I watch a fair amount of pornos. I freely admit this. I have a rather idiosyncratic process for doing so: Assuming i'm watching such a film on DVD, i first watch the movie, in its entirety, at 8x speed (or, more colloquially, "two arrows fast"). I then watch the entire movie again at 2x speed ("one arrow fast"). I then watch my favorite scene from the movie at normal speed. Finally, i watch my favorite part of the favorite scene in slow-mo. For all intents and purposes, this allows me to experience the movie -- or, more correctly, the parts of the movie i'd really care to experience and re-experience -- four times in *under* two hours. This is, of course, done with the sound on the TV down and a record blasting on the stereo, which is how anyone with any modicum of taste watches a porno movie (unless, i suppose, you are a sound industry professional looking to bolster the content of your HOW NOT TO OVERDUB reminder list). This method serves me well. I can generally experience That Which Is The Reason Males Watch These Types Of Things four times in the space of two hours -- once for each time permutation -- watching adult films in such a manner. I never -- NEVER -- watch pornos the "normal" way. Why? So i can lament about the complete and utter lack of compositional skills of the cameramen? Let's get one thing straight -- i don't feel like a loser because i Do You Know What to films of young, beautiful women doing whatever, i feel like a loser because the films of young, beautiful women doing whatever are SO GOSH DANG LACKING IN ANY MANNER OF VALID ARTISTIC MERIT WHATSOEVER!!! And, i might add, i'm not saying 'artistic merit' here and meaning 'Citizen Kane' -- i'm meaning 'composing a shot' as a painter or photographer would do, filling the picture plane with good stuff, setting up various optical harmonies and this and that and the other things. I mean, FORGET IT. Atomic Vixens is the first -- THE GOSH DARNED *FIRST* -- porno movie ever -- EVER!!! (or that i've seen) -- that appears to actually have been (gasp!) storyboarded beforehand. THE SHOTS APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN COMPOSED BEFOREHAND!!! THE COLORS APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN SELECTED BY SOMEONE WITH SOME MANNER OF AESTHETIC SENSIBILITY!!! The lights, the sets, the costumes -- HECK! IT'S ALL SURPRISINGLY GOOD!!! (i am unsure how un-mild my tone can be in an IMDb review, hence all the "heck" and "gosh" and what-not). I declare, for the record, that ATOMIC VIXENS: ESCAPE FROM SLUT ISLAND (or whatever the hell it's called) is the BEST porno of 2006 (i have never once cared enough to actually declare a favorite porno for any given year previous to this), and possibly the best porno since...uh...i don't know when. I heartily approve of this. Also, in the 80's, i delivered pizzas to Foghat twice (once to their tour bus, once to their hotel room). The end.
