In SAMURAI COP, Asian gang members start yelling at each other, right away! One of them, named Yamashita (Robert Z'Dar), begins killing other gangsters, apparently due to his awesomely enormous beard.
Enter police officer Joe Marshall (Matt Hannon), who starts off wearing my mom's old 1970's wig, before miraculously sprouting hair of his own! A cocaine deal "goes down", leading to a chase, with the cops driving the MYSTERY MACHINE from Scooby Doo! Bad guys are slaughtered like the nameless extras they are, followed by imitation sex between Marshall and his cop / Barbie girlfriend.
Meanwhile, the Asian gangsters scream at each other again, making Yamashita appear sedate by contrast. Marshall and his partner, Frank Washington (Mark Frazer) question a bloody guy in a sheet, while near-mannequins chatter mindless dialogue. Yamashita executes sheet man. Can Marshall catch Yamashita, before the streets run reddish with dayglo blood?
More dimwit dialogue is spoken by semi-sentient fungi posing as "actors", while Hannon teeters between his hippie-haired, toilet cleaner-snorting, Clint Westwood persona, and his goggle-eyed, Rambo / hamster with rotting of the brain. Oh yeah, and does he ever score with the ladies!
The "action" in this bust-a-gut symphony of ineptitude is a schlock addicts dream! Every scene is a priceless, irredeemable collection of nonsense! Not even the full frontal, female nudity can detract or distract from the beautiful, cluster-galaxy of rubbish unfolding before us!
Every fight scene is a ballet of buffoonery! Parts that are supposed to induce tension, only produce uncontrollable laugh spasms! The all-too-frequent sex scenes are like watching trees rubbing against each other in a heavy wind!
Thankfully, Marshall's wig returns, becoming a sort of character in itself. Actually the wig, in addition to being the best actor in the film, adds suspense, since we never know just when it might show up next! The Yamashita beard is a close second, taking our attention away from the boom mic shadow, during a crucial scene. The finale pits the wig against the beard, in a knock down, drag out, sword-swinging grimace fest, featuring wet sandbag punches and more grunting than at a corporate pig farm!
Yes! This is cinema!...
