The Battling Angel is a 2003 Japanese movie that is VERY bad. How on earth can this movie possibly have a rating of 6.5 stars?...Apparently, the majority of people who rated it were either friends & family of the cast, or are mentally insane. There is no way any rational and unbiased person would consider this steaming pile of fecal matter anything other than a dreadful disaster and utter waste of time.
SPOILERS AHEAD!
This is the plot: young female detective is assigned to protect mob guy's girlfriend who wanted out of the organization. They both get shot; mob girl is brain dead but body is otherwise intact, and detective's brain is fully functional but body is damaged beyond repair. So, doctors transplant detective's brain into mob girl's body to make one perfectly healthy woman. YES, you read that correctly; a "brain transplant" was performed. This might be acceptable if this were a wacky comedy or a cheesy monster flick, but this movie is neither of those.
Actually, this movie didn't start off too terribly bad; hardly good, but nowhere near the mess it would soon devolve into. I had already read the plot summary somewhere else prior to watching it, and since it had a solid enough rating of 6.5 on IMDB, I was figuring there might be some decent fun to be had here. It kinda sounded like something similar to a Japanese version of John Woo's "Face Off"; WRONG!
To be fair, I'm not fluent in Japanese, and the English subtitles provided were most likely done via google translator. That being the case, I'm fairly confident the most skilled and nuanced translators and linguists on the planet would have been of no help whatsoever. The story is just too terrible to be saved by any words; actually, it probably would have been better to just make this a silent movie; you know, a few more yen saved that could have been added to special effects, or say maybe an editor, or perhaps a competent screenwriter.
The only remotely positive thing I can think to say about this film is the actress who played the female detective seemed to be doing a fairly decent job. Unfortunately, 15 minutes in, she is no longer needed after her "brain is removed". On the other hand, the actress who "got her brain", well I don't mean to be rude, but they shot the wrong actress in the head.
I will now try to explain (as best I can) what happens in the rest of this gem of a film in somewhat of a coherent and chronological order:
1.It appeared the decision to perform the brain transplant was solely authorized by the police chief/captain, who apparently neither consulted nor informed any of the family/relatives/loved ones about it. This being the case, I can only assume the reason for doing so was to send Mob Girl Body with Cop Girl Brain (herby known as MGBwCGB) undercover to infiltrate the mob.
2.MGBwCGB, however, does NOT infiltrate mob at all and is apparently released on her own (more or less). She is then subsequently abducted by mob. I'm confused. What was the plan again? Was there ever a plan at all?...Oh, I know; perhaps this is a clever ruse these brilliant filmmakers aren't letting on to just yet...will we humble viewers be able to "connect all the dots" in the finale???...Hint: The Answer Is NOOOO!
3.MGBwCGB is reunited with mob boss, but nothing really happens. She doesn't do any undercover work, doesn't fall for him, doesn't try to escape. She basically just sits around aimlessly for a while without any apparent motive or plan.
4.Mob boss cops a feel or two from MGBwCGB then blows up a furniture store or something with a toy monkey for some reason.
5.There's some bizarre tangential scene where mob boss tries to show MGBwCGB his love by having them both perform some ridiculous virtual reality mind meld. Apparently, MGBwCGB can have access to a crap ton of gold bars and valuables if she can show her devotion to mob boss by entering some code via the VR mind meld. Whoever thought up this unnecessary and ludicrous scene was a total moron!
6.The idiot detective dude (who used to love the girl cop) rushes into the mob hideout alone. He gets captured. MGBwCGB helps him escape and he eventually realizes she is the brain part of girl cop he used to love. There's some back and forth between the two about whether he was the one who shot the mob girl body in the head. MGBwCGB is all upset and like "you shot me", and he's like "no I didn't"...If I need to explain to you why this scene is utter nonsense (due to the brain transplant she had), then you might actually like this movie.
7.Everybody tries to eliminate the mob boss. They appear to have succeeded several times, but the first time was a VR image of him, then a funhouse mirror image of him, then there was apparently a body double of him. I'm still not sure if the mob boss was ever killed or captured, but it doesn't really matter at this point. Please God, make this movie end!
8.MGBwCGB's body eventually rejects the brain transplant and she ends up with the mind of an infant. Idiot detective dude proposes to her anyway, despite the fact that she's now a retarded child in another woman's body who doesn't recognize who he is. Ahhhh, True Love!
Bottom Line: This movie sucked! It's not even worthwhile in a "so bad it's good" way. It's too long, too boring, too terrible, and just doesn't make any sense at all. I'm giving it the rare 1 out of 10 star rating. If any of you who gave it a positive rating would like to comment, please send me your name and address; I will be sure to contact your nearest mental hospital to come pick you up immediately.
