I Was a... Mail Order Bride

Brad Armstrong, as overrated in the Adult field as Chris Nolan is in mainstream cinema, has held the enviable position of contract director for Wicked Pictures for over 2 decades. He's often given relatively huge budgets, and obviously considerable artistic freedom, but in delivering his quota of titles (to feed the porn fans' insatiable thirst for New Releases) he often just goes through the motion, as witness this terrible feature.

It's merely a series of seven sex scenes, all purporting to deal with that cornball notion of "mail-order bride". The term makes sense in a Western, as frontier studs, ranging from farmers to gold miners, had few options for matrimony ona local level, but Brad quite boringly adapts the concept to showing us overworked guys from Chatsworth Central Porn Casting at their laptops consulting a site named World Wide Wife to select familiar beauties.

The babe one by one turn up on the doorstep and get humped. Two and a half hours of this sludge is hardly what one deserves at the hands of a big-name craftsman named Armstrong Tori Black uses the occasion to put on a crummy Russian accent as she humps lucky Kris Slater, while Lea Lexis shows off her vaunted body flexibiity playing a Romanian former gymnast for future hbby Tommy Gunn. So it goes until an anti-climactic finale (literally) in which Brad steps in to service Asa Akira, embarrassingly made up to look like one of those stereotypical Japanese dolls beloved by fetishists. Completely underwhelming.