L'île au trésor

Ain't Treasure Island the best story ever about a bunch of adults trying to kill a child? This is a version from the nineties that I picked up for seven pence, with Jack Palance as Long John Silver. I'm still holding out for a copy of that Italian one set in space, because there's no way that can't not be not good.

You know the story: Some fud called Jack works in a doss house in Cornwall while his mum lies in bed claiming Employment Support Allowance. One day this tosser turns up and gets wasted and tells Jack to watch out for a guy with one leg (whom I'd imagine is also claiming some sort of disability benefit). Then this blind guy turns up (more disability benefit) and curses the other guy. Before you know it loads of guys turns up and try and kill everyone and Jack ends up with a map and so on and so forth.

After nearly being killed several times by various pirates, Jack ends up on a ship with a small crew of English gentleman and a much larger crew of obvious pirates who are definitely not just waiting to kill the gentry and get a hold of that map. Jack Palance shows up as definitely not the leader of the pirates and they all head of for some island.

Following some man on man love action that was cut from most versions of this film (they are at see for months you know and no one likes to be alone), they all finally get to the island so they can start killing each other. By this time Jack's run off and met this arsehole called Ben Gunn, Silver's got his pirates up against the gentry, and there's a battle on the beach where only a few live to travel the sea once more. The End.

What you'll notice first is that the island is this version of treasure island is a bit…Nothern European. I had it pegged as Ireland but it turns out to be the Isle of Man (you know, that island where everyone has three legs). You'll also notice that they didn't bother doing anything with Bristol and just used the city as it looks today (including the hookers). This story can't be ruined so it's a fair bet you'll enjoy this one.

Now go away, I'm overdue my injection of smack. (The preceding is a transcription of the 1996 episode of FILM '99 with Barry Norman)