Quotes

I remember when Princess Diana died, and there was all this mass hysteria. And I went down to look at all the floral tributes. And in amongst the flowers, cards and poems I saw a rubber ET doll. Now, who thought that that was appropriate? "Darling, I just heard on the news that Princess Diana died in a terrible accident." "Oh, well, I suppose I'd better go out and buy a rubber ET doll, as you do, in remembrance. I'd better hurry, there's going to be a rush on them."

I walk out on to that stage through a Forest of Ghosts.... and they whisper "Join Us!"

How can this women have 20 children and expect them to be paid for by me, a hard working stand up comedian who sometimes does as much as 5 minutes work a day?

Game of Thrones? Peter Stringfellow's Lord of the Rings? Bilbo Baggins in Spearmint Rhino? ... I shall never watch Game of Thrones! I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children, wear no crown, win no glory and I shall not watch Game of Thrones.

Richard the Hamster Hammond. Not a real Hamster.

We live in a Post-Fact, Post-Truth era, Facts are useless, everything's made up, so all you can do is throw insults. Like, Nigel Farage looks to me like the kind of person who, before masturbating, puts on a pair of driving gloves. Made of Calfskin, so it would feel like a Calf was doing it...

I tell you what, it's no surprise what stunted Tyrion Lannister's growth. He wanked himself into being a dwarf! Isn't that a size-ist joke, Stew? Well, it's a comment on the increasing sexualisation of young women in the media, so it cancels out...

I saw the Queen Mother in the papers and she was looking very good for her age. Mind you, she was looking good for her age after never having done a decent day's work and having nothing to eat but Swans.

And this Story of Robert the Bruce and the Head Louse reminds me of the story of Robert the Bruce and my Ex's Mother. Robert the Bruce was hiding in a cave and he saw my Ex's Mother trying to jump from one rock to another for some reason, didn't make it. Tried again, didn't make it. Made it on the third try. And so Robert the Bruce went back to the fight and was able to sow so much distrust amongst the British Army that it made them impotent and incapable of sustaining a long term relationship.

We look at the way America reacted to the ninth of November...

I think whatever the cost of Political Correctness, we're in a better place now... "Institutionalised Politeness", yeah.

1 in 5 Muslims think that Paul McGann was an acceptable Dr. Who.

I am an adopted man, and that is why I am suspicious of concepts of Identity. I thought I was English, but it turns out that my Father was Scottish. Which means that I am Scottish because Scottishness, as we know, is passed down through the male genes, like a disability.

Katie Hopkins in the Sun would basically defecate onto a blank piece of paper, but do so with such commitment that it becomes bizarrely compelling.

So suddenly a bunch of Quakers got on the bus with all Porridge got on them...

I'm all for a secular society, but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. You should know those stories.

This old woman said to me "Can I help you, Sir?" and I said "Well, I'm storming out!" and she said "Yes, it is stormy out, isn't it, for July?" so I stormed past her...

Observational Comedy is when the Comedian pretends to have the same life as his Audience, instead of being a philandering coke addict...

[to camera] Four series I've been doing it like this, I'm obviously choosing to, I'm not Mentally Ill! And another thing- Nah, mate, you're alright, you're alright. Forget about it, we'll have a drink.

We all grow up to become the thing we despised as teenagers.

You find it amusing that someone famous once had to struggle? That's how it works!

I'm forty-seven, I've had two kids, a little too late in life, to be honest.

[Southend] Essex Filth, Market Traders on the run from London, lost their Nerve and gone to live in a White Supremacist's Paradise.

You can't do this. If you tried to do this you'd cry. That's why I'm up here like a God, and you're down there like pigs in an Essex ditch.

Have you not seen Game of Thrones, mate? Could be set in the Past, yeah. It could be set in the Future, after Brexit.

Just checking back there for the PC Thought Police.

Who's the Supreme Moral Arbiter of Stand Up Comedy? IT'S ME! AND THERE'S NOTHING THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE OF SOUTHEND CAN DO ABOUT IT!

They say you shouldn't put dolphins in concrete tanks because eventually the sound of their own sonar would drive them insane.

You under-40s are a shower of shit, aren't you? I'm under 40, and I like Pokémon Go! I'm under 40, and I don't eat bread for breakfast like an Adult, I suck yoghurt out of a pouch! I'm going to buy a Japanese Kitten's face on a satchel, that's what I like!

Not everyone voted to leave Europe to see Britain immediately descend into being an unaccountable Single Party State exploiting people's worst prejudices to maintain power indefinitely. Some people just wanted bendy bananas, didn't they? "Oh no! I only wanted Bendy Bananas!"

[Someone gets up to leave] You know what mate, it's obviously the last fucking thing! And you've ruined that shot there. You horrible man. There could only be thirty seconds in it, at that speed. I don't know. I'm not having the general Public in again! If only there were some way of taking you out of the Equation. Just me and Broadsheet Journalists... in a self-congratulatory loop!

With irony, you can perform for two audiences at once. Guardian readers AND Sun readers...

Whenever I think of English History I just want to kill myself. Well, they say, what about the English Language, the tongue of Shakespeare, Shelley and Churchill, does that not fill you with pride? No, I say, whenever I hear someone speaking English I have to be physically sick. And I would hear myself speaking English, as I answered the question, and then be sick about that.

There's no real evidence for Winston Churchill, is there? Winston Churchill was a 1930s Cigar Marketing Campaign that got out of hand!

Far be it from me to argue with a Footballer's grasp of semantics...

Our Fathers' Generation had Late Night Line Up with Joan Bakewell, the Thinking Man's Crumpet. And what have we got? The Culture Show, with Andrew Graham Dixon, the Crumpet Man's Thinker.

I've been telling my son Norse Legends to try and Neutralise my Wife's Catholicism...

If you've only read one book in your life, I highly recommend keeping your mouth shut.

I can't just come out here and make fun of Muslims, I've got to build up to it. I've got to make fun of all the weak, stupid religions first, and then use their bones as a kind of makeshift rope ladder to climb up and urinate through the letterbox of Heaven.

David Attenburgh is so old that he can remember Charles Darwin finding him, as a young Naturalist, on the Galapagos Islands and then bringing him back to Britain to dance for Queen Victoria.

I'm an Atheist. A Fat Atheist, admittedly...

I have an Allergy to Non-Otters.

It's my belief that we are living in the last days of Western Civilisation.

[Brexit] If you're in a shitted bed, you don't fix that by shitting more into the already shatted bed.

Yeah, Clap what you agree with! Clap, clap, clap, agree, agree, agree! "Did you see Stewart Lee in Southend?" "Yes!" "Was it funny?" "No, but I agreed the Fuck out of it! Almost as if it had been tailored to my specific demographic..."

According to the Metropolitan Liberal Elite. And who are the Metropolitan Liberal Elite? According to Gary Bushell it's my audience, you! And nowhere has that been less true than here, tonight, in Southend-on-Sea, in a HIVE OF RACISTS!

Imagine James Corden listening to me, like a dog listening to Classical Music.

[The Funniest Thing Ever] UNTIL THE ROCKS MELT AND THE SEAS BURN! DEL BOY FALLING THROUGH THE BAR! BURN IT ONTO THE RETINA OF MY EYE!

The Picturesque Village of Ferrety Saint Margaret...

Thanks for coming in, Mr Osama Bin Laden. We can't agree to all your demands, but here's Lowestoft.