Flint IronStag, Bulk VanderHuge, Thick McRunFast...
How bad does a movie have to be when it can't even afford special FX, so it has to borrow visuals from a TV series like "Battlestar: Galactica"?
As bad as "Space Mutiny".
Blast HardCheese, Punch RockGroin, Buck PlankChest...
And this one is really bad. Scratch that: really really really REALLY bad. Bad like a room full of dirty socks. Bad like listening to Yanni music for the rest of your life. Bad like a prison haircut. Bad like that tux you wore to the prom.
Stump JunkMan, Dirk HardPec, Rip SteakFace...
The story might have worked (members of expedition to new planet revolt against captain, crew), but they blew it from the moment they used old Commodore graphics for the starting credits and an old Casio keyboard for the theme music.
Slate SlabRock, Crud BoneMeal, Brick HardMeat...
The cast helps nothing by containing the likes of such once-respected actors as Cameron Mitchell, James Ryan and John Phillip Law (yes, he was respected once) in the cast. The sight of Mitchell in his bushy white beard makes it look like he should be handing out toys to the cast and inviting them to sit on his lap.
Rip SlagCheek, Punch SideIron, Gristle McThornBody...
Has anyone seen Cisse Cameron in anything other than this movie? No? Probably a good thing, especially after watching her "seduction" scene with that bald guy and trying to dance seductively with a hula hoop. It's like watching your grandma in a strip club. Ewww....
Slate FistCrunch, Buff HardBack, Blast ThickNeck...
But the worst offenses are committed by "hero" Reb Brown, all beefed-up and steroid-enhanced as a space jock who screams, shouts, whines and will make no one forget Sam Jones when he played "Flash Gordon" so many years back.
Crunch ButtSteak, Slab SquatThrust, Lump BeefBroth...
And has anyone ever seen a spaceship with brick walls, warehouse windows and cement floors? Me neither. Jeez, even the old Roger Corman sci-fi flicks had better set design than this.
Touch Rustrod, Brief Blastbody, Big McLargeHuge...
And as if you haven't guessed, the only (and I mean ONLY) way you'll ever get any enjoyment out of this mess is by watching the MST3K version with Mike and the Robots throwing every last bit of pretension this flick had over one of its innumerable rails to the floor far below.
Smoke ManMuscle, Feet PunchBeef...
Two stars for "Space Mutiny", ten stars for the MST3K version (plus five special stars for all the superlatives for Brown).
...Bob Johnson?
