I think when you make a film as corny and as silly as Grand Champion but go so far as to additionally include a pet animal whose name is 'Hokey'; whilst revolving the whole thing around kids being put through a process of coming to terms with life and death and friendship and honour and so forth, the very items any adult in the audience will most probably have come into contact with in the past, you're entering into a world of hurt. Grand Champion is unashamed in its targeting of itself at people of around ten and under, practically steering clear of any sort of content fit for any adult of any nature before eventually manifesting into some kind of twisted rendition of, with hindsight, 2008's No Country for Old Men but played for something like kids under seven. This, during which a cow is dragged across the dusty Texan wilderness as other parties are all out looking for both it and the children whom have fool-heartedly ran off with it.
The deal is: the enemies dress in black and come across as shifty and ominous without doing much wrong; home is a pleasant and happy place while the rest of the world is rather large and frightening; animals are really cute and, like, the best things in the world and county music plus dancing is really fun and ought-be done whenever possible. The film revolves around a young boy named Buddy (Fisher), whom lives on a farm with his mother Hallie (Adams) and sister played by Emma Roberts, who'll no doubt look back on this film if she catapults into stardom in the next few years, and smirk. Very early on, a calf is born and the kids treat it like it's the second coming; they cannot get enough of it and eventually come to invite it into the house so as it may live with them. The cow is Hokey, so's the film: 'boom-boom' – there's the gag, no need to mention it again and the whole thing exists so as to build some sort of affliction the kids have with the animal.
What Buddy begins with and what Buddy ends with are the film's failures. The film is essentially something screenwriters at screen writing seminars refer to as a (cue schmaltzy voice-over) "circular journey" in that characters exist; they leave a designated 'space' as they enter a large, wide world and then end up at the beginning again hopefully wiser on life. The problem is, Grand Champion wants to be about the item of death being a part of life put across by this cow, who we assume is to be taken away to an abattoir after winning some prizes at particular events that grade them on something like succulence, but distilled through the eyes of this young protagonist Buddy who must part with his friend and accept loss and death as items of life. The issue is, what Buddy begins with and ends with after going on a rambling misadventure is practically the same and then-some, thanks to a certain character who awards the lead with both life as well as riches.
It's here Grand Champion feels misguided, and ultimately, falls hopelessly flat. Buddy's prior tragedy of his father dying when he was oh, so very young and consequently being denied the chance to truly know him has to be identified as the opportunity to learn of friendship; a bond and indeed love for a fellow living individual that never was. Similar above tendencies towards Hokey enable Buddy to feel, think and react to a fellow companion, but this time properly experience the pain of loss. It's here someone appears to have got cold feet over proceedings, opting for an alternate ending that doesn't see any one learn anything and consequently bottom out. The film consists, for the most part, of Hokey being entered into various bovine versions of Crufts during which arguably the worst radio DJ, in the world, ever, narrates proceedings to us, the audience. Hokey is pitted against a big black cow; owned by big stern looking men whom wear black and drive around in a big black pick-up. They sit in an elevated position during the shows, establishing a sense of power and apparent ruthlessness, but at one point must resort to touching some poo, at which point I guess all the kids in the audience are meant to laugh. By the time the film has become No Country for Old Men for under sevens, I was left slightly uninterested and wandered what answer these guys might have in answer to Anton Chigurh and his portable tank designed for cattle-slaughtering.
The film's 93 minutes long; a sequence half way through exists purely to bulk out the runtime when a real life line dancer dances for us; there is little peril for the most part, apart from 'will they/won't they win the competition' they're currently in and there's a little sexual tension between mother Hallie and a local vet that goes absolutely nowhere. But the biggest cringe is left for when a certain A-list Hollywood star, whose name if I told you would completely spoil it, makes his presence known playing a millionaire. The characters are in awe of him just as much as the film is, in a self-reflective way that acknowledges he's much bigger and better than the project by way of the manner his presence is constructed as he sits in a limousine. Whilst it was pleasant to see a child's film unashamed in who it's aimed at, a film looking at team work and the bond kids have with one-another which eventually form friendships; and without wedging in the need to explore similar criteria whilst carrying an erotic surge or leery sensibility like in 2004's Thunderbirds or the 2007 St. Trinian's remake, the film is still the sum total of its parts: a rather daft, rather bland picture of barely any note at all.
