"If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time." Disney's Beauty and the Beast
After the Twilight Series, I am Number Four, and now Beastly, I'm not sure I ever want to take that Hot Tub Time Machine back to those love-weary days. I mean, are these kids getting any love these days, or is their passion filtering through cell phones as their fingers do the walking rather than the stroking? Beastly once again shows teen longing relieved by the workings of magic, not old-fashioned getting-to-know you stuff their grandparents labored through.
Kyle (Alex Pettyfer straight from his boring turn as a hunk with little affect in I am Number Four) learns from his distant dad that looks are what count in life. As he imputes this "aggressively-unattractive" characterization to Goth Kendra (Mary-Kate Olsen), she condemns him to being all he hates, largely ugly, until someone says "I love you" to him.
Beauty waiting to be rescued, Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens), falls into the protective custody of now ugly Beast, Hunter (Kyle). And there you have Beauty and the Beast revived for 2011 teens. Dramatically the audience can anticipate every outcome, not just because of the adapted classic's well-worn story, but because the dialogue is pedestrian enough to telescope it all anyway.
The blind tutor, Will (Neil Patrick Harris), has some wry commentary, suited to the off-beat characters Harris usually plays, that saves this adolescent sentimental claptrap from my damnation. I get it that beauty is from within; I just don't buy why all the teens should be hot when most in real life are pimpled and gawky. It's too bad some wizardry couldn't save Beastly from mediocrity—but then I would need resuscitation that I finally had a teen weeper worthy of an audience smarter than filmmakers give them credit.
