Wow, this was bad. Is "Survive This" supposed to be a comedy? If so, it fails miserably. Is it supposed to be a horror movie? If so, it fails miserably at that too. This may not be the worst movie I've ever seen, but it comes damn close.
"Survive This" is the tale of a wanna-be reality-TV show producer who is struggling to get his latest show on the air. He manages to get a local mobster-looking guy to bankroll the production, which is then saddled with endless problems before shooting begins. The idea is that a group of regular folks will compete in various challenges against a group of celebrities (who include such Z-listers as porn queen Gina Lynn, former Jerky Boy Kamal Ahmed, and that "Naked Cowboy" nut-bag who plays guitar in Times Square in New York City) for a half-million dollar prize. The show is to be shot on "Pirate Island" (but was actually shot on the beaches of Massapequa, Long Island, which is a poor substitute for a tropical paradise!), and as the cast and crew soon find out, Pirate Island is so named because it's haunted by the murderous ghosts of a pirate ship crew. That's your set up, but unfortunately not much is done with it. The "celebrities" promptly get lost when their boat arrives on Pirate Island and spend much of the movie wandering around by themselves in the forests, where they eventually get killed (off screen!) by the ghostly pirates (who look as if their costumes and make up were purchased at the local Party City Outlet Store) before they ever get to interact with the "regular" cast members. While waiting for the celebrities to show up, the rest of the cast and crew drink, party, and play volleyball till the ghostly pirates show up late in the running time and murder pretty much everybody before the Virginal Nice Girl figures out how to send them back to their underwater resting place. I'm sorry if this is not the most detailed plot description but seriously, "Survive This" gave me very little to work with. It's annoyingly random, totally unfunny, and not scary or suspenseful in the least.
The only saving grace of this made-for-video production (aside from a brief cameo by Hatebreed lead singer Jamey Jasta, whom I can't stand, getting a battle axe in his back) is that the female cast members are all hot and they spend the majority of the movie either in swimsuits or topless. That said, if I wanted to watch a movie starring hot chicks in various states of undress, I would've rented a porn. I'm still not entirely sure how I made it to the end of this one. I must be a masochist.
To add insult to injury, the DVD cover proclaims "So Graphic, You Will Want More," which is totally false advertising. What little blood/gore there is in this movie is far from "graphic," and cheaply done to boot. In short, a better title for this movie would have been "AVOID THIS" or "IGNORE THIS." I've bought movies at the Dollar Store which had more entertainment value than this.
In case you care, the DVD's "bonus features" include a bunch of deleted scenes featuring more of the half naked girls, a photo gallery of the half naked girls, a bonus clip of the half naked Gina Lynn rubbing up against one of her female co-stars (noticing a pattern here?) and a 24 page comic book adaptation of the film is included in the DVD case, which I liked better than the actual movie, because it took less time to read it than it did to watch the DVD.
Now, if you'll excuse me, "Survive This" has a date with the wastebasket. Ugh.
