The Machine

Nope, this just wasn't for me. We start off watching a pretty unfunny stand up routine from "Bert" (Bert Kreischer) that pretty quickly has an old Russian gent shooting at his telly! So far, I'm in accord with him. Turns out, though, that he's not just annoyed at the act, but that 20-odd years ago this comic robbed him on a train of a family artefact. Bent on retrieving this, he despatches daughter "Irina" (Iva Babic) to track him down and either reclaim his property or bring him to Russia for an unique sort of revenge. Meantime, "Bert" is going through the usual family crises, that have his therapist reaching for the shotgun, when his estranged father "Albert" (Mark Hamill) shows up for his granddaughter's sixteenth birthday. Lots of teenage histrionics see him actually rescued by his European visitors who whisk both of them off for some adventures reliving his earlier tour (as Jimmy Tatro now) drinking and snorting his way around Moscow and becoming the legend that is "The Machine". (Apparently he was going for something more macho, but got the words wrong). Retracing his steps, his train journey etc., we get the gist quickly of the old him being a bit of a thoughtless tit and... By this point I really couldn't care. It's riddled with poor acting and ageing stereotypes that just aren't funny. What was Mark Hamill thinking? Vodka swilling whilst using cocaine straight off a sweaty hooker's back might have been entertaining in the 1980s, but Kreischer just hasn't the skill to hold this together while Babic does her best to exude the menace of Cate Blanchett (India Jones circa 2008), and Tatro just looks like the long lost Jonas brother who has watched a bit too much "Bill & Ted'. People in the cinema did laugh, so it can't have been all bad - but for me this was just puerile and at times almost excruciating to sit through for the almost two hours of my life that I won't get back.