I tried. Oh Lordy I tried for 2 hours, but figuring the last 50 minutes would be better spent staring at my cat, I gave up.
I usually have good things to say about even the worst movies. "Mars Needs Women"? Acting was actually pretty good. "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus"? The plane scene made my day.
But ""The Poseidon Adventure"" (I put in double quotes so not to associate it with any other works of a similar name) was so bad it was good... but then it rolled over into bad again. Beginning with a comic bookish raid on a terror cell (note how they blow the flimsy aluminum garage door open and it leaves a perfectly circular hole whilst leaving the rest of the door standing completely intact lol), the filmmakers immediately establish an irrelevant sideplot about the Department of Homeland Security and a bunch of other miscellaneous Tough American Guy outfits chasing terrorists.
This wouldn't have been so annoying if they hadn't wasted so much time on gratuitous military base scenes and random 1-scene actors running around like the beginning of the tv show Hogan's Heroes. I'm not exaggerating; almost half the movie isn't on the ship, it's about SEAL teams gearing up, military types barking orders, cheesy graphics of GPS satellites circling overhead (real suspenseful there) and soldiers playing poker.
You get the feeling early on that this movie, made in 2005, was just capitalizing on the post 9/11 go-team-USA vibe. It crosses over into propaganda territory with several lines about how Homeland Security doesn't have the funding it needs, as well as a laughable plug for racial profiling (A murder is committed on the ship, and within 5 minutes the Homeland Security guy narrows it down to the 3 culprits by looking at the ship's manifest and checking for people who are from "terrorist-harboring countries". I AM NOT KIDDING! Was Trump watching this trash when he cooked up his many travel ban(s)?
Oh wait, there's something about a boat. And passengers trying to escape. But the story is actually more focused on a husband having an affair with the ship's masseuse while his 2 kids run around the ship and discover dead bodies and stuff. And then there's a random French chick who decides to rip off her dress, like completely, so they can use the fabric to cover their mouths as they run through a fire. Who comes UP with this stuff???
Oh I gotta go, my cat just blinked. Victory is mine!
