(Barely)
"I'm not cuckoo for Dicksharks!"
Ok. I think it's time to admit defeat here. I am breaking up with Dickshark. I have tried time and time again to love this film. Some day a good movie named Dickshark will be made and we can all forget about the wretched existence of this stinky putrid movie. Maybe I'm meant to create that movie? Is that why I have seen Dickshark six bonking times now?
I'm not trying to be too mean here. I followed the Kickstarter of this thing and even Bill himself admitted that this cut was insane and deranged and should not really be, but there was a demand for it. And I contributed to that. So I'm very, very sorry.
I think 3 hour Dickshark was already asking way too much of any audience. It's a good 90 minute movie, but the problem is that Bill doesn't seem to understand which parts of his movies are good. Every subsequent edit I've seen has removed all of the humor in favor of naked women. Now I blankly love seeing a naked lady as much as anyone else, but come on man... when you so proudly proclaim on the back of your DVD that "NO this is not p-rn. P-rn does not look like this. If you equate nudity with pornography then you are immature." then you're gonna have to give me a reason why anyone would watch 20+ minutes of slow motion close-up p-ssy shots unless they wanted to tack off to it. I'm sorry I'm just not buying it!
I've said more than any normal person would say about a movie like this and I already anticipate the comments here:
"AGAIN?!"
"STOP LOGGING DICKSHARK!"
"IM SO TIRED OF SEEING YOU WATCH THIS EVERY WEEK!!!"
Look I understand but I just went through hours of mental torment and you are going to hear about it ok!
As expected, in stretching this out to an impossible 7 hours, the majority of the film is comprised of the slow motion nudity bits set to Bill's favorite metal songs. Some of the dialogue scenes are also extended but they're mainly bloopers or bad takes - this, to be fair, is kind of cute. It could certainly be the brain rot this inflicted on me but I did laugh many times. Except none of that matters because for every time I laughed, I wanted to cry, vomit, piss, and stab myself five times over during the duration of this.
I mean there was physical PAIN. My brain was sizzling inside of my skull. It is currently burnt n crispy.
The last 15 minutes are just nature videos. Not related to dicks or sharks or dicksharks or even naked women. Just waterfalls and birds flying around. Goodness.
I honestly have nothing else to say but I think this thing should be studied and maybe used as a torture device.
