Imagine with me for a moment a movie that fails to fully captivate you because it does absolutely nothing particularly well, yet also doesn't do anything quite so poorly that you would feel deeply compelled to stop watching it. Quite the predicament. Quite the predicament indeed!
There is not a snowball's chance in hell that you could convince me that 12 of the greatest indie developers of our time crafted the tales comprising this disaster project. Perhaps harsh, but I can assure you that this anthology is ultimately an absolutely terrible piece of garbage, but I'm sure that at least 3% of all people who lay eyes on this dumpster fire will greatly appreciate it for what it is.
That said, I DID manage to sit through the whole thing. . . It's like it was so bad that I couldn't look away. . . .perhaps I'm part of that 3% - a concerning thought.
Welp, let's dive in.
Hailing from the far North, our host for this festive anthology is none other than the original gangsta himself, Santa Claus! This iteration of Santa is a total G, frequently forgoing his role as host in favor of oral pleasure, lap dances, booze, and naps. But Santa's already atrocious scripting and dismal acting do somehow manage to get even worse as the movie trudges along - there are literally transitional segments laced with incoherent ramblings that have nothing to do with what came before them, nor what comes after them, and provide no significant stimulation. You could actually remove the host without detriment to the film, or, perhaps, it might even be an enhancement.
On the whole, the production value isn't terrible. At the same time though, the lighting is just absolutely horrible in many cases, which, especially when paired with the gritty texture of the film, can create an extremely dimly lit, low-res image. Yep! There are times where you just absolutely cannot see s**t.
The weak point is the directing and writing. The stories - incredibly unimaginative - themselves don't actually change much in tonality. Nearly all of them feature some variation of manslaughter containing one or more of these components: Violence, Gore, Vulgarity, Crude Humor, and/or Sexual Explicitation (not a real word) - it's like a Build-a-Frankenbear for low-grade narratives - relying on them in order to bypass proper story-telling in favor of shock value. As a result, most of the stories leave much to be desired.
The short lengths of most of the vignettes is actually a major boon. Since roughly 87% of the stories conveyed are either really weak and disengaging, or completely absent of a recognizable and coherent story altogether, the shorter lengths mean that we don't have to suffer through them for very long. To be fair, some of the shorter ones actually present decent ideas. They just also choose not to build upon nor embellish their stories at all - a regular blink-and-you'll-miss-it. Not to mention that, while most stories are gory and similar to one another, almost none of them really utilize the mechanics of true horror. The repetition of theme and tonality removes suspense, and all horror only works well when it builds suspense, holds that tension, and then delivers the goods.
A bad Pun: But there are a few treats hidden amongst the coal:
One of the strongest entries is titled "(S)aint Nick." For what it's worth, the production and direction of this story are of the highest caliber that this film has to offer. It may be the only entry where the crudeness and vulgarity fit into the narrative rather than replace the narrative. That said, there is a cohesive story that is actually relatively disturbing for both the right and wrong reasons - a case study in proper indie barbarism, to say the least.
However, what is perhaps the strongest entry, "Dead Winter Days" is a very compelling story that receives the same great treatment as "(S)aint Nick," AND it lacks all of the components that make the other entries in this anthology so impotent. I believe it may be the only story that doesn't revolve around manslaughter of some kind, and that might actually be why it appears to be so much stronger of a story - it's simply new territory.
An honorable mention would be "Bad Karma Santa." The glaring flaw with this one is how it loses traction with the ending. Otherwise, it actually tells a relatively simple story without relying solely on shock factor.
The weakest entry, which I've titled "Merry Christmas, My Dear" - because they couldn't be bothered to give it a title - is completely devoid of any sort of direction. At the end of it, I couldn't figure out what was happening, why it was happening, or why I should care about it in the first place. I'm quite certain that they needed a 12th vignette for one reason or another, and so they glanced at their bookshelf, and noticed a copy of The Most Dangerous Game standing up next to Alice in Wonderland and thought, "that's it!"
Altogether, we are treated to 12 tales and a frame story that offer varying degrees of "why the hell am I (still) watching this?"
Below are brief Plot Summaries:
The Uncommon Mr. Good:
Two lovers eagerly discuss their plans for a small Christmas get-together.
6 Shooter:
A young couple's love-making session gets put on pause when they hear someone fumbling around in their living room.
Bad Karma Santa:
Struggling to handle the guilt of what he has done, a Santa impersonator begins suffering from hallucinations and delusions.
The Christmas Witch:
While home alone, an attractive young woman begins hearing cackling and snickering emanating from her basement.
Jingle Hell:
A claymation tale featuring a man at the end of his rope.
(S)aint Nick:
A deadbeat, abusive drunkard living off of his wife's inheritance gets his comeuppance when he tries to squash his kids' belief in Santa.
The Naughty List:
After discovering that she's on the naughty list, a woman tries to defend herself from the looming threat of a sinister entity.
Bad Tidings:
A group of carolers perform for an elderly couple.
Merry Christmas, My Dears:
Participants gather to hunt the most dangerous game. . . .and then the not so dangerous game.
Boxing Day:
A man keeps capturing footage of a spirit on his camera.
The Night Before Christmas:
A man receives in the mail, evidence of his affair.
Dead Winter Days:
Spirits converge upon a man who can't seem to let go of his troubled past.
