Quotes

(While watching an excerpt from an episode of Full House (1987) in which he dresses as a woman) "Ahhh, where is my face?! I lost so much face on that show, I don't even exist anymore!"

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House (1987) was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

[on performing for college audiences] They go nuts. They flash me their boobs. And that's just the guys.

My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.

I become a chameleon for wherever I am.

I never expected to live this long.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

I don't like the negative of reality TV - the 'you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me.' It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new TV show for cable and it's not set up yet.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.

Paul Reiser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality TV that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network TV, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.

I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.

I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that I've had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitz's play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.

I met Jeff (Franklin) on Bosom Buddies. I was the warm-up comedian and he was one of the head writers. He loved my routine and told me he hoped we'd work together in the future. Eventually, he called me when he needed a Danny Tanner.

Dave (Coulier) and I knew each other through the L.A. comedy scene. The early 80s was a hot time for comedians there, you had Eddie Murphy, Roseanne Barr, Ellen Degeneres, Tim Allen, Drew Carey, just to name a few. They were both your competition and your support group. You were all competing for TV shows and movies, but you all knew how tough of a road it was.

I hated it. I thought the writing was awful and the storylines unrealistic. After the first season ended, I told my agent, "find me another show to do. I can't go on with this one." However, I just bought a new house and my wife was pregnant, so I stuck around. I was never completely happy on the show, but it provided a paycheck and I met some great people on it.

I don't have long to live. (...) I'm going to be found dead in bed.

[on Betty White's passing on December 31, 2021]: I don't know what happens when we die, but if Betty says you get to be with the love of your life, then I happily defer to Betty on this. Betty White. My God, we will miss you.