an account of a vile man who was as evil as she clearly told us? Because even though a lot of people think it must have taken a lot of courage to write what she did, and a lot of people also agree that it’s shocking that Khar managed to carry on for so long (and still does) until Durrani took pen to paper, the criticisms that this book faces still exist. And without fail each criticism, contentious and strongly worded, is tinged with hints of ingrained misogyny.
It’s impossible to not encounter deeply held patriarchal beliefs when discussing this book in public. Most people, even the highly educated ones, held on to some strand of victim blaming, questioning why Tehmina chose to stay with Mustafa or why multiple women kept marrying him even with his cruelty widely known. Even in stories which so clearly try to explain how the man was abusive, basic sexism made it instinctive for them to question the woman’s actions instead of the man. And this question, about why she stayed with him, is one of the most commonly asked ones about abusive marriages: why does the woman (or, in some cases, the man) stay with their abuser?
Given my faulty knowledge and my position of privilege, it really isn’t fair for me to try to answer this question, but only to empathize, to place the fault where it belongs: with the abuser. Because for those who haven’t suffered the abuse, it is unimaginable, a horror of the highest order, and we think that if we were ever in that position, we would walk out, we wouldn’t stick around to bear another second of the indignity. But the reality of it is different, must be different, must be an existence that from us, the privileged, commands only empathy. In this book in particular, there is a vicious cycle of dependency, a particular hint of obsession and an inability to let go of each other. Even after Mustafa Khar starts to have an affair with Tehmina’s sister Adila, which would require another whole ten-thousand-words review to discuss properly, even after all the torture and rape and assault, Tehmina continues to fight to stay with him. Why? I certainly don’t know.
He spoke of the Adila episode, and was convinced that the Devil had entered him. He knew that he had imprisoned me in loneliness, and now, he believed, God had punished him with imprisonment while I was free. He had thought that he had lost me forever, and all he had was this room and God. He now realized what it must have been like for me when I was isolated and alone.
Victim blaming is a pretty common theme running through most of these critics’ arguments: Didn’t Durrani already know he was an abusive man? This, coupled with the fact that she then married Shahbaz Sharif, (current Leader of the Opposition in the National Assembly of Pakistan) thereby jumping back into politics. Most of the people who read this book state pretty much the same thing: that they loved it when they read it, but now that Tehmina Durrani has married Shahbaz Sharif, they can’t believe she would marry into the same social circles, and that she probably deserves any more shit she gets, for choosing to marry such a corrupt man.
I think we need to have a very honest conversation about why we assume patriarchal notions won’t exist where they do, and how stereotypes can plague even those who mean well. So, for example, with women who have been through abusive marriages, we expect them to have magically unwritten all the years of patriarchal conditioning they’ve been through, and accept that some men are trash, but of course it doesn’t work like that. When a women works, we expect her to be a champion for the rights of all working women. A women who has had kids must be able to understand when another mother wants a break. One who has been restricted by the community’s concepts of modesty must understand why another would want to break out of them. This very basic logic, that once you’ve suffered through something, you must be able to empathize better with those who are oppressed by the same rules, unfortunately doesn’t translate into real life. because the truth is that humans are complex, and by complex I mean capable of very easily carrying entirely conflicting opinions.
Describing her ‘perfect’ relationship with Mustafa, (Sherry) laced her conversation with barbs, such as: “Mustafa says women who have affairs with married men are sluts.” Such words were met with sniggers and nudges, all directed at me.
Misogyny is hard to recognize for most people, and even harder to unlearn. And for most of this story, it is misogyny we must encounter, in the characters as well as in ourselves: Tehmina’s adultery, Mustafa’s horrible behavior towards his pregnant wife; Mustafa’s mental and physical torture of Tahmina; his affairs with Tehmina’s sister and her own reactions to it, blaming the sister but not her husband; her parent’s divorce; the treatment of Mustafa and Tehmina’s children, poor souls caught up in a family drama being played out in front of newspaper reporters and the world. All these things are intense and involve patriarchal notions in all forms, which means it involves a careful untangling of your own horror as a reaction to the story.
The good thing was, I had lots of friends on whom I could rely upon to provide me with smart insights. One of them, working on a paper about Saving Muslim Women and how Islamophobic narratives are used to justify military interventions in Muslim-majority countries, wrote about American anthropologist Lila Abu-Lughod. Abu-Lughod described pornographic pulp ‘non’-fiction as a literary genre based upon autobiographical accounts of Muslim women’s oppression. According to my friend’s paper, the enduring legacy and bestselling status of books such as this one are dangerous indicators because they ‘feed shallow generalizations about Muslim societies instead of informing the reader of the ‘radical specificity’ of each case’. This, I think, was fascinating for me, because my reactions were purely class based: this must be the norm for all poor households, my privileged mind thought, but of course abuse is different in all its forms. Of course some are worse than others, and that doesn’t mean those aren’t more acceptable. It’s just that this story is hell on earth, and reading it gave me all sorts of feelings, half of which I still haven’t been able to sort out.
When I was trying to convince my best friend to read this book, she expressed doubt about wanting to read a bad book. But whether this is a good book or not is hard to say, since (unlike fiction) nonfiction, and especially biographies, must be reviewed in a manner completely different to what I am used to. Does one judge a biography on how faithful to reality it is, or how comprehensive in containing the life under discussion? Even after writing a 4000 word review I can’t properly decide how I feel about it. As a closing argument, I think this book is a must read. I think everyone should definitely read it once, and then engage in a long, healthy debate about all of the things that surround it. Recommended.
**
A more detailed review on the blog (because Goodreads word limit, ugh)
**
My god. Mind blown. SO MANY THINGS to discuss. Review to come.
September 22, 2018
Last time when I went out shopping for novels, I told my bestie (as always😉) that I have been wanting to read this book for quite some time now. She told me she had it and could lend it to me. Coming back home and getting done with the daily chores, I put my hands on this book and got myself to my comfortable spot along with a cup of tea. And then before starting it, I cleared my mind of all the reviews I had heard about the people/character in this book. I wanted to make my own opinion of it. Living on the same patch of earth as the protagonist (Tehmina Durrani), I had huge expectations from her regarding boldness, maturity and courage. I was not a bit shocked by the political manoeuvres or the illegal relationships or discriminating your own children based on their looks or even the treatment of women as sex tools. The only thing that shook me to the core were the choices our protagonist makes under pressure. It seems like she has no sense of direction about her own life. There's always a right and wrong way of doing a thing. A weakness of your own character and lack of courage is something you can never blame on others or your circumstances. Well I believe that there is always a loophole if you try to make one. How do you justify emphasizing the short term delights endangering the long term goals? A relationship based on wrong(which according to me was lust in this case) could never achieve a successful culmination. I lost interest by the repetition of the same torture she allowed herself to go through. How can you even expect someone else to stand for you when you are not doing it by yourself?? I am not saying anything written in this book is wrong because I very well belong to the same society. I am just saying this book felt more of an attempt to revenge. And if it was a battle, I am extremely sorry to say she lost it. I tried to persuade myself that may be everyone is right in their own shoes but I couldn't do it. The steps she took such a long time to take, she could have taken before and changed her life. This book utterly depressed me.
August 8, 2011
My feudal lord was just an ordinary Any pakistani household story, with Only politics making it little special. This is a story of most of the pakistani women, so she faced nothing extra, And whatever she faced during her marriage with Khar was the result of her own action, She did the same to Mustafa's Ex-wife sherry, which happened to her by her own sister Adila. She was an adulteress and was cursed for breaking sherry's marriage with mustafa, at the time when sherry was pregnant. If mustafa was a psycho she also used to provoke him with her stubbornness, and the man couldn't trust her as she herself admitted because of having extra marital affairs with mustafa when married with anees. She started hating her first husband whom she loved, when she saw a powerful charming man, and started developing excuses to leave him, that time she found anees powerless and dumb. later on, her views changed of anees. Tehmina durrani was a confused woman in my opinion, she reaped what she sowed. Mustafa was not a good father, thats admitted and he was cruel but later on she got hold on her children. This book was Tehmina's way to relieve the guilt and it was written in a way to show the world mustufa's cruelty, for instance she started wearing white clothes out of her own choice, on discussing this with mustufa he gave no response and she put it as, he wanted me to appear unattractive to men. In my opinion she was equally responsible and not innocent at all.
December 1, 2014
While the abuse was brutal, Durrani lacks sincerity and refuses to accept her own flaws and chooses instead, to blame everything on her family and her husband, Khar. She also refuses to accept that she also ruined someone's home, and she also left a husband and a daughter, a daughter who kept coming back to a mother who didn't want her, and instead chooses to victimize herself even when it wasn't needed. This is probably the first book I have ever wanted to throw away because it just does not feel right, for her to think she was innocent, and that the whole world was against her, not when she herself destroyed so many lives.
March 2, 2013
By the time you say you’re his,
Shivering and sighing.
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, and undying-
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
-DOROTHY PARKER (Unfortunate Coincidence)
This is the caveat Ms. Tehmina Durrani should have taken heed of. But as the saying goes ‘Love is blind’, she fell into the perfectly woven trap by Mustafa Khar. The writer starts off with explaining her childhood lifestyle and traumas. Her painstakingly disciplined upbringing in the house where her father was ceaselessly hen-pecked by her mother, where the mirage of perfection was necessary, where she was traumatized unremittingly about her dark complexion, where her mother was a dictator and Tehmina was a mere pawn, left her with plethora of insecurities regarding her beauty and shaken confidence. Her father, who clearly loved her without any color discrimination, was not allowed to show his affections. Tehmina was badgered and was declared inadequate by the womanly standards of her mother. Her meningitis fueled her mother’s abomination for her. Among her other siblings, Adila, the youngest and fairest of all was given the family title of princess. Her mother used to dance on every whim of Adila. The only family member who would support Tehmina was her grand-mother. I think this crippled self-esteem, if not entirely, became the reason of her further suffering.
As she came to an adolescent age, she thought she fell in
love with a muslim boy, named Anees, who would pass passionate letters to her in academy. She started dreaming of her marriage to him and end of her incarceration in her mother’s well-built prison-like cell. After much drama, her mother gave consent to
Tehmina’s marriage to Anees. After few years of marriage, she came to the realization that she wasn’t, in fact, in love with Anees, but with the idea of freedom. She gave birth to a daughter, Tanya, during the time period.
Arrival of Mustafa Khar, a feudal lord and rising politician, brought a certain
degree of excitement in her life. Her still-present insecurities about her beauty was slowly washed away by Mustafa’s surreptitious pursuing of her. He was relentless in discussing and introducing new ideas in politics. She was intrigued by this man, his discreet inviting glances woke her inner rebel to go against all Islamic laws of modesty. She began an affair with Mustafa, even when they both had spouses. In spite of
Mustafa’s wife, Sherry’s clear warnings regarding Mustafa’s demented code of conducts, Tehmina chose not to believe them, resulting in him marrying her while Sherry was pregnant. Tehmina’s family shunned her, as appearances were everything to her family and she had committed the most insolent crime by dragging their names in mud. After
Mustafa’s divorce with Sherry, when the initial glitter started to worn off, Tehmina began to sense her new husband’s mercurial state of nature. That’s when the real story of “My Feudal Lord” starts.
Mustafa exhibits a classic sadistic stream, he lashes out by
striking her, his temper revoked by slightest of in-coordination or non-compliance. He fed his monsters by squashing Tehmina’s hopes, her dreams, humiliating her in every aspect possible, abusing her mentally and sexually, harassing her with his grotesque profanities, controlling her with his dire threats, leaving her petrified. When the first stage of beatings passes, he apologizes, promises spuriously to never assail her again, shows regret, croons and pamper her all the while whispering future betterment. But like all illusions, it shatters again and again. He is a Barbarian who tries to mingle among the elites of society but always stands out because of his feudal heritage and rural upbringing. He seems to resent Tehmina for her smoothness in imperial ways. Mustafa is a ‘first-gear’ type of person, who likes to start things but nothing held his attention for long, leaving his messes to be cleaned up by Tehmina or their slave-servant. He often interrogates Tehmina about her past marital relationship with Anees, and when she fails to articulate responses acceptable to his verdict, he trashes her with a new vigor, charged by twisted and perverted jealousy. Tehmina tried to leave Mustafa many times, but he being the feudal lord, in a habit of keeping his possessions to himself, always found a way to pull her back, once even by taking his own three children hostages. Tehmina’s mortification became tenfold when her own younger sister Adila fell in a liaison with Mustafa. When she tried to confront both, they declared her emotionally impaired and delusional. She was not allowed to think, and her perceptiveness became the danger, only her surrender to lethargic stupidity and active denial was protecting the shoddy structure of her marriage.
Tehmina’s spirit, her interest in politics for the improvement of Pakistan, and her children were the only things which gave her strength to face Mustafa like a Spartan. After three futile divorce attempts, she succeeded the fourth time. Although she had left Mustafa after fourteen years, the past would clung to her like an indolent disease.
Her family had finally severed all ties with her by disowning her
after uniting and shunning her repeatedly (by her mother’s will), portraying her an
ignominious woman. However, her grandmother, other sisters and brother-in-laws, helped and supported her at the time of crisis, going against their mother’s orders. Her father married another woman, freeing himself from the claws of her mother.
The amount of courage and boldness Ms. Durrani showed, despite of her conservative and conventional barriers, by writing this book is deferential. I,
personally am a strong and avid feminist. The act of writing this book by stripping bare all the embarrassing details and facing the severe possibilities of negative criticism, she made a stand in my list of influential women.
The reason I gave this book 4.5 stars is because I disliked the way she pitied Mustafa, sympathized his situations, helped him time and time again. For the
way he treated her, she should have just left him to rot in hell and never look back.
February 11, 2021
Having grown up in India, I have always been interested in things happening in Pakistan. We would view things in Pakistan with a sense of mystery. There were so many walls between the two nations, there still are. But things are easing. Growing up, for me and many others during the cold war, Pakistan was always represented as this theocratic rogue, by the powers that be, always on the brink of war with India. Tehmina Durrani's book, does not do much to dispel this myth. But the fact that she survived to write this book and still resides in Pakistan is an achievement in itself. Unlike Tasleema Nasrin, Durrani does not challenge the Islamic point of view, instead she challenges male chauvinism in a feudal and intolerant society. Tehmina Durrani is among Pakistan's English speaking privileged elite, yet even she could not escape getting singed by the overbearing tyranny of Pakistan's tribal/feudal/male chauvinistic culture. That she has survived and told her story is in exhilarating in itself. It is not as harrowing as some other notable books from Islamic Lands, but it is just as honest a voice.
September 25, 2012
I first saw this book on the bookshelf of one of my friend. Upon reading its back cover and discussing about with the friend, I became intrigued.
Miss Durrani narrates about her life and that of her husband Mr Mustafa Khar's in Pakistan(who is uncle of Hina Rabbani Khar). For starters she herself is not that clean but honest nonetheless, as she was having extra-marital affair with Mustafa Khar when she was already married ( something she reports here, it seems to me that some women enjoy the company of powerful men, not that those powerful men aren't good seducers)
She looses the custody of her first child to her husband who is way more subtle compared to Mustafa Khar, but whom she married after convincing to her parents that she loves him like anything and would live happily ever-after with him. (quite a short love story I guess). In the book she deals with the fact that Pakistani elites are chauvinistic people including her own father (who earlier use give into his demanding, high nose wife. That changes when he starts getting affection of certain other lady, as he starts to assert himself)
She wishes to repeatedly say that she suffered form an inferiority complex since childhood as she was an ugly ducking among good looking Pashtun family of her. She also talks in length of the other feudalistic societies/communities in Pakistan, the trial and tribulations of Mustafa Khar. His fight to win the Punjab elections and PPP's policies(Pakistan people's party). She is particularly critical of Mustafa Khar as he is shown as playboy,ruthless political animal and some one who corrupts her younger sister, a 16 year old (whom he later marries after divorcing Miss Durrani, not before making her a woman in the due process, quite a scandal).
There are chapters on her survival after divorce when her children are taken away and there is no financial support for her too. Finally she writes the book "My Feudal lord" and when Mr Mustafa Khar asks her question that what was that none-sense written in the books of her's (in regard to the secrets that she brings out).
She replies that now you would be known by my Name, as an ex-husband of Tehmina Durrani and not vicaversa,like he had earlier predicted (His exact words to be like: you would remembered as one of my many wives and would fade away in history). In short she takes her revenge.
Miss Durrani narrates about her life and that of her husband Mr Mustafa Khar's in Pakistan(who is uncle of Hina Rabbani Khar). For starters she herself is not that clean but honest nonetheless, as she was having extra-marital affair with Mustafa Khar when she was already married ( something she reports here, it seems to me that some women enjoy the company of powerful men, not that those powerful men aren't good seducers)
She looses the custody of her first child to her husband who is way more subtle compared to Mustafa Khar, but whom she married after convincing to her parents that she loves him like anything and would live happily ever-after with him. (quite a short love story I guess). In the book she deals with the fact that Pakistani elites are chauvinistic people including her own father (who earlier use give into his demanding, high nose wife. That changes when he starts getting affection of certain other lady, as he starts to assert himself)
She wishes to repeatedly say that she suffered form an inferiority complex since childhood as she was an ugly ducking among good looking Pashtun family of her. She also talks in length of the other feudalistic societies/communities in Pakistan, the trial and tribulations of Mustafa Khar. His fight to win the Punjab elections and PPP's policies(Pakistan people's party). She is particularly critical of Mustafa Khar as he is shown as playboy,ruthless political animal and some one who corrupts her younger sister, a 16 year old (whom he later marries after divorcing Miss Durrani, not before making her a woman in the due process, quite a scandal).
There are chapters on her survival after divorce when her children are taken away and there is no financial support for her too. Finally she writes the book "My Feudal lord" and when Mr Mustafa Khar asks her question that what was that none-sense written in the books of her's (in regard to the secrets that she brings out).
She replies that now you would be known by my Name, as an ex-husband of Tehmina Durrani and not vicaversa,like he had earlier predicted (His exact words to be like: you would remembered as one of my many wives and would fade away in history). In short she takes her revenge.
January 29, 2013
I found this book unreadably tragic. Though I agree with some of the other reviews that the author comes off as insincere, I have to believe that most of what she claims is true, though possibly dramatized and exaggerated.
The blurb proclaims that the book is a "devastating indictment of women's role in Muslim society" and that it is a "sensational European bestseller". That should have made me cynical, but I picked up the book anyway.
Upon reading the book though, Islam comes off as the junior partner in the oppression of Durrani. The bigger problem seems to be her marriage to a psychotic, manipulative, and extremely powerful man. There is no reason to suppose that this is a peculiarly Pakistani or Muslim problem. This could happen anywhere.
Durrani's first husband Anees, who is both Pakistani and Muslim, comes off as a polar opposite to her Mustafa Khar. He is gentle, honourable, and treats women with respect. When asked for a divorce, though much pained, he granted one without much of a fuss. He sent his daughter from his marriage to Durrani back to her mother.
The book doesn't teach us much that we don't already know: Pakistan is a lawless, patriarchal society that allows men like Khar to be cruel to their wives, but also has men like Anees.
Not worth your time is all I can say.
The blurb proclaims that the book is a "devastating indictment of women's role in Muslim society" and that it is a "sensational European bestseller". That should have made me cynical, but I picked up the book anyway.
Upon reading the book though, Islam comes off as the junior partner in the oppression of Durrani. The bigger problem seems to be her marriage to a psychotic, manipulative, and extremely powerful man. There is no reason to suppose that this is a peculiarly Pakistani or Muslim problem. This could happen anywhere.
Durrani's first husband Anees, who is both Pakistani and Muslim, comes off as a polar opposite to her Mustafa Khar. He is gentle, honourable, and treats women with respect. When asked for a divorce, though much pained, he granted one without much of a fuss. He sent his daughter from his marriage to Durrani back to her mother.
The book doesn't teach us much that we don't already know: Pakistan is a lawless, patriarchal society that allows men like Khar to be cruel to their wives, but also has men like Anees.
Not worth your time is all I can say.
September 19, 2017
Written in the same world where I live, and the reality of which we go through everyday.
May 7, 2011
The Ultimate Nightmare of a Pakistani Woman: To be trapped in a violent marriage
Tehmina Durrani was born into a strangely dysfunctional family with a combination of an over dominating mother and a mostly absentee father. Cursed with dark skin, she was forever ignored and psychologically led-down by her mother. Nevertheless, she grew up to be charming young lady who drew many a male attention but never from anyone her parents might approve. Her first marriage was to Anees Khan, a man of lower social standing than Tehmina's family. However, his love could not hold her interest too long in front of the charismatic Mustafa Khar (a prominent political figure in Pakistan), whom she met at a social gathering and instantly fell in love with. Little did she know that the public and private faces of Mustafa Khar were two different entities!
While they were both married when they met, Mustafa Khar manipulated the situation enough to ensure Tehmina's divorce. His marriage to her soon after, ultimately resulted in his own divorce from Sherry, his fifth wife. Horribly deluded, Tehmina always believed that Mustafa’s inability to hold a workable marriage all this while was because “he had not found the right woman” yet, but this was soon to be challenged. She endured his violent and volcanic temperament in silence for more than a decade, never finding enough courage to leave him. She stood by him in the toughest period of his political career; however, Mustafa rewarded her patience and benevolence towards him with infidelity and betrayal. Caught in the web of family drama and the prospect of social stigma Tehmina endured for a long while, but there comes a point when enough is enough!
“My Feudal Lord”, is a brave attempt on part of Tehmina Durrani to break free from our societies double standards towards women. I have to commend her courage to speak out, because no other Pakistani woman would admit to half of the things Ms. Durrani reveals in her book.
However, I find it hard to fully sympathise with her as far as her political ideals are concerned. I was reading somewhere that her she is now married to the current chief-minister of Punjab, Shahbaz Shareef, and that she influences many of his political decisions. It is sad to see that she was willing to buy medicines for the patients in a hospital out of empathy for the poor patients, even when she knew that they would never reach them due to the corrupt medical staff; however, she made no move to eradicate this predicament’s root cause by trying to get her husband to agree to the demands of the doctors and paramedics in Punjab.
Nevertheless, where some might call her an adulterous, some might call her a house-wrecker, I would say that she was a very brave woman. She went through a huge ordeal in life, the authenticity of which I DO NOT doubt, keeping in mind Mr. Khar’s reputation, and she came out of it a better and stronger woman. I commend her courage and hope that other women in my country would learn from her bravery and also from her mistakes, as there is still hope for us as a nation...
Tehmina Durrani was born into a strangely dysfunctional family with a combination of an over dominating mother and a mostly absentee father. Cursed with dark skin, she was forever ignored and psychologically led-down by her mother. Nevertheless, she grew up to be charming young lady who drew many a male attention but never from anyone her parents might approve. Her first marriage was to Anees Khan, a man of lower social standing than Tehmina's family. However, his love could not hold her interest too long in front of the charismatic Mustafa Khar (a prominent political figure in Pakistan), whom she met at a social gathering and instantly fell in love with. Little did she know that the public and private faces of Mustafa Khar were two different entities!
While they were both married when they met, Mustafa Khar manipulated the situation enough to ensure Tehmina's divorce. His marriage to her soon after, ultimately resulted in his own divorce from Sherry, his fifth wife. Horribly deluded, Tehmina always believed that Mustafa’s inability to hold a workable marriage all this while was because “he had not found the right woman” yet, but this was soon to be challenged. She endured his violent and volcanic temperament in silence for more than a decade, never finding enough courage to leave him. She stood by him in the toughest period of his political career; however, Mustafa rewarded her patience and benevolence towards him with infidelity and betrayal. Caught in the web of family drama and the prospect of social stigma Tehmina endured for a long while, but there comes a point when enough is enough!
“My Feudal Lord”, is a brave attempt on part of Tehmina Durrani to break free from our societies double standards towards women. I have to commend her courage to speak out, because no other Pakistani woman would admit to half of the things Ms. Durrani reveals in her book.
However, I find it hard to fully sympathise with her as far as her political ideals are concerned. I was reading somewhere that her she is now married to the current chief-minister of Punjab, Shahbaz Shareef, and that she influences many of his political decisions. It is sad to see that she was willing to buy medicines for the patients in a hospital out of empathy for the poor patients, even when she knew that they would never reach them due to the corrupt medical staff; however, she made no move to eradicate this predicament’s root cause by trying to get her husband to agree to the demands of the doctors and paramedics in Punjab.
Nevertheless, where some might call her an adulterous, some might call her a house-wrecker, I would say that she was a very brave woman. She went through a huge ordeal in life, the authenticity of which I DO NOT doubt, keeping in mind Mr. Khar’s reputation, and she came out of it a better and stronger woman. I commend her courage and hope that other women in my country would learn from her bravery and also from her mistakes, as there is still hope for us as a nation...
February 19, 2014
I agree with Piyush Verma - the book lacks sincerity. It's quite evident that that the writer is trying too hard to get a tear.
Also, most of what happened with her was self-inflicted (I don't mean the violence of course). It is SHE who broke another woman's marriage and home, and then spends the rest of her life complaining about having gotten a raw deal.
Still, if only for her horrible experiences, I was inclined towards giving this book a 3-star rating. One sentence in the whole book totally ruined it for me - the lady goes to India and is allowed to enter without a visa (her husband has asked the Indian Govt for assistance in overthrowing the existing Pak regime) - she wants to, and is allowed to visit Ajmer Sharif along with a couple of special agents in tow - she complains about this as if implying that the Govt should have left her free to roam the country without a visa - then, the clincher for me: when she prays in the shrine, the agents are standing in the same room - she has the almighty gall to think:
"Their Hindu presence disturbed my Islamic prayers."
God in Heaven, what unbelievable poppycock!!
I truly could not breathe for a few seconds, and actually re-read the paragraph a couple of times to make sure I wasn't reading it wrong! Damn it, you're in MY country, under the mercy of MY Govt, and our 'Hindu presence' disturbs your prayers?
Was she not saying her 'Islamic prayers' when she had illicit liasons (her words, not mine) with another woman's husband while still married to Anees?
I wonder how her 'Islamic prayers' were not disturbed when she broke Sherry's marriage and home?
Were her 'Islamic prayers' not disturbed when she broke her own home and the heart of her first husband Anees?
Where were her 'Islamic prayers' when she dumped her first daughter Tanya (not once, THREE times!) in order to run off with her 'feudal lord'?
After this, the whole book seemed an exercise in self-indulgence. Both, she as well as her 2nd husband come across as self-centred, self-consumed persons, and I daresay, they deserved each other.
Also, most of what happened with her was self-inflicted (I don't mean the violence of course). It is SHE who broke another woman's marriage and home, and then spends the rest of her life complaining about having gotten a raw deal.
Still, if only for her horrible experiences, I was inclined towards giving this book a 3-star rating. One sentence in the whole book totally ruined it for me - the lady goes to India and is allowed to enter without a visa (her husband has asked the Indian Govt for assistance in overthrowing the existing Pak regime) - she wants to, and is allowed to visit Ajmer Sharif along with a couple of special agents in tow - she complains about this as if implying that the Govt should have left her free to roam the country without a visa - then, the clincher for me: when she prays in the shrine, the agents are standing in the same room - she has the almighty gall to think:
"Their Hindu presence disturbed my Islamic prayers."
God in Heaven, what unbelievable poppycock!!
I truly could not breathe for a few seconds, and actually re-read the paragraph a couple of times to make sure I wasn't reading it wrong! Damn it, you're in MY country, under the mercy of MY Govt, and our 'Hindu presence' disturbs your prayers?
Was she not saying her 'Islamic prayers' when she had illicit liasons (her words, not mine) with another woman's husband while still married to Anees?
I wonder how her 'Islamic prayers' were not disturbed when she broke Sherry's marriage and home?
Were her 'Islamic prayers' not disturbed when she broke her own home and the heart of her first husband Anees?
Where were her 'Islamic prayers' when she dumped her first daughter Tanya (not once, THREE times!) in order to run off with her 'feudal lord'?
After this, the whole book seemed an exercise in self-indulgence. Both, she as well as her 2nd husband come across as self-centred, self-consumed persons, and I daresay, they deserved each other.
May 3, 2017
A book, difficult to digest because it is autobiographical. The atrocities that happen on the protagonist are monstrous. The husband a still functioning politician in Pakistan. It makes me rethink about our politicians too. We never think good of them anyway but never expected them to be of quite this level either. The parents, the sisters are an awful mix of support and destruction. The protagonist at the end frees herself and tells her story.
There is a lot of Pakistani politics discussed, which while digresses from the main domestic violence story, is still very interesting. Indian leaders show up unexpectedly with unexpected roles to play. Kudos to the writer that she has not hidden her own warts. During political discussions, she did seem to show off as a nicer and idealistic person, which seems suspect to me. But outside of politics, her voice is strong and clear; the pain and the hopelessness come across very well.
Overall a good book. I do recommend you to pick up and read this one.
There is a lot of Pakistani politics discussed, which while digresses from the main domestic violence story, is still very interesting. Indian leaders show up unexpectedly with unexpected roles to play. Kudos to the writer that she has not hidden her own warts. During political discussions, she did seem to show off as a nicer and idealistic person, which seems suspect to me. But outside of politics, her voice is strong and clear; the pain and the hopelessness come across very well.
Overall a good book. I do recommend you to pick up and read this one.
November 8, 2017
When first released, it was scandalous - par excellence phenomena - and felt incredibly true. Durrani was hailed for being extremely brave for divulging extremely personal, even humiliating details of her married life. Mind you, this is Pakistan right after the Zia years and the book detailed a sexual affair that leads to marriage, and sexual humiliation at the hands of the feudal husband. Understandably, it rocked the conservative Pakistan (political and social sphere). It was the first book of its kind about a major political figure - and to date, that stands true.
Mustafa Khar is often called the male 'Elizabeth Taylor' (which frankly is derogatory to the legendary actress - at least she married because she was spoilt and in love! No one can lay that claim on Khar saahib, his 7th wife was 40 years his junior or something) and my mom's interpretation of his behavior as governor during Bhutto years in the rocking hillbilly chaotic 70s is not too complementary either: "women were abducted and brought to Governor House for him to rape", "he put one wife, former air hostess, in a basement, she was never seen again". Basically he was known as a lothario / sex fiend. But when I read this extraordinary book in 90s, I was irritated more by Durrani's consistently bad behavior before and after her marriage than by the crazy feudal landlord.
Their romance begins as all affairs do: clandestine, amongst protestations to Durrani from Khar's then-wife that Khar is not a nice guy - remarks totally ignored by a spoilt, flippant, beautiful social butterfly that Durrani was, being herself married at the time. And she promptly eloped to marry Khar, leaving her kid with the first husband. Even the final write-up ('My Feudal Lord') looks like the middle finger Durrani could give Khar from arm's length. In fact, if you read the book, the decision to leave Khar was not entirely hers to make - he got bored of her, and she could not take it! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
This was a trailblazing book that celebrated a woman's courage to get out of a bad marriage and stand up for herself. A feminist book before mullahs got wind of 'the Western idea'. Durrani became an icon for women in Pakistan.
But like all mirages, this also was a false perception: A decade after her divorce from Khar, in 2003-4, Durrani became the (3rd/ 4th?) wife of current Chief Minister of Punjab Shahbaz Sharif (tenure: 2008-present), who is the brother of current Prime Minister Nawaz - both brothers have a 'reputation' vis-à-vis women. So, technically, once again, she traded one powerful man for another - and not just any powerful man but THE most powerful man in Punjab, once again. And in a cavalier moment that truly showed the fast-food nature of upper class unions, and self-serving political rivalries in Pakistan, her former husband (Khar) accompanied her current husband (Shahbaz) on a plane on 10th Sept. 2007 while the latter was on his way back from London to Pakistan (on landing Sharif brothers were deported to Saudi Arabia: under Musharraf's agreement with Saudis, the Sharif brothers could not return to the country before '10 years' were complete. Khar went to his home in Punjab.) Both husbands were seated side by side. Still wondering what the two discussed during the seven-hour flight. Maybe they exchanged notes?
Another interesting dynamic of Pakistani society is that while Khar has given interviews almost unapologetically and been invited to all major talks shows without even a glitch for the last thirty plus years, Durrani has never spoken publicly on this chapter of her life. The social repercussions for a domestic abuser / serial polygamist / political honcho are still inconsequential, and as the wife of a political leader / chief minister, she is expected to play the graceful 'seen-not heard' part. However, circa 2016, Durrani hopped on to twitter to throw soft-focussed light on CM Sharif's 'achievements in governance' (mentioning none of the violent, regressive and polarizing legacies of his tenure), tout plausible deniability on CM Sharif's 'ill-begotten wealth', and lambast his PM brother for that very wealth. She also gave two interviews as PR stunts, to project a vicarious goodness-by-association with Pakistani legendary philanthropist Edhi sahib, and to forward her husband's credentials for premiership.
Her life journey makes one wonder who she really is: a survivor against all odds in a system designed to relegate a woman as a plaything, or an opportunist who used men of that system to her own advantage, or a woman who played by her own rules?
Whatever future Durrani carved out for herself - whether one agrees or disagrees with her choices (she has every right to do as she pleases), whether she is a true champion of women's rights (I don't) - this remains an important book - and I'm proud of it. That does not mean I like it, but it's an important book and must be read. It shows the claustrophobic feudal colonial mindset which no amount of education, progressive ideas and nurture can ever change. It also depicts the Pakistani high society. And her life is testament to the fact that in Pakistan (and elsewhere), 'who' women marry is far more important than what they make of themselves on their own.
(review: updated in 2017)
Mustafa Khar is often called the male 'Elizabeth Taylor' (which frankly is derogatory to the legendary actress - at least she married because she was spoilt and in love! No one can lay that claim on Khar saahib, his 7th wife was 40 years his junior or something) and my mom's interpretation of his behavior as governor during Bhutto years in the rocking hillbilly chaotic 70s is not too complementary either: "women were abducted and brought to Governor House for him to rape", "he put one wife, former air hostess, in a basement, she was never seen again". Basically he was known as a lothario / sex fiend. But when I read this extraordinary book in 90s, I was irritated more by Durrani's consistently bad behavior before and after her marriage than by the crazy feudal landlord.
Their romance begins as all affairs do: clandestine, amongst protestations to Durrani from Khar's then-wife that Khar is not a nice guy - remarks totally ignored by a spoilt, flippant, beautiful social butterfly that Durrani was, being herself married at the time. And she promptly eloped to marry Khar, leaving her kid with the first husband. Even the final write-up ('My Feudal Lord') looks like the middle finger Durrani could give Khar from arm's length. In fact, if you read the book, the decision to leave Khar was not entirely hers to make - he got bored of her, and she could not take it! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
This was a trailblazing book that celebrated a woman's courage to get out of a bad marriage and stand up for herself. A feminist book before mullahs got wind of 'the Western idea'. Durrani became an icon for women in Pakistan.
But like all mirages, this also was a false perception: A decade after her divorce from Khar, in 2003-4, Durrani became the (3rd/ 4th?) wife of current Chief Minister of Punjab Shahbaz Sharif (tenure: 2008-present), who is the brother of current Prime Minister Nawaz - both brothers have a 'reputation' vis-à-vis women. So, technically, once again, she traded one powerful man for another - and not just any powerful man but THE most powerful man in Punjab, once again. And in a cavalier moment that truly showed the fast-food nature of upper class unions, and self-serving political rivalries in Pakistan, her former husband (Khar) accompanied her current husband (Shahbaz) on a plane on 10th Sept. 2007 while the latter was on his way back from London to Pakistan (on landing Sharif brothers were deported to Saudi Arabia: under Musharraf's agreement with Saudis, the Sharif brothers could not return to the country before '10 years' were complete. Khar went to his home in Punjab.) Both husbands were seated side by side. Still wondering what the two discussed during the seven-hour flight. Maybe they exchanged notes?
Another interesting dynamic of Pakistani society is that while Khar has given interviews almost unapologetically and been invited to all major talks shows without even a glitch for the last thirty plus years, Durrani has never spoken publicly on this chapter of her life. The social repercussions for a domestic abuser / serial polygamist / political honcho are still inconsequential, and as the wife of a political leader / chief minister, she is expected to play the graceful 'seen-not heard' part. However, circa 2016, Durrani hopped on to twitter to throw soft-focussed light on CM Sharif's 'achievements in governance' (mentioning none of the violent, regressive and polarizing legacies of his tenure), tout plausible deniability on CM Sharif's 'ill-begotten wealth', and lambast his PM brother for that very wealth. She also gave two interviews as PR stunts, to project a vicarious goodness-by-association with Pakistani legendary philanthropist Edhi sahib, and to forward her husband's credentials for premiership.
Her life journey makes one wonder who she really is: a survivor against all odds in a system designed to relegate a woman as a plaything, or an opportunist who used men of that system to her own advantage, or a woman who played by her own rules?
Whatever future Durrani carved out for herself - whether one agrees or disagrees with her choices (she has every right to do as she pleases), whether she is a true champion of women's rights (I don't) - this remains an important book - and I'm proud of it. That does not mean I like it, but it's an important book and must be read. It shows the claustrophobic feudal colonial mindset which no amount of education, progressive ideas and nurture can ever change. It also depicts the Pakistani high society. And her life is testament to the fact that in Pakistan (and elsewhere), 'who' women marry is far more important than what they make of themselves on their own.
(review: updated in 2017)
August 6, 2021
As a woman and as a part of the same culture and society Miss Durani belongs to, I wasn’t a bit surprised by the physical and emotional abuse displayed by her husband or being discriminated on the basis of her dark complexion or looks. Most men of our society have a superiority complex and violence is used as a tool to keep weaker gender in line.
The first half of my feudal lord was exciting and the story was unfolding itself but on the latter part the repetition of the same tortures and events made it boring to read.
At some points I felt like the protagonist had been constantly trying to portray herself as an innocent and naïve victim of circumstances instead of taking responsibility for her actions. My feudal lord was unnecessarily stretched longer than it need to. I wanted to put it back on shelf halfway through but I finished it nonetheless.
Miss Durani has painted Mr.Khar as a political opportunist who tried to shake hands with India to raise rebellion against Pakistan. The author herself doesn’t emerge smelling of rose. She herself met with several powerful Indian figures and carried Mr. Khar messages to them as his assistant.
Also at certain points it felt like protagonist was insecure of her youngest sister since the start. She doesn’t come off as an ideal sister. Not forgetting the fact that Adeela was only 14 and Mustafa Khar around 40 when their affair started and Ms. Tehmina kept blaming her younger sister for ruining her marriage instead of saving and protecting her baby sister from Khar’s clutches as a responsible sister should have done.
What I feel is My Feudal Lord lacks sincerity on durani’s part. It appears of making an attempt of revenge on Mustafa Khar. She continuously strived to justify her choices rather than telling the story with complete honesty. The book is utterly depressing. I don’t think it’s worth your time.
The first half of my feudal lord was exciting and the story was unfolding itself but on the latter part the repetition of the same tortures and events made it boring to read.
At some points I felt like the protagonist had been constantly trying to portray herself as an innocent and naïve victim of circumstances instead of taking responsibility for her actions. My feudal lord was unnecessarily stretched longer than it need to. I wanted to put it back on shelf halfway through but I finished it nonetheless.
Miss Durani has painted Mr.Khar as a political opportunist who tried to shake hands with India to raise rebellion against Pakistan. The author herself doesn’t emerge smelling of rose. She herself met with several powerful Indian figures and carried Mr. Khar messages to them as his assistant.
Also at certain points it felt like protagonist was insecure of her youngest sister since the start. She doesn’t come off as an ideal sister. Not forgetting the fact that Adeela was only 14 and Mustafa Khar around 40 when their affair started and Ms. Tehmina kept blaming her younger sister for ruining her marriage instead of saving and protecting her baby sister from Khar’s clutches as a responsible sister should have done.
What I feel is My Feudal Lord lacks sincerity on durani’s part. It appears of making an attempt of revenge on Mustafa Khar. She continuously strived to justify her choices rather than telling the story with complete honesty. The book is utterly depressing. I don’t think it’s worth your time.
May 25, 2018
One may not find this autobiography so charming and full of success but it is drastically woven with the bitter truths about the feudal lord's filthy rules over others lives. Their lies and double standards. Tehmina Durrani has broken the silence by revealing it all at the price of many things. this book really shook me from inside that how a weak person suffers if he/she remain silent and sometimes you really have to pay a very high price for your mistakes. A worth to read.
October 1, 2017
Before starting this book, my expectations were not very high. I was expecting a below average book in terms of content and style like most famous biographies. It turned out to be a surprisingly interesting read both in terms of narrative technique and content. For me the portrait of Ghulam Mustafa khar as Immoral, Womanizer, Don Juan, worst husband, sadist pedophile, Rapist, corrupt, illiterate, blasphemer, sick minded, psychopath, Brutus for Bhutto, Machiavelli of Pakistan, Worst of feudal lords, and murderer is least interesting. We all know how politicians of all ages and all countries are. No one would be ignorant of the twisted personalities of current Pakistani politicians. Then what makes this book so interesting?
You don’t look for historical facts in biographies but narratives. Interestingly this narrative seems to work against the author. You don’t feel sympathy with the author instead you make strong judgements about the character and mental state of the author. You began to look more closely for things unsaid and unexplained. While exposing the personality of her feudal lord, Tehmina has revealed more of her complex personality and twisted mind. Every chapter seems to be written by different author or different state of minds. The story is unfolded in reverse order from present to past and then present. Now these are the facts which she stated about herself.
1- She had love marriage against her family wishes
2- She wanted to be the part of high society attention of the most powerful man of Punjab and did everything for it.
3- She herself started and maintain affair with Mustafa khar fooling her husband and Mustafa’s wife for years
4- She hated her first husband for being so naïve, simple minded and loving.
5- She knew all faults of in the personality of Mustafa khar yet she herself decided to get married. No one forced her.
6- She forgot her child very easily.
7- She hated her mother for strict discipline, maintaining family and Islamic values, helping her husband established financially, providing all the luxuries of life to her children etc.
8- She hated her sister for following her footsteps in starting an affair with a powerful and charismatic man (Mustafa khar).
9- She believed her mothers and sisters were conspiring against her all her life but she had no evidence.
10- She was fully involved in the conspiracy to overthrow the government in Pakistan with the help of money and arms from Indian government. Yet she is patriotic.
11- She applied all the tactics for political gains and lot more.
12- She enjoyed all the benefits of high society yet describe herself to be different and sympathetic to the poor (don’t know how).
13- She used to take antipsychotic and antidepressant medicines all her life. One time she attempted suicide. Her superstitious visions, believe in perpetual conspiracies, periods of extreme religiosity and extreme emotional decisions, her artistic tendencies pointed out something about her abnormal mental state. People around her routinely described her abnormal.
We are not even sure of above facts because they are explained by herself. But it doesn’t matter, I am not interested in the faults of Tehmina either. I enjoyed how her own narrative is working against her.
You don’t look for historical facts in biographies but narratives. Interestingly this narrative seems to work against the author. You don’t feel sympathy with the author instead you make strong judgements about the character and mental state of the author. You began to look more closely for things unsaid and unexplained. While exposing the personality of her feudal lord, Tehmina has revealed more of her complex personality and twisted mind. Every chapter seems to be written by different author or different state of minds. The story is unfolded in reverse order from present to past and then present. Now these are the facts which she stated about herself.
1- She had love marriage against her family wishes
2- She wanted to be the part of high society attention of the most powerful man of Punjab and did everything for it.
3- She herself started and maintain affair with Mustafa khar fooling her husband and Mustafa’s wife for years
4- She hated her first husband for being so naïve, simple minded and loving.
5- She knew all faults of in the personality of Mustafa khar yet she herself decided to get married. No one forced her.
6- She forgot her child very easily.
7- She hated her mother for strict discipline, maintaining family and Islamic values, helping her husband established financially, providing all the luxuries of life to her children etc.
8- She hated her sister for following her footsteps in starting an affair with a powerful and charismatic man (Mustafa khar).
9- She believed her mothers and sisters were conspiring against her all her life but she had no evidence.
10- She was fully involved in the conspiracy to overthrow the government in Pakistan with the help of money and arms from Indian government. Yet she is patriotic.
11- She applied all the tactics for political gains and lot more.
12- She enjoyed all the benefits of high society yet describe herself to be different and sympathetic to the poor (don’t know how).
13- She used to take antipsychotic and antidepressant medicines all her life. One time she attempted suicide. Her superstitious visions, believe in perpetual conspiracies, periods of extreme religiosity and extreme emotional decisions, her artistic tendencies pointed out something about her abnormal mental state. People around her routinely described her abnormal.
We are not even sure of above facts because they are explained by herself. But it doesn’t matter, I am not interested in the faults of Tehmina either. I enjoyed how her own narrative is working against her.
September 14, 2021
I suppose I ought to have known that this story, tragic though it may be, would not be the insightful commentary on Pakistan's patriarchal feudal system I'm hoping for. What can one really expect when one reads "European bestseller" and "a devastating indictment of women's role in Muslim society" proudly plastered together on the front cover? Tehmina Durrani, or any one woman, can hardly be representative of the experiences of "Muslim women". And when one gets into the book, there's no substantive discussion of society at all. Throughout, Durrani skates around the periphery of a multitude of complex social issues including colourism, patriarchy, emotional abuse, and classism but fails to develop any of them beyond mere mentions of their existence. She simply jumps from one theme to the next, with little understanding of the concepts she is attempting to discuss (especially the "women's role in Muslim society" that the book allegedly illustrates). Even if one were to simply read it as an autobiography, or a series of events, there is little to no emotional payoff. It's surprising, given the devastating nature of what she has had to endure, that Durrani's story leaves the reader rather indifferent to the one-dimensional, underdeveloped characters and plots. There's no love lost when her marriage to Anees breaks down, nor any suspense or anger when Mustafa is unfaithful. They seem to happen quickly, and pass even quicker. Durrani simply skits from one incident to the next.
I give it two stars purely on the basis of Durrani living and surviving an interesting, yet deeply tragic life, and having the courage to speak out as she has.
I give it two stars purely on the basis of Durrani living and surviving an interesting, yet deeply tragic life, and having the courage to speak out as she has.
July 29, 2016
Okay, so first things first: This book, like its author is very real. Its real in the sense that as you keep reading, you eventually fall under its spell, which is perhaps intentional on the Author's part, she does try too hard to justify her actions (and reactions) throughout the book.
You see a timid woman, looking to prove herself to her family, who has a thing for men in power (or powerful men?) And when you eventually warm up to her, (or feel sorry for her), which you do by the time you're halfway through the book, you can't help but think of Tehmina as a person you know; a friend who has made a few mistakes, and really, really, want her to stand up for herself.
There is politics involved, whch shouldn't come as a surprise because she married a politician, afterall. But apart from that, this is a very average, and real story of domestic abuse which not enough people talk about. 4 stars because its gripping. You see a woman transform into a much stronger,more stable person who eventually gets away from all of it. And because what could be better revenge for an abusive, manipulating ex husband than this?
This is a must read!
April 13, 2013
Though her accounts of Mustafa Khar are generally perceived as false accusations (Some say it's too depressing to be true), I rather found it easy to relate to Durrani as a real women. I didn't come across anything in the book that can't be expected from the feudals of Pakistan.
January 2, 2018
A prisoner ultimately settles into a monotonous routine. Anger recedes, senses dull. The spirit is crushed.
February 13, 2021
• r e v i e w •
Sometimes you go in with a lot of expectations but come out with a disappointed heart. My Feudal Lord was exactly that. What intrigued me about it was the involvement of a powerful man, Ghulam Mustafa Khar who was once the Chief Minister and Governor of Punjab and was also Bhutto's dear friend. Tehmina exposes his temper, manipulative tactics, physical and mental abuse and his political journey (to a large extent) for the world to see and it truly frightened me to know that a person can carry such evilness inside him/her. What also pushed me to get a copy of this book was because of William Hoffer, who co-authored my absolute favourite book 'Not Without My Daughter'. Having such strong points, I imagined myself admiring this biography but by the end of it all, I remain confused.
Tehmina Durrani comes from an aristocratic yet dysfunctional family. With an unkind mother and an almost invisible father, she grew up being everyone's least favorite. When she married Anees, a decent young man, she was relieved to have escaped her family home but only to realise that she didn't love her husband. Khar's entry into her life only cemented the fact that he has been the one for her all along. Known as Lion of Punjab, Khar was a womanizer and a Feudal Lord, known for his fierce attitude. Against all warning, she becomes his fifth wife and troubles begin soon after. There's physical abuse followed by severe manipulation, where Khar easily pitted the family members against one another. She hasn't had an easy life but there were instances which were simply absurd for me to understand. It lacked genuineness and this was a concerning factor if found in biographies. There's a lot of politics involved in the book which often made me feel that I was reading Khar's biography instead. The book went around in circles, never seeming to end and I couldn't help but feel if Tehmina was truly really oblivious to many incidences.
I discussed this with @ashgadiyar and was relieved to see that I wasn't the only one to feel this way. Tehmina makes it almost impossible to buy her story and although my heart goes out to her for all that she had to endure, the book somehow seems too much. I would have wanted this to be more about her but all the additional details about Khar's political life only ruined the experience for me. For someone who loves reading biographies and memoirs, this was truly such a letdown.
Rating : 3.4/5.
Sometimes you go in with a lot of expectations but come out with a disappointed heart. My Feudal Lord was exactly that. What intrigued me about it was the involvement of a powerful man, Ghulam Mustafa Khar who was once the Chief Minister and Governor of Punjab and was also Bhutto's dear friend. Tehmina exposes his temper, manipulative tactics, physical and mental abuse and his political journey (to a large extent) for the world to see and it truly frightened me to know that a person can carry such evilness inside him/her. What also pushed me to get a copy of this book was because of William Hoffer, who co-authored my absolute favourite book 'Not Without My Daughter'. Having such strong points, I imagined myself admiring this biography but by the end of it all, I remain confused.
Tehmina Durrani comes from an aristocratic yet dysfunctional family. With an unkind mother and an almost invisible father, she grew up being everyone's least favorite. When she married Anees, a decent young man, she was relieved to have escaped her family home but only to realise that she didn't love her husband. Khar's entry into her life only cemented the fact that he has been the one for her all along. Known as Lion of Punjab, Khar was a womanizer and a Feudal Lord, known for his fierce attitude. Against all warning, she becomes his fifth wife and troubles begin soon after. There's physical abuse followed by severe manipulation, where Khar easily pitted the family members against one another. She hasn't had an easy life but there were instances which were simply absurd for me to understand. It lacked genuineness and this was a concerning factor if found in biographies. There's a lot of politics involved in the book which often made me feel that I was reading Khar's biography instead. The book went around in circles, never seeming to end and I couldn't help but feel if Tehmina was truly really oblivious to many incidences.
I discussed this with @ashgadiyar and was relieved to see that I wasn't the only one to feel this way. Tehmina makes it almost impossible to buy her story and although my heart goes out to her for all that she had to endure, the book somehow seems too much. I would have wanted this to be more about her but all the additional details about Khar's political life only ruined the experience for me. For someone who loves reading biographies and memoirs, this was truly such a letdown.
Rating : 3.4/5.
January 8, 2023
Soo disturbing🏳
May 21, 2014
This book epitomizes what is wrong with the Pakistani "elite", the class of people who run the country with often-ill earned money and power. But that's not a result of any intention by the author, which makes the book itself a terrible read. Hypocrisy, egoism, cruelty, nepotism, immorality, tyranny - these are the themes that dominate this book and its characters, the author included.
Hypocrisy especially stands out in the narrative that Tehmina Durrani wants you to swallow. It seems to be written with a Western audience in mind, to at once demonstrate how chauvinist and cruel the feudal lords can be, and simultaneously how uniquely courageous of a woman she is to have escaped one of the men of this class. She paints her story as somehow representative of Pakistani women, and safely plugs herself into "an oppressed Eastern woman" narrative. Many readers unfamiliar with Pakistan would eat this up.
In fact, Tehmina Durrani is nothing like the "masses of Pakistan" (as she refers to them) that she claims to want to help with her story. Her lifestyle is incredibly opulent, she is well-connected, and spends much of her time doing exactly as she pleases, traveling and interior decorating included. And yet she wants to portray herself as some type of heroic figure to the reader. She clothes herself in the socialist political ideals of her husband but her written word stinks of the classism and entitlement that she could never willingly surrender. In describing how her son Ali is unable to cope with his kidnapping to rural Pakistan, she cites the "dirty village boys" he does not want to play with (Pg. 260). She collects money to help the poor patients of the hospital, but also goes along with her family taking up several wings of the hospital while her mother-in-law is ill. She complains about corruption but is perfectly content to receive extralegal VIP treatment to forego laws upheld by immigration, visas, or courts.
These criticisms are more valid and relevant than the critiques that could easily be made about her character. But understanding her character also has its place. It was physically revolting to read her description of her 15-year-old sister as "the other woman" in her adulterous love triangle. That she could even conceive of her baby sister as a culpable adult speaks to the villainy and egoism of her own twisted personality. Examples like these abound, and though there are moments you want to feel sympathy for her, since she does seem to have faced many psychological traumas, her increasing self-righteousness towards the end of the book confirms that she is nothing greater than a hypocritical self-promoter, like many of her class. Is anyone surprised that she is now married to another "Lion of Punjab", and no less a feudal lord, Shahbaz Sharif?
Hypocrisy especially stands out in the narrative that Tehmina Durrani wants you to swallow. It seems to be written with a Western audience in mind, to at once demonstrate how chauvinist and cruel the feudal lords can be, and simultaneously how uniquely courageous of a woman she is to have escaped one of the men of this class. She paints her story as somehow representative of Pakistani women, and safely plugs herself into "an oppressed Eastern woman" narrative. Many readers unfamiliar with Pakistan would eat this up.
In fact, Tehmina Durrani is nothing like the "masses of Pakistan" (as she refers to them) that she claims to want to help with her story. Her lifestyle is incredibly opulent, she is well-connected, and spends much of her time doing exactly as she pleases, traveling and interior decorating included. And yet she wants to portray herself as some type of heroic figure to the reader. She clothes herself in the socialist political ideals of her husband but her written word stinks of the classism and entitlement that she could never willingly surrender. In describing how her son Ali is unable to cope with his kidnapping to rural Pakistan, she cites the "dirty village boys" he does not want to play with (Pg. 260). She collects money to help the poor patients of the hospital, but also goes along with her family taking up several wings of the hospital while her mother-in-law is ill. She complains about corruption but is perfectly content to receive extralegal VIP treatment to forego laws upheld by immigration, visas, or courts.
These criticisms are more valid and relevant than the critiques that could easily be made about her character. But understanding her character also has its place. It was physically revolting to read her description of her 15-year-old sister as "the other woman" in her adulterous love triangle. That she could even conceive of her baby sister as a culpable adult speaks to the villainy and egoism of her own twisted personality. Examples like these abound, and though there are moments you want to feel sympathy for her, since she does seem to have faced many psychological traumas, her increasing self-righteousness towards the end of the book confirms that she is nothing greater than a hypocritical self-promoter, like many of her class. Is anyone surprised that she is now married to another "Lion of Punjab", and no less a feudal lord, Shahbaz Sharif?
July 28, 2022
Until reading this book, I thought as if my surprise for human race to be so disdainful is reserved for a character like Heathcliff. But, whether the creation of imagination or a patch from reality, if Mustafa Khar is as how this text has analysed him, I am throughly hurt.
The political infidelity, the mere play of words and melodrama are already the sad realities of our country's political situations, but for men that identify with such duplicity, hypocrisy and instability to have rule and power adds to the readers' disappointment.
Just when you realize that it is the last time for Tehmina to compromise on her self-respect and come out of the traps of this dangerous man, Khar plays too low to keep this already confused woman more confused.
The book is a constant ride with Durani leaving and returning to Khar, losing respect for him, and losing it again and again unless he leaves her with nothing, and Durani blaming the slightest inconvenience in any phase of her life on her mother. And never coming out of the trauma her mother left her with. Had she come out of that trauma and committed to peace within herself, as well as forgiven her, she would not really had to suffer the bitterness at the hands of such a guy.
As much as I feel sorry for Tehmina, I am angry at her for being too quick to leave Anees but not leaving Khar earlier. But then again, we cannot truly understand people unless we are in their shoes.
The political infidelity, the mere play of words and melodrama are already the sad realities of our country's political situations, but for men that identify with such duplicity, hypocrisy and instability to have rule and power adds to the readers' disappointment.
Just when you realize that it is the last time for Tehmina to compromise on her self-respect and come out of the traps of this dangerous man, Khar plays too low to keep this already confused woman more confused.
The book is a constant ride with Durani leaving and returning to Khar, losing respect for him, and losing it again and again unless he leaves her with nothing, and Durani blaming the slightest inconvenience in any phase of her life on her mother. And never coming out of the trauma her mother left her with. Had she come out of that trauma and committed to peace within herself, as well as forgiven her, she would not really had to suffer the bitterness at the hands of such a guy.
As much as I feel sorry for Tehmina, I am angry at her for being too quick to leave Anees but not leaving Khar earlier. But then again, we cannot truly understand people unless we are in their shoes.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 17, 2019
ایک اور شدت بھری داستان جبر جو کسی بھی درد دل رکھنے والے انسان کو لرزاں کر دے-
ماں نے بیٹی سے بے اعتناعی برتی جو تا عمر کی نفرت حتی کہ جذبہ انتقام تک میں بدل گئ -
بہن نے بہن کا گھر توڑا، اس کے شوہر کے ساتھ سوتی رہی -
شوہر نے تواتر ذدو کوب اور صعوبتوں کے پہاڑ ڈھا دیے - ذہنی، جسمی اور جذباتی استحصال کیا -
یہ ڈٹی رہی- جمی رہی- لڑی - قربان ہوئ -
نسبتوں، رشتوں اور عزتوں کی امین بن کر -
اور پھر
بولی، چنگھاڑی
ہر ہر ظلم اور ظالم کو ننگا کر دیا -
ہوس، شہرت، طاقت کے بے لگام گھوڑوں کو نتھ ڈال دی -
کہا
بس -
خامشی اب نہیں -
سنو میرا سچ -
میرے جیسے سبوں کا سچ -
انسانی پستگی کی کہانی -
دیکھو ہم یہ بھی ہیں ----
March 31, 2021
I need to post a detailed revieww. Will do probably after my mid terms!
July 29, 2023
My Feudal Lord is a engrossing book that tells a fascinating story about life of a women in a feudal society and what terrific challenges they had to go through, a must read!!
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