Oh no! It's another release from the label that always picks only the BEST movies to put on our shelves. (Cue drum roll) Yes, it's Film 2000, the people who gave us Camp Blood 1 & 2, To Become One and Paranoid among others. Readers that have already experienced' any of those classics' will know that anytime you see that sign on a DVD cover, then it means that you're holding a flick of true quality'! Ok, so I'm joking, but on occasion they have managed to give us worthy results
Err, Well I can't think of any at the moment but I'm sure that they have! Head Cheerleader features Debbie Rochon who almost is to cheap horror movies what John Wayne was to Westerns. She has starred or played small parts in well over 20 mostly direct to video B- movies, including the slashers: Final Examination (not Final Exam), Bleed and American Nightmare (the one from 2001, not the 1983 Lawrence Tierney effort.)
Heather (Tasha Biering) is the head cheerleader for her college team. It's Halloween and the night before a really important game, so she decides to go home early and get some rest. She just wants a quiet night in front of the television. Her peace is broken when Coach Reiley (Debbie Rochon) tells her that they've found her friend's decapitated body. Suddenly she begins receiving anonymous phone calls from someone that claims to be killing off all the cheerleaders. Unable to leave her house, Heather begins to question all of the people around her because she knows that the killer must be one of them!
Ninety percent of this flick is filmed inside Heather's front room as she answers the phone to the cranky killer. Yes, it's as brain bashing as it sounds, just looking at a cramped living room for 80 minutes! The only change of scenery that we get is when we view the lame murders, with the emphasis being on the word lame'. We see decapitated heads, feet and boobs (!) that are so obviously plastic that it's painful. It's like director Jeff Miller bought a mannequin, chopped off the limbs, painted the ends red and hey presto; there are the special effects for his movie! The plot is so dumbly mind-numbing that you'll feel embarrassment for the people that were involved in such a hellish excuse for entertainment. When the assassin finally turns up and his motives are revealed even the final girl points out that he could have saved himself the hassle and just killed the one person! How pathetic!
Not only is Head Cheerleader pain stakingly bad, it's also incredibly boring. You won't get any thrills from trying to guess who's killing everyone, because suspects are mentioned that we never get to meet and characters turn up only to disappear just as quickly. Admittedly, I didn't work it out, but that's probably because it could've been absolutely anyone. Also, I was tidying up my room whilst this was on, because it was far too tedious to just sit up and watch without constantly feeling the need to fiddle elsewhere. The psycho phones Heather an astronomical amount of times, meaning that towards the end of the run time I was so pig-sick of that Ring Ring' sound that I noticed that I had drunk almost an entire bottle of whisky in an attempt to numb my pains! Then to add insult to injury, just when I thought that I'd finally escaped the irritation, it played over the end credits too. Aaaargh! Basically this is just an inane mix of parts from much better movies. Jeff Miller rips off everything from Baby Doll murders (the killer leaves a doll beside his victims) to Black Christmas (the stalker constantly phoning his victims). He even goes as far as to steal Halloween's immediately recognisable theme song for his trailer! Someone should've sued him, and then maybe I wouldn't have had to suffer this monstrosity.
Something this bad is always going to be amusing and luckily there are a few unintentional giggles to be had at the expense of the horrid actors and dumb scripting. One of the most comical is when the (by the book) fat Sheriff is informed that the coach may have been murdered, but says he can't send anyone out because he's busy! This is a murder for gawd's sake, not some delinquents playing ding-dong ditch! When the killer calls up his victims to taunt them, he mutters some poetry that sounds like a kindergarten pupil wrote it. `Violets are blue, roses are red. Tonight you two are gonna be dead!' See what I mean! But nothing can top what Heather says as she finally comes face to face with the killer. `Don't mess with me, I'm a cheerleader'(!) Oooooooh, scary!
In the opening credits, we hear a message that was allegedly left on the director's answer phone from a concerned mother of a majorette. It says something about her being disgusted' and if anything happens to her daughter then she'll sue'. Here's what she really should have said. `Jeff, I'm disgusted that you can insult the wonder that is DVD with this horrid, exploitational piece of bin-bag lining. I will only be happy if you rectify your mistake and withdraw as many copies as possible to save people from suffering this worthless excrement!' Sounds better doesn't it! At one point in the runtime, one of the guys says speaking about horror flicks there's nothing wrong with a bit of gratuitous violence'. He speaks the truth, if handled properly it can be a whole lot of fun (look at Evil Dead!). But this is no example of well crafted horror and should be given to Nasa and shot into space. Vulgar dialogue, pitiful performances and hellish direction add up to a poor excuse for entertainment. In other words it sucks like an industrial strength vacuum cleaner. Avoid!
