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The Origins of You: How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love
NATIONAL BESTSELLER
From licensed therapist and popular Instagram relationship expert Vienna Pharaon (@mindfulmft, +683K followers) comes a profound guide to understanding and overcoming wounds from your Family of Origin—the foundation of how we relate to others, ourselves, and the world around us.
None of us had a perfect childhood; we are all carrying around behaviors that don’t serve us—and may in fact be hurting us. But it doesn’t have to be that way, says licensed marriage and family therapist Vienna Pharaon. Our past might create our patterns, but we can change those patterns for the better...with the right tools.
In The Origins of You , Pharaon has unlocked a healing process to help us understand our Family of Origin—the family and framework we grew up within—and examine what worked (and didn’t) in that system. Unhealed pain (or “wounds”) in that Family of Origin will manifest in our adult behaviors in surprising ways, from work challenges to interpersonal struggles. But the good armed with the knowledge about our past, we can actually rewire our programming to meaningfully improve our relationships and our lives, right now and in the future.
It doesn’t matter whether you’ve been in therapy for decades, or whether therapy isn’t for you. It doesn’t matter if you had a great childhood, or a terrible one. You can create change and resolve things from the past that need your attention. Complete with guided introspection, personal experiences, client stories, frameworks for having difficult conversations, and worksheets to complement each chapter, The Origins of You will teach you how to break family patterns and help you liberate the way you live and love.
From licensed therapist and popular Instagram relationship expert Vienna Pharaon (@mindfulmft, +683K followers) comes a profound guide to understanding and overcoming wounds from your Family of Origin—the foundation of how we relate to others, ourselves, and the world around us.
None of us had a perfect childhood; we are all carrying around behaviors that don’t serve us—and may in fact be hurting us. But it doesn’t have to be that way, says licensed marriage and family therapist Vienna Pharaon. Our past might create our patterns, but we can change those patterns for the better...with the right tools.
In The Origins of You , Pharaon has unlocked a healing process to help us understand our Family of Origin—the family and framework we grew up within—and examine what worked (and didn’t) in that system. Unhealed pain (or “wounds”) in that Family of Origin will manifest in our adult behaviors in surprising ways, from work challenges to interpersonal struggles. But the good armed with the knowledge about our past, we can actually rewire our programming to meaningfully improve our relationships and our lives, right now and in the future.
It doesn’t matter whether you’ve been in therapy for decades, or whether therapy isn’t for you. It doesn’t matter if you had a great childhood, or a terrible one. You can create change and resolve things from the past that need your attention. Complete with guided introspection, personal experiences, client stories, frameworks for having difficult conversations, and worksheets to complement each chapter, The Origins of You will teach you how to break family patterns and help you liberate the way you live and love.
304 pages, Hardcover
Published February 21, 2023
1240 people are currently reading
11860 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 306 reviews
July 12, 2023
Read it once and starting it over again cause it was so good. This book coupled with the current therapy I attend....wow. It gave me a lot of lightbulb moments and clarity to step back and observe myself (and others) from a different lens. Learning and being able to be self-aware in a productive way is difficult and scary but liberating and calming at the same time, and this book helped me unlock another tool to use to help find myself and live as me.
February 24, 2025
This is decades of therapy compressed into 300ish pages. I felt like she was talking about my wounds in almost every chapter. I could definitely trace back a lot of my present into my past using Pharaon's guidance. But because it truly is decades of therapy compressed into 11 chapters, it went really fast. I feel like this read was a cursory first pass and that I need to come back to this book over and over again until I've worked out and untangled enough of my past to be a more coherent and mature adult.
I'm retiring in a month and then moving overseas to a country where really good therapy is going to be hard to find. This book will end up being my therapist until I can. A book can only take me so far, but I'll have the time to do a lot of self-reflection given I'll soon free up the 50-60 hours a week that were previously dedicated to my job.
I see a lot of work to be done in part two where I identify my wounds and even more work to be done in part three which challenges me to change my relationship behaviors in terms of conflict, communication, and boundaries - all areas I know are very hard for me. It's so much easier for me to be a hermit. I'm actually quite good at it and happy when I do. But I recognize it's impractical and that I have a lot of family and friends I'm obligated to if I want to keep them as active family and friends in my life. I'm also bound to make new friends after I move. Making friends is really easy for me. Keeping them and growing them is also pretty easy for me. But when sails stop being smooth - well, I tend to fumble the ball a lot, and my recovery often lacks elegance. And this is where I hope to improve a lot and where I think this book can really help me. Maybe it can help you too.
I'm retiring in a month and then moving overseas to a country where really good therapy is going to be hard to find. This book will end up being my therapist until I can. A book can only take me so far, but I'll have the time to do a lot of self-reflection given I'll soon free up the 50-60 hours a week that were previously dedicated to my job.
I see a lot of work to be done in part two where I identify my wounds and even more work to be done in part three which challenges me to change my relationship behaviors in terms of conflict, communication, and boundaries - all areas I know are very hard for me. It's so much easier for me to be a hermit. I'm actually quite good at it and happy when I do. But I recognize it's impractical and that I have a lot of family and friends I'm obligated to if I want to keep them as active family and friends in my life. I'm also bound to make new friends after I move. Making friends is really easy for me. Keeping them and growing them is also pretty easy for me. But when sails stop being smooth - well, I tend to fumble the ball a lot, and my recovery often lacks elegance. And this is where I hope to improve a lot and where I think this book can really help me. Maybe it can help you too.
February 26, 2024
I am a hugeee mindfulmft fan on instagram so I had high hopes for this book. It 100% lived up to my expectations. Vienna is such a wise person and therapist, and having her narrate the audiobook really added a layer to this that I loved. I gained so much insight both as an individual and as a therapist. Already bringing some of her language/examples/practices into my clinical work, but I think this will be transformative for myself in relationship too. This is one that I want to buy a physical copy of so I can return to it over and over. Can't recommend enough
March 24, 2023
Read this book after following author on IG for the last few years. This book is a beautiful space to gain deeper understanding of yourself and anyone you encounter. If you are human you should read this book! Unpacking topics that we all deal with in life with understanding and empathy is Vienna’s gift. I will definitely reference several parts of this book again. I listened to the audiobook and Vienna was a great narrator and teacher.
July 9, 2025
irytująca
July 4, 2024
3.75 ⭐️
Pros:
A great introduction for someone who is needing directions on how to start facing experiences and emotions that are holding them back and/or damaging their relationships.
You can tell that the author wrote this book with a lot of care and genuine compassion.
Provides a lot of great small exercises to help.
This is 100% a self-help book.
Cons:
Doesn’t really cover attachment theory until halfway through the book and most topics kind of dance around that.
Very generalized information and some assumptions
A bit repetitive.
Pros:
A great introduction for someone who is needing directions on how to start facing experiences and emotions that are holding them back and/or damaging their relationships.
You can tell that the author wrote this book with a lot of care and genuine compassion.
Provides a lot of great small exercises to help.
This is 100% a self-help book.
Cons:
Doesn’t really cover attachment theory until halfway through the book and most topics kind of dance around that.
Very generalized information and some assumptions
A bit repetitive.
August 2, 2024
I get the sort of conversational vibe the author was going for, but it was over the top for me. I don't need to read things like "eye roll central" or see "whew" or "oof" a dozen times in a book about generational traumas. That being said, I did enjoy the content greatly. I felt very at peace reading it. This paragraph has stuck with me-
"When you make mistakes, when you let people down and disappoint them, when you hurt others, taking accountability and ownership is one of the most loving things you offer not only others but yourself. When you avoid it, you are telling yourself that your worthiness, belonging, prioritization, safety, and trust are still tied to your perfection. When you avoid it, you teach yourself that there's no room to be both human and loved."
"When you make mistakes, when you let people down and disappoint them, when you hurt others, taking accountability and ownership is one of the most loving things you offer not only others but yourself. When you avoid it, you are telling yourself that your worthiness, belonging, prioritization, safety, and trust are still tied to your perfection. When you avoid it, you teach yourself that there's no room to be both human and loved."
December 13, 2024
DNF. Let me begin by saying I am a parent. This book insists that *everyone* has origin wounds, you just have to figure out which one you have. At one point in the book, it says that this isn’t a witch hunt to blame your parents, and that there are other places that origin wounds can come from. But then on every other page it tells you that your parents have left you with an indelible wound.
I believe that all parents are damaged sinners, and that there are generational patterns of sin in every family. I believe that there are genetic predispositions to certain sins, just as there are to certain diseases and mental illnesses. And yet, I recoil at the idea that it is impossible for me to raise kids without leaving them with origin wounds, and that one day they will be able to trace all their dysfunctions back to me or their father. Nor do I think it is fair to blame all my failures as a parent on my own parents.
Do our families form us? Yes. Do many, many people have origin wounds that they should work through in order to grow past them? Yes. And yet…
Life is really hard, a lot of the time. Growing up is hard. Raising kids is hard. We live in a fallen world. We don’t understand ourselves very well. And yet… we are not simply a product of the home we grew up in. There’s a lot more to it. There is personality, culture, circumstance, school, community. I am a Christian, so I believe there is the work of the Holy Spirit.
I came to this book looking for something in the vein of Bowen family systems theory. I wanted to find a book that helps us identify and disrupt harmful patterns in our families, but with an emphasis on personal agency and pursuit of maturity. This book talks about family systems but frames everything with the idea that you are a victim. Everyone identify your origin wound! Embrace your victimhood! After you identify your victimhood, you will need to return to it over and over during the course of your lifetime! Yuck.
Instead of healing my inner child, I’m going to keep working to grow myself up (as Jenny Brown puts it). And more specifically, to grow myself up in the Lord. A good measure for which approach is better is to look at which will benefit my own children more. If we believe that wounding our children for life is inevitable, and that our weaknesses are simply the product of our own damaged parents, that can only weaken our confidence and maturity as parents. And that is the last thing we need.
PS: any book that contains the sentence “you have to feel your feels, my friend” is just not for me.
I believe that all parents are damaged sinners, and that there are generational patterns of sin in every family. I believe that there are genetic predispositions to certain sins, just as there are to certain diseases and mental illnesses. And yet, I recoil at the idea that it is impossible for me to raise kids without leaving them with origin wounds, and that one day they will be able to trace all their dysfunctions back to me or their father. Nor do I think it is fair to blame all my failures as a parent on my own parents.
Do our families form us? Yes. Do many, many people have origin wounds that they should work through in order to grow past them? Yes. And yet…
Life is really hard, a lot of the time. Growing up is hard. Raising kids is hard. We live in a fallen world. We don’t understand ourselves very well. And yet… we are not simply a product of the home we grew up in. There’s a lot more to it. There is personality, culture, circumstance, school, community. I am a Christian, so I believe there is the work of the Holy Spirit.
I came to this book looking for something in the vein of Bowen family systems theory. I wanted to find a book that helps us identify and disrupt harmful patterns in our families, but with an emphasis on personal agency and pursuit of maturity. This book talks about family systems but frames everything with the idea that you are a victim. Everyone identify your origin wound! Embrace your victimhood! After you identify your victimhood, you will need to return to it over and over during the course of your lifetime! Yuck.
Instead of healing my inner child, I’m going to keep working to grow myself up (as Jenny Brown puts it). And more specifically, to grow myself up in the Lord. A good measure for which approach is better is to look at which will benefit my own children more. If we believe that wounding our children for life is inevitable, and that our weaknesses are simply the product of our own damaged parents, that can only weaken our confidence and maturity as parents. And that is the last thing we need.
PS: any book that contains the sentence “you have to feel your feels, my friend” is just not for me.
May 11, 2023
This is a fantastic book and a must-read for anyone who had a messed up childhood. I’m a recovering addict and alcoholic who was also the child of an alcoholic mother (she’s sober 17 years now), and something I’ve learned through my 10 years of sobriety and personal work is how much of our adulthood challenges stem from childhood. There are some awful books on this topic, but Pharaon killed it with this book, and it’s one of the better ones I’ve read.
If you struggle with your relationships, whether they’re romantic relationships, friendships, or work relationships, this most likely has to do with some stuff you went through when you were younger. Pharaon does a great job explaining how we develop trust issues or are quick to anger or have other problems as a result of experiences we had growing up.
There are a ton of great tools in this book and mindfulness practices, but the author also does a great job recommending the reader go to therapy for some more in-depth work as well. If I had to add one criticism of the book, it’s purely subjective, and it’s that there were a little too many anecdotes for my liking, but many people like that stuff. I’m just a research nerd. Overall, I absolutely loved this book and hope a ton of people read it.
If you struggle with your relationships, whether they’re romantic relationships, friendships, or work relationships, this most likely has to do with some stuff you went through when you were younger. Pharaon does a great job explaining how we develop trust issues or are quick to anger or have other problems as a result of experiences we had growing up.
There are a ton of great tools in this book and mindfulness practices, but the author also does a great job recommending the reader go to therapy for some more in-depth work as well. If I had to add one criticism of the book, it’s purely subjective, and it’s that there were a little too many anecdotes for my liking, but many people like that stuff. I’m just a research nerd. Overall, I absolutely loved this book and hope a ton of people read it.
April 11, 2023
There are so many different modes of therapy and psychological theory, but there is something undeniable and factual about how our family systems wire us. Learning the language of Origin Wounds gave me an insightful new perspective on myself; it helped me to connect the dots in an intriguing, self-compassionate, sometimes painful, but ultimately revolutionary way. I don’t have it all figured out after reading this book, but I have new tools, strategies, and thought-provoking questions to ask myself that bring me closer to the more healed person and parent I aspire to be.
May 16, 2024
jakie swietne
February 17, 2024
listened, picked it up to help for work but also really enjoyed it and helped a lot for myself, want to buy hard copy and tear through with a highlighter!!
December 19, 2024
This has been one of the most self-informative books I have ever read. Every chapter blew my mind—so much so that I had to take it in doses over a longer period of time than I usually do with a book. I needed time to process the new information I learned about myself, my wounds, my traumas, my insecurities, how they affect my life today, and how to work toward healing them. This book is the epitome of “this explains EVERYTHING.” I want to give a copy to everyone I’ve ever met.
No matter how much goodness exists in our past, there were moments and circumstances—whether obvious or subtle—that left us wounded. These wounds continue to affect us in our lives today, acting as the true underlying sources of our habits, reactions, anxieties, fears, and other struggles—the symptoms of our unhealed wounds.
This book does not seek to place blame on others for these wounds. Those who raised us did the best they could with what they had and what they knew at the time, as did our friends and partners. We ALL carry wounds. This book helps us identify where those wounds originated, empowering us to heal in ways we may have never considered before.
I thought I had worked through many of my wounds—the obvious and traumatic ones, at least. But the clarity, context, understanding, and epiphanies this book has given me about myself, my past, and how to move forward in my present and future are remarkable. I believe EVERYONE can benefit from reading this book.
No matter how much goodness exists in our past, there were moments and circumstances—whether obvious or subtle—that left us wounded. These wounds continue to affect us in our lives today, acting as the true underlying sources of our habits, reactions, anxieties, fears, and other struggles—the symptoms of our unhealed wounds.
This book does not seek to place blame on others for these wounds. Those who raised us did the best they could with what they had and what they knew at the time, as did our friends and partners. We ALL carry wounds. This book helps us identify where those wounds originated, empowering us to heal in ways we may have never considered before.
I thought I had worked through many of my wounds—the obvious and traumatic ones, at least. But the clarity, context, understanding, and epiphanies this book has given me about myself, my past, and how to move forward in my present and future are remarkable. I believe EVERYONE can benefit from reading this book.
November 15, 2023
The Origins of You by Vienna Pharaon
⭐️⭐️⭐️💫 (3.5/5)
Genre: Self-Help
About 270 pages
The Origins of You tackles the way the “wounds” we have acquired throughout our lives influence the way we behave in the present day. Whether from childhood, early adulthood, etc., we all have wounds. The severity may differ, but everyone has one. What type of wound you have influences the patterns you see in your current life and your relationships with those around you. Vienna Pharaon uses this book to help readers identify their wounds, acknowledge them, heal them, and teach them how to use that knowledge to change their lives in a positive manner going forward.
Vienna was on one of my weekly podcasts recently (@girlsgottaeat) talking about her book, and the discussion they had intrigued me, so I picked up the book. The Origins of You forced me to look at my past and my current patterns, and do some self-reflection on areas of myself I can improve and what is driving the choices I make, the way I interact with others, etc. This book is full of great information, and I found myself taking lots of notes and highlighting a ton of content. However, I did find myself skimming towards the end as it started to feel a little repetitive, so I wish some sections had been more concise. Additionally, Vienna uses patient stories to illustrate the concepts which is helpful, however, there were so many patients that were mentioned in one chapter of the book but then not brought up again until much later which made it hard to remember what their story was at times.
My favorite quotes were longer passages but Insta has a character limit so here is a shorter fav…. “Our wounds and our gifts are next-door neighbors.”What a beautiful reminder that some of our greatest gifts do emerge from the pain we’ve endured.”
⭐️⭐️⭐️💫 (3.5/5)
Genre: Self-Help
About 270 pages
The Origins of You tackles the way the “wounds” we have acquired throughout our lives influence the way we behave in the present day. Whether from childhood, early adulthood, etc., we all have wounds. The severity may differ, but everyone has one. What type of wound you have influences the patterns you see in your current life and your relationships with those around you. Vienna Pharaon uses this book to help readers identify their wounds, acknowledge them, heal them, and teach them how to use that knowledge to change their lives in a positive manner going forward.
Vienna was on one of my weekly podcasts recently (@girlsgottaeat) talking about her book, and the discussion they had intrigued me, so I picked up the book. The Origins of You forced me to look at my past and my current patterns, and do some self-reflection on areas of myself I can improve and what is driving the choices I make, the way I interact with others, etc. This book is full of great information, and I found myself taking lots of notes and highlighting a ton of content. However, I did find myself skimming towards the end as it started to feel a little repetitive, so I wish some sections had been more concise. Additionally, Vienna uses patient stories to illustrate the concepts which is helpful, however, there were so many patients that were mentioned in one chapter of the book but then not brought up again until much later which made it hard to remember what their story was at times.
My favorite quotes were longer passages but Insta has a character limit so here is a shorter fav…. “Our wounds and our gifts are next-door neighbors.”What a beautiful reminder that some of our greatest gifts do emerge from the pain we’ve endured.”
March 6, 2023
This book was everything that I didn’t fully realize I needed, yet I likely wouldn’t have learned about it if it hadn’t been featured on Good Morning America. Totally relatable—both through the author’s personal self-reflections and her inclusion of stories from her professional practice—yet honest and extremely adept at getting to the heart of the matter. Highly effective at helping me to see myself and others more clearly through the lens of our origin stories and their impact, and in helping me to solidly identify ways that I can disrupt and end the patterns of my own behavior that leave me less than thrilled, as well as hold space for others during times of conflict. I just can’t say enough positives about this book—it helped me to connect to root cause issues that I didn’t even realize were there. Super excited for the personal growth & healing journey that it has sparked!
May 19, 2023
Pharaon provides some useful techniques to disrupt one’s dysfunctional conflict patterns. Overall, though, the book was a bit too "spiritual" and self-helpy for me. I’d prefer a more deeply researched and argued guide rather than dozens of instances of “I’m proud of you” and “oof” (Pharaon apologizes at one point for using a professional term!). The origin wound theory is at first glance plausible but reeks of Freudian simplicity—great as a shorthand, probably insufficient to do justice to each individual’s situational and experiential messiness.
September 18, 2023
Geepers, you might want to clear the old schedule while you’re reading this. It’ll probs dredge up some shit. But if an arrow straight to the heart wounds is what you’re seeking, then I highly recommend. It’s real good.
January 17, 2024
I feel like I need to buy a copy of this book for everyone I know. There’s so much good to unpack here. An absolute must-have tool in the process of growing up and reparenting yourself.
June 15, 2025
Well organized with plenty of therapeutic exercises that can be worked through outside of reading. Was a good “refresh” for me on Internal Family Systems and how patterns/cycles pass on through generations and can impact our behavior into early adulthood and beyond. There was a lot of care put into the words on these pages!
April 22, 2024
robię jeszcze ćwiczenia do tej książki, więc nie jestem pewna, czy będą one na tyle pomocne, na ile się wydaja, ale po samej treści uwazam, że książka jest świetna i wiele rzeczy może rozjaśnić w głowie; nie odczułam w niej pretensjonalności i negacji chrześcijaństwa, które niektórzy jej zarzucaja
April 26, 2024
I absolutely LOVED this book. I learned so much from the family systems look at things. Highly recommend for anyone who wants to understand themselves better, heal trauma, or just learn about how our pasts affect our present.
April 25, 2025
My therapist suggested this book as a refresher on stuff we’ve worked on over the years, and it was such a good read. A lot of it felt familiar in the best way, but there were also new takeaways that helped me dig a little deeper. I felt seen in so many of the stories. Honestly, I think everyone could get something out of this one
June 16, 2025
I really like family systems theory. It’s a great theory about how our early life experiences can shape who we are today.
February 7, 2025
Me: I’m going to try to read fewer self-help/psychology books this year.
Also me: Can’t stop, won’t stop! They’re so gooooood! And I want to know everything about how to understand the folks in my life so I can best support them!
Also me: Can’t stop, won’t stop! They’re so gooooood! And I want to know everything about how to understand the folks in my life so I can best support them!
May 3, 2025
4.5 stars
May 26, 2024
Nie bardzo wiem, jak tą pozycję ocenić, bo to, czy jest wartościowa każdy musi ocenić sam. Ja też nie podeszłam do tego, jak do czegoś, co miałoby mi pomóc, nie szukałam autoterapii, choć podejrzewam, że gdybym zaczęła robić te ćwiczenia, wyszłoby mi to raczej na plus. Dobrze się słuchało, nie czułam się moralizowana, ani żeby ktoś narzucał mi swoje poglądy, raczej jest to pozycja bardzo uniwersalna, w którą przyjemnie jest się wgryźć i przy której samemu chce się pogłębić temat, a to jak najbardziej na plus. Jeśli kiedyś będę potrzebować - na pewno wrócę.
August 23, 2024
Dare I say earth shattering
June 18, 2025
Everyone should read this book, and then read it again… super powerful work and wisdom in this one!
December 31, 2024
I loved this book. I'm probably going to buy it. Very honest without being hokey.
April 8, 2024
Classification and framing can be so powerful, and the framework that Pharaon uses to help us understand the different kinds of trauma wounds there are (worthiness, belonging, prioritization, trust & safety), how they might happen, what might trigger them, how we might respond, and then specific questions to reverse that process in order to understand and then change our behavior is really nothing short of brilliant. As someone who has spent a lot of time trying to figure out my shit, this book helped me have some real aha-moments. And I actually feel like I’m just beginning to scratch the surface—like many other reviewers, I plan to buy a hard copy and go through it slowly and probably along with my therapist. The tools she gives here are so valuable.
Also side note—I really enjoyed her narration, I loved her added sighs and oophs and inflections, it made her sound so genuine and heartfelt.
"Our complaints can be endless, but our emotional needs are pretty much always the same. They tie right back to our wounds--and if you think about what you complain about and translate it into emotional needs, those needs will likely emphasize worthiness, belonging, prioritization, safety or trust."
Also side note—I really enjoyed her narration, I loved her added sighs and oophs and inflections, it made her sound so genuine and heartfelt.
"Our complaints can be endless, but our emotional needs are pretty much always the same. They tie right back to our wounds--and if you think about what you complain about and translate it into emotional needs, those needs will likely emphasize worthiness, belonging, prioritization, safety or trust."
Displaying 1 - 30 of 306 reviews