Here Comes the Bride

"Here Comes the Bride" is a popular Adult Cinema title, as besides the punning it promises to deliver some fetish content (the best video so far is Kay Brandt's humorous look at wedding planners from five years ago). This desultory Stills & Mills compilation features the title two- parter plus three stand-alone short subjects (intended for individual streaming or website perusal by subscribers), adding up to a whopping 3- hour-plus running time.

Natasha Voya and Abigail Mac, a contrasting pair of actresses, stumble over their dull improvised dialog in the main 2-parter, starting with a stupid vignette that manages to toss in Oiler content from an impromptu massage. Problems with the impending wedding cause future sister-in-law Vanessa Veracruz to pop up in the second half, essentially to stage a three-way lesbian scene. Typical of hundreds of Mills/Stills crypto- incest exercise, it ends with the corny line "No one's ever going to find out". As if anyone cared.

Next segment is titled "Wedding Stress", its title signifying the same ground will be covered as in "Bride". A new cast is on tap, with Ryan Ryans (sloppily omitted entirely from the DVD's opening credits) and superstar Tara Morgan the protagonists. Tara gives Ryan a shoulder massage, leading immediately to sex, and the rest is cinema history, or more specifically the stuff that dreams are made of when one falls asleep in one's cinema seat out of boredom.

"Tantric Wives" injects Mills' fondness for commercialized spiritualism, but even Sting and wife Trudie Styler would turn this one off. That is, unless they were in the mood for a big-bust summit meeting, as Mercedes Carrera and the overdone Alison Tyler (she should have left her DDs alone rather than surgically aiming at GGs) play bored wives who are married to each other and use tantric massage (yes, Oiler action again) to spice things up. Had Mills bothered to hire a scriptwriter (that would be against her religion, apparently) this segment might have gone somewhere, as it had elements of nascent interest, especially the clash of the stay-at-home wife (Carrera) vs. the breadwinner wife (Tyler) in a husband-less home. Sort of a "Leave It to Beaver" (couldn't resist the pun) for the 21st Century, but no such luck.

Final filler of the program is "The Anniversary Gift", bringing massage front and center. Gracie Glam plays a slightly sinister-seeming masseuse, treating 1st wedding anniversary girl Samantha Rone to a massage paid for by her hubby. It's a lesbian version of the Happy Ending genre, and other than the dynamite casting is quite disappointing in terms of story line resolution when GG phones "Mr. Rone" after the humping.