Hollywood Hills Hyjinx

After watching the Allans (I assume pornographers Jay and Jeff are related) louse up "Agent 69" for Adam & Eve, I wasn't surprised at how awful this feature for the label turned out. Even the simplest matters are mishandled.

It starts off with leading lady Blake Eden delivering exposition as voice-over narration, but the music track drowns out what she's saying. Quite a clumsy opening, with 160 minutes of bad road to come.

The BTS short subject reveals the script, bearing a date of 9/27/16 in close-up, was originally titled "Home Alone XXX", but this is hardly a porn-parody. I can't be hypocritical and say it's worse, as I detest porn-parody aka rip-off in general, but almost.

Instead of Culkin hijinks, this isn't about kids but rather young college-age femmes, given porn's restriction regarding children. So Eden is left at her wealthy parents' huge mansion in the Hollywood Hills for three weeks while they're away, and she's determined to live it up.

But the inane dialog from the Allans, sometimes drowned out by that crummy music already mentioned, is uninteresting, and so are the various characters presented. Everything is merely an excuse to stage lengthy XXX scenes, mostly lesbian content that is consistently inferior to that currently proferred by labels like Girlsway/Gamma, Sweetheart and Girlfriends. Even the dumbest of vignettes from those companies, generally designed to last in the 30-minute range, have better set-ups and story premises than this entire nearly 3-hour marathon.

For marquee value, Riley Reid shows up making love in a porn video with Selena Rose, who is billed as Selena Santana, apparently because Digital Playground trademarked her stage name back when she was riding high as a contract player for them six years earlier. Eden masturbates watching it, adding up to about an hour of boring footage, even though she's supposed to be living it up. If popping a DVD into the player and jerking off constitutes "hyjinx" (or "hijinx", both spellings used here) I'm a monkey's uncle.

Given that this used an actual script (the BTS even dwells on the cast practicing their lines) rather than the "winging it" approach of most porn these days, it was dismaying to see how sex scenes were arbitrarily tossed in, such as Kristen Scott's showy turns (for which she received crummy billing anyhow) of sneaking onto the premises not once but twice to have sex when Blake isn't around. Second time in threesome with well-hung studs Alex D and Rob Carpenter builds to a "caught in the act" sort of ending to the show, and even that is thoroughly botched, with the absentee parents represented only by a brief, chintzy in the extreme and anonymous voice-over rather than hiring, say Brandi Love and Evan Stone, as would have been done by a conscientious pornographer.