- Mary Alice: Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom. But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us, and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned.
- Julie: When was the last time you had sex?
- [Susan stops what she is doing]
- Julie: Are you mad that I asked?
- Susan: No, I'm just trying to remember.
- Edie: I don't trust friendly women.
- Lynette: That's ok, they don't trust you either.
- Mary Alice: Human beings are designed for many things. Loneliness isn't one of them.
- Tom: I love you because you did the right thing, and I admire your bravery.
- Lynette: And I love you because you find ways to compliment me when you could just say, "I told you so."
- [They kiss, then Tom says something in sign language]
- Lynette: You just signed "I told you so", didn't you?
- Tom: You'll never prove it.
- Gabrielle: The only person more self-centred than me is Carlos, he's so self-centred he doesn't even know how self-centred I am.
- George Williams: Well... I'll see you, Dr. Van De Kamp.
- Rex: Please, you're dating my wife. Call me Rex.
- Edie: [to Bree] You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican.
- Bree: How could we have all forgotten about this?
- Lynette: We didn't exactly forget. It's just usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.
- Bree: I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.
- Carlos: Hey, Gabby, aren't we breast feeding?
- Gabrielle: Oh, honey, if you could swing that one, more power to ya.
- Gabrielle: The way I see it is that good friends support each other after something bad has happened, great friends act as if nothing has happened.
- Bree: Well, then, good luck on your remodel.
- [Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant]
- Rex: Are we gonna talk about what I said?
- Bree: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you are out of your mind.
- Mary Alice: An odd thing happens when we die, our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory, but our sight? Ah, our sight expands and we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living, if they would only take the time to look.
- Gabrielle: Before we got married we made a deal, remember? No kids.
- Carlos: Deals are meant to be renegotiated.
- Gabrielle: We're not negotiating my uterus.
- Susan: What are you smiling about?
- Mike Delfino: I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They were all just answered.
- Carlos: We're not very nice people, are we?
- Gabrielle: No. We're not.
- Carlos: Aw, when we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy.
- Gabrielle: Me too.
- [pause]
- Gabrielle: Look on the bright side - at least we're still rich.
- Carlos: Thank God for that.
- Rex: Look at you... going out?
- Bree: Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date.
- Rex: A date... what kind of date?
- Bree: Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack.
- [pause]
- Bree: It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him.
- Yao Lin: I don't like lies.
- Gabrielle: Yeah, well I don't like your ironing. So there.
- Julie: [mocking Susan] Dear diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive.
- Susan: Shut up.
- Bree: Girls, you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind.
- Gabrielle: Oh, for God's sake, Bree. You're a woman. Manipulate him. That's what we do.
- Bree: But how?
- Gabrielle: I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?
- [Bree thinks about it, and smiles]
- Mary Alice: It's a rare man that understands the value of a perfect rose.
- John Rowland: What other option do you have? Except return the shoes and get your money back.
- Gabrielle: Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're hysterical.
- Rex: So, these "tennis lessons" we're taking, how are we doing?
- Bree: My backhand is improving greatly, but you're still having problems with your serve.
- Lynette: Hi. My baby-sitter cancelled.
- Bree: I've got millions of errands to run so...
- Lynette: Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours - there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress, I have make-up on.
- Bree: If it were any other day?
- Lynette: Oh, for God's sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.
- Bree: [Rex has just admitted that he is a masochist] What the hell did your mother do to you?
- Paul Young: [asking about selling the house] Will I have to tell them about my wife's death in the house?
- Edie: [applying make-up] Yeah. Legal crap. People get really freaked out by suicides. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.
- Paul Young: Is there any other option?
- Edie: [applying lipstick] Well, you could say that she shot herself in the house, then crawled out back to die...
- Bree: [sighting down the P-08 Luger she has been given] George! This is so much better than an orchid!
- Danielle Van De Kamp: Why can't we ever have normal soups? Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
- Bree Van De Kamp: Well, Danielle, your father is deathly allergic to onions, and I won't even dignify your *navy bean* suggestion with a response.
- Bree: Maybe they'll just be happy for you.
- Gabrielle: Bree, my friends are models, they're not happy for anyone.
- Karl: The heart wants what it wants!
- Susan: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I'm able to control myself!
- [about the kids]
- Lynette: Why don't I just put them back in me and cook 'em until they're civilized?
- Tom: You'd be cool with that?
- John Rowland: This is great. Got tons of homework tonight. It's always easier to concentrate after sex.
- Gabrielle: Well, I'm glad I could help. Education's very important.
- Bree: [to Rex] When is your midlife crisis going to end, because it's really starting to tick me off!
- Gabrielle: Please calm down!
- John Rowland: This doesn't make any sense. Okay you love me. I know you love me.
- Gabrielle: Love isn't enough. Where would we live? Here? With your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong!
- John Rowland: We could get our own place.
- Gabrielle: How? You're barely making minimum wage!
- John Rowland: Okay, sure. We'd be poor at first, but we'd be happy.
- Gabrielle: I've tried poor, but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy!
- Bree: The photographer's asking if he can get shots of the two of us.
- Katherine Mayfair: Wait. I need to talk to you first.
- Bree: [Chuckles] I misunderstood the situation, that's all. Can we just leave it at that?
- Katherine Mayfair: No, we can't. And do you know why? Because I thought things were going well. I was having fun with you. Obviously... *I* misunderstood. So tell me, was there a straw that broke the camel's back? Or were you planning on killing me all along?
- Bree: Here's the thing you need to understand about me and my friends. We each have our niche. Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart, Edie's... Edie, and I am the domestic one, the organizer, the one that knows that there are three tines on a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who *I* am. And that's also who you are.
- Katherine Mayfair: So?
- Bree: So... I don't really know HOW to be friends with you.
- Katherine Mayfair: That's a shame, because I understand you better than all those other women do. I know how following the rules and all observing those little graces make you feel like you're in control. We've both had days where it was either set a beautiful table or curl up in a ball and die.
- [Tears welling in her eyes]
- Katherine Mayfair: We're the SAME, Bree. And if you think that means we can't be friends, then I'm sorry. But it might also mean we could be BEST friends.
- Bree: [to Rex] Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.
- Susan: Do you believe in evil, Edie?
- Edie: Of course I believe in evil - I work in real estate.
- Bree: [final words to Rex] You look magnificent.
- Edie: Maybe we should take a break, you know, see other people.
- Mike Delfino: You're telling me this on a day when I'm put in a man's prison?
- Edie: Well I said the timing was bad.
- Bree: Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it.
- Mr. Shaw: Sometimes evil drives a minivan.
- Edie: What the hell kind of street do we live on, anyway?
- David: You're not willing to get a divorce, but you're willing to have an affair?
- Gabrielle: I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic.
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