1/2 out of ****
The most painfully boring action movie I've seen since (insert any recent Steven Seagal venture), I'm starting to wonder if satiating my morbid curiosity over the next Seagal disaster is worth wasting time for the hell I endure. To date, I have not genuinely enjoyed any of the man's movies (well, not entirely true, Executive Decision was excellent, but not Seagal's movie, thankfully) and it's almost always because of him. With a few exceptions, I can easily picture different stars in his past roles that would have made these subpar action pictures superior to...well, how they turned out with Mr. Expressionless himself.
Such is the case with The Foreigner, which stars Steven Seagal as Jonathon Cold, a mysterious guy who delivers packages. Gasp, it's like The Transporter, only without the hugely charismatic lead and thrilling action sequences. I'd delve further into The Foreigner's plot, if only I understood what the hell was going on. The basic premise is that Cold's latest package is something everyone wants to get their hands on and they'll kill him for it.
But not a single plot point is the slightest bit comprehensible. Supporting characters appear at random, looking for the package, rarely ever establishing a clear reason why the want or need it. Excruciating monologue upon excruciating monologue is inserted into the script to no avail; I wonder if the actors involved even understood what they were saying or doing. The movie's silly, too, with Seagal's character acting in ways that might seem clever to a five-year old (switch cars with someone else, give bad guy a fake package), which apparently means most of these bad guys aren't much smarter than your average kindergartener.
After Exit Wounds, The Foreigner became (mostly) a return to typical Seagal. Like his previous early works, the title could be used to describe Seagal's character (i.e. Steven Seagal is...Out for Justice, Marked for Death, Above the Law, Hard to Kill), the fight scenes are almost as short as those in The Patriot, and the lead villain is pathetically easy to defeat in hand-to-hand combat. In an attempt to give the movie style, director Michael Oblowitz applies slow motion to the shootouts, sometimes also speeding up the footage. How exactly he thinks this could do anything for the movie (especially for action scenes as short as these) is baffling.
As usual, Seagal is wooden as ever, proving himself the worst actor ever to have been considered a star. He's also getting chubbier, usually hiding his weight gain with abnormally large coats. If someone else, say Jason Statham, had this role instead, the movie's quality would easily jump up a *, as plot incomprehensibility could still be made somewhat bearable with a charismatic lead (which Statham amply provides).
I read somewhere The Foreigner is originally slated for a theatrical release, but after Half Past Dead bombed, the studio dumped this into the video market almost immediately. So the movie should be very availabe at your nearest rental store, but I suggest you ignore it, even if you are a Seagal fan, and check The Transporter out instead, just to see why Jason Statham will be cinema's next big action star and how a movie about a guy who delivers packages can be made with style.
