In his first directing role Anthony Chan gives us Kindergarten Ninja. An anti-drug (DARE) film that forces you to indulge in a vast array of mind-altering substances just to make it bearable. Kindergarten Ninja is the anthesis of a family movie; e.g. drug use, womanizing, violence. It's more like a comedy, one which you laugh at. The film has an unclassified rating (UN) as no sane person could probably sit through the entire coma-inducing mess. I suspect the review board simply deny its existence and see the whole premise as a joke on them and all Americans. It's important to remember that even though this is a US anti drugs film it was brought by a Hong Kong based distributor (Panorama Entertainment). God only knows what they saw in this diabolical mess, maybe cheap laughs at the expense of a nation.
OK, so what is Kindergarten Ninja about I hear you ask? Well, football "mega-star" Blade Steel (Dwight Clark) is sentenced to 90 days community service for being a drunken sex addict. What is Blade's punishment? Well, being the model citizen that he is, he's forced to tutor kids at his local community center. But Blade is bored, then suddenly a kung fu teaching angel; "Bruce" appears. He's tired of hanging out with Elvis and Charlie Chaplin in heaven so begins to teach Blade useless kung fu moves whilst sacrilegiously uttering memorable lines from movies such as Enter The Dragon. Blade then teaches the kids his kung poo, and that's about it - coupled with poorly staged fights along the way. The fights themselves look like they were choreographed by a mentally handicapped chimpanzee. Credit must also be given to the writer, George Chung (not to be confused with the famous 70s cocaine smuggler). A man who took all the worse parts of Kindergarten Cop, Hustler Squad, Young Dragons - The Kung Fu Kids, Bad News Bears, etc and made them significantly more unbearable.
Overall, Kindergarten Ninja feels like a low budget homemade porno. The poor camera quality, bad sound and womanizing lead actor, but no porn. Just 90 minutes of z-grade kung fu trash. Chan's lack of direction is shocking. I'm guessing he couldn't afford a boom mic so was forced to use the camera's inbuilt one. I really hope he doesn't direct another movie. Chan should stick to producing nauseating kiddy fodder like "Adventures with Kanga Roddy".
To conclude, I think that the purpose of movies is akin to music. Both enhance your life and provide entertainment. Having this in mind, Kindergarten Ninja cannot be classified as a movie. Words cannot describe how mind-numbingly banal and tedious it was. Having said this, I do have to congratulate Anthony Chan on making, possibly, the worst kung fu production I have ever seen. It's so bad it's bad.
