Time Barbarians

In TIME BARBARIANS, the warriors of a forgotten age roam the land. Doran (Deron McBee) and Lystra (Joann Ayers), spend their time having deep discussions, while sporting mysteriously clean bodies and perfect hair.

Their village is an idyllic wonderland of peace, harmony, and really fun bath time.

Unfortunately, a nearby meanie pants known as Mandrak (Daniel Martine) has decided to ruin the placid loveliness of it all. He and his odious ogres attack the topless women unawares, causing havoc and despair.

With the women crushed, and their secret amulet stolen, Doran and Lystra set out for revenge. Many pitifully-choreographed sword battles are staged, while Doran's enormous mane remains stellar!

Enter the Wizard (Ingrid Vold). She wants her amulet back, dammit! She even arrives in a cool fog bank! Her pouty face knows no equal! Annd, she gives Doran a magic sword! Annnnd, he's transported into the far-flung future for one silly fight scene after another!

Who cares if this whole movie is sluggish and daft? It's CONAN meets THE TERMINATOR meets HIGHLANDER, as Doran arrives just in time to fight street thugs and save reporter, Penny Price (Ayers). Can Doran find Mandrak and retrieve the amulet before the Wizard gets overly testy?

Lovers of this sort of movie will probably be in ecstacy. All others will feel their brains unravel in their skulls...