- Lilith: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
- Carla: Like a body temperature?
- Lilith: That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
- Sam: [regarding Norm's bar tab] You know, Norm, you've been coming in here a long time. Look at the first entry, "skinny guy at the end of the bar".
- Candi: What's your name?
- Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.
- Candi: I'm Candi.
- Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".
- Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.
- Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.
- Lilith: Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.
- Rebecca: Are you going to get your hair done for that?
- Lilith: Why on earth should I?
- Carla: Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead.
- Lilith: That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.
- Frasier: You see, Sam, there's documented evidence that all human animals have an erotic, hair-trigger response to at least one of the five sensory stimuli. Could be anything, really. Oh, let's see: sound of surf pounding against the shore, smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer's night, taste of a vintage Chateaux-neuf-du-Pape.
- [getting turned on]
- Frasier: Fire-red fingernails... dancing through your chest hair.
- [breathing heavily]
- Frasier: Black lace teddy, straining against its fleshy cargo.
- Sam: Whoah, whoah, Frasier. Snap out of it.
- Frasier: In a minute, Sam.
- Frasier: So, um... how do you like Cheers?
- Lilith: Well. It seems adequate for its purpose, but I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't.
- Frasier: Well, yes. But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two, thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit and enabling us to go back to your place and have a physical encounter of some sort.
- Lilith: Well, we won't.
- Frasier: I appreciate your candor.
- Lilith: No, you don't.
- Frasier: You're right. I feel like striking you.
- [Lilith and Frasier are having a fight]
- Lilith: I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is exactly how I'd like to see you in Hell.
- [Cliff has read that his medication can cause male breast enlargement]
- Cliff: I see you all looking at my chestal area; stop it! I don't have breasts!
- Rebecca: Don't let them get to you, Cliff. I took that medication and the risk of side effects is very overrated.
- Cliff: Oh, yeah, Rebecca? How long ago did you take it?
- Rebecca: About twenty years ago; back when I was a little boy.
- [Cliff stomps out as Rebecca high-fives Carla]
- Norm: [Frasier and Lilith are having an argument in Sam's office] Sammy, don't you think you should check on them? They've been in there for over an hour.
- Sam: Yeah, I guess so.
- [knocks on the door]
- Sam: Frasier, you guys all right?
- Frasier: [opening the door] A few more minutes, Sam. It's almost my turn to talk.
- [to Diane in court]
- Sam: To me, our relationship makes perfect sense. You want me to propose to you, I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never wanna see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or go to jail. It's the classic American love story.
- Norm: Boy, I envy Sammy and his carefree lifestyle.
- Carla: Yeah.
- Norm: Night after night, he dates pretty girls, while I sit here and wrestle with the world's problems.
- Carla: You do not.
- Norm: What do you mean? Last night I let out a moan at the thought of nuclear war.
- Carla: It wasn't 'cuz of nuclear war, it's cuz we ran out of beer nuts.
- Norm: It was a combination of the two.
- Lilith: Now while I'm away, I need you to water the plants, pay the paperboy, and take the garbage out on Tuesday nights. I've written it all down for you.
- Frasier: Lilith, you don't hafta treat me like a child.
- Lilith: Of course not, Frasier. Oh, please remember: don't open the door to strangers.
- Frasier: Lilith.
- Lilith: Well, Frasier, there is a precedent set. We lost our stereo that day.
- Frasier: Well, he looked friendly and he needed to use the phone.
- Lilith: It was three o'clock in the morning, darling.
- Frasier: People have flats at three in the morning.
- Lilith: He was wearing a ski mask.
- Frasier: Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?'
- Diane: Sam, I have never been more grateful to you than I am now. I just looked into the face of insensitivity and dishonesty and it made me blanch. I am going out there and I'm going to break up with Stuart, but I'm going to do it honestly, straight-forwardly, and yet caringly. I'll tell him the truth of my feelings, that I'm not attracted to him romantically, although I am very attracted to him as a friend. And I'll say it in a way that he will accept and understand and be grateful for. Do you even begin to understand what I'm trying to say?
- Sam: [pause] Everything except the part where you changed your name to "Blanche".
- Diane: [completely unsurprised] Goodbye, Sam.
- Sam: Goodbye, Blanche.
- Sam: And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this: you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met.
- Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son of a...
- Sam: SHUT UP. Shut your fat mouth.
- Diane: Make me.
- Sam: Make you? My God, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall of this office.
- Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier.
- [Red Sox star Wade Boggs enters Cheers]
- Wade Boggs: Hi, I'm Wade Boggs.
- Norm: Yeah, pal, and I'm Babe Ruth.
- Cliff: And I'm Dizzy Dean.
- Woody: I'm Woody Boyd.