The film opens at an amusement park, where two biker gangs rumble. I have to admit it was fun seeing one moron tossed off a rollercoaster. Don Stroud plays the leader of one of the gangs. After the fracas, he decides it's time to go it alone, so he heads off while the opening credits roll. While filling his bike at a gas station, he runs into a couple of commune dwellers, played by Tyne Daly and some guy with large hair. The local rednecks (they are called "cowboys") tell the hippies the pump is closed, even though Stroud just used it. Stroud calmly puts the nozzle in the hippies' truck, much to the disdain of the rednecks. The hippies then invite Stroud to their farm, where he meets the leader, played by Luke Askew. Stroud decides to settle down for a bit, and learns to farm, make pottery, and indulge in other manly activities.
The rednecks show up, and try to trash the farm. One of them even flings a chicken into the air. Now regardless of how you feel about the Chick-Fil-A, this is just not right, folks. While the pacifists stand idly by, Stroud pitchforks one of the attackers in the shoulder. The rednecks promise revenge. Game on!
Stroud attempts to make peace with the rednecks, apologizing and asking them not to punish the hippies. This does not go over well, and Stroud is forced to use a cattle prod to settle things temporarily. Oh well. Nice try.
Askew asks (try saying that ten times fast) Stroud if his biker buddies would be willing to help out. Stroud says no way, warning Askew that the bikers are nutzoid. Daly convinces Stroud (offscreen) to bring in the gang, so off he goes. The gang is reluctant to help out, since they figure Stroud walked out on them - but they eventually give in.
At this point, the film almost becomes a biker version of "The Magnificent Seven" (or, more appropriately, "The Moronic Twelve Or So"). But not quite. There is one major difference (besides the obvious difference in acting talent). The bikers really are nutzoid, and hard to control once they reach the farm. Their new leader "Pilot," played by Larry Bishop, is apathetic to what is going on. The creepy Bill McKinney, as "Shotgun," wears glasses bigger than Elton John (and I mean bigger than Elton John, not bigger than Elton John's glasses). Then there is "Magician," played by T. Max Graham. This lardo wears a top hat and cap; he stashes his bennies in his cape. Yes, these are exactly the guys you would call if you needed assistance. In one hilarious scene, one of the bikers tries to teach a hippie how to fight. In disgust, he finally says "Man, you don't need to learn how to fight. You need to learn how to run."
The bikers spy on the old American Indian on the farm, who puts a "secret ingredient" in his cookies. After sampling a few cookies, the bikers decide they want the recipe, so they trash his place, which upsets Stroud. The bikers decide they are going to leave unless they get the ingredients. Askew takes off on a motorcycle with the "whammo," as the bikers call the stash. I'm still not sure why he did that, but Stroud tracks him down. They return to the farm, just in time to see two of the hippies wandering in after being assaulted.
The rednecks show up in their dune buggies, and the climactic fight ensues. There is one good stunt, when one of the bikers is lassoed and does a 180 spin in the air. But the fight is over almost as soon as it starts. Inexplicably, Askew hops on a bike again, collides with a buggy, and goes flying through the air. Everybody stops what they are doing, like this is "West Side Story" and they all have to feel bad. Hey, this is a rumble, for crying out loud. You're supposed to smash heads.
Except for the abrupt ending, this flick managed to keep me entertained. Stroud is not the best leading man in the world, and certainly has played his share of scumballs in his career. But he seems to nail his character pretty well, as does Bishop. Askew is okay, but if he were wearing suspenders, you'd swear he was a Quaker. Daly is okay as well, except for her habit of wrinkling her nose. In an amusing cameo, Aldo Ray plays the town sheriff. In one scene, he and Bishop relax in chairs, calmly discussing the temperature and humidity, while the bikers and rednecks beat the crap out of each other.
