If you told me that somebody decided to make a Christian version of The Big Chill, I'd be both intrigued and scared by the idea. It would involve a lot of dull talky scenes and most likely cringe-inducingly bad attempts at comedy as well as a ham-fisted moral lesson with all the brevity and subtlety of watching Superman fight General Zod.
That being said, let's look at Hidden Secrets.
In this film-
Wait, "Hidden Secrets"? If something is a secret, then it's meant to stay hidden and if something is hidden then by its very status is is something hidden!
When the title of your film creates a potential feedback loop, you're in trouble.
A man named David has just died.
How did he die? Well, he died because Plot is a cruel cinematic goddess who demands fictional blood be spilled in her unholy name.
David's sister Sherry has to make arrangements for his burial and that includes calling his friends to gather for the event.
While the opening credits roll, we see various characters preparing for a funeral
Yes, this is a character-driven Christian movie. Consider yourself warned.
To be fair, whenever the characters have a philosophical or theological discussion, the film borders on watchable. But just when you find yourself ready to describe a scene as 'tolerable' the script will crack the whip and force the actors to do something comedic. And the results vary from 'terrible' to 'soul-crushing.'
And most of the soul-crushing comes from Rhonda.
Oh, I cannot do this review without discussing a witch called Rhonda. She's meant to represent the judgmental, prideful, super Christian who drives people into Satan worship. Sometimes she's gently abrasive ( like a sandpaper swipe against a naked eyeball) and other times she is so hyper-zealous that she leaps beyond Rude and blossoms into Abusive.
Rhonda and Gary (John Scheider) have a little verbal collision when she learns that he works in stem cell research. I don't get enough manufactured drama reading X-Men comics, so moments like these warm my heart, just like spicy food.
Shocked, Rhonda runs back into the house and tells Sherry that Gary is no better than a murdering abortionist (and depending on whom you ask, that phrase sounds redundant). Going into Godly Overdrive, Rhonda almost shrieks that God's judgment will fall on the place because of him and I can only imagine that her unborn child is trying to squeak out, "Lady, this woman does not speak for me, I'm only along for the ride and the free food."
Exasperated, Sherry forcefully reminds Rhonda that she just put her own brother in the ground so maybe they should talk about this later.
DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING!!!!!!
We have our First Moment Of True Entertainment in this movie!
Rhonda storms off, because compassion is something that happens to other Christians.
That entire sequence is just one (ONE!) example of what we get from Rhonda. Every time she opens her mouth, a part of you will shrivel in fear because By The Audience This Movie Dumbs, Something Annoying This Way Comes.
Have no fear though, since the other characters are less hate-inducing but that doesn't help.
Jeremy (who used to love Shelley) and Rachel are having relationship woes and the fact that Jeremy is forced to interact with Shelley isn't helping.
During a painfully long and uninteresting roofing montage, the guys start discussing why Jeremy and Sherry broke up. This is a good question: why can't two blandly blonde people get along? Jeremy doesn't know why she dumped him and the breakup did affect his faith. He admits to doing a few things he wasn't proud of.
It's okay, we don't blame you for Second Glance.*
There are so many horrible non-moments that I can't possibly recount them all here.
The actors all look embarrassed when they try to sound funny and bored otherwise. The only ones really trying are John Schneider as Gary the atheist and David A. R. White as Jeremy the
..guy.
*imdb it!
