Vampyres (2015)
3/10
Nudity, bloodshed, and lesbian vampires - and they still managed to make it bad?
20 August 2024
Directed by Víctor Matellano (Wax, 2014), this is a Spanish remake of the 1974 British movie of the same name. Despite being (very obviously) filmed in Spain, this version retains the English countryside setting of the original. Two female vampires lure unsuspecting travellers to their large, rundown house, where they can feed on them at their leisure. Three young campers unknowingly pitch their tent near the house (and its cemetery - that should have been a clue!) and begin to fall victim to the women. That's pretty much it. There's no backstory for the vampires, they're just there and they kill whoever they can. The original was one of the early films to really lean into the 'lesbian vampire' trope and acquired a cult following because of it (and the - at the time - shocking combination of nudity and bloodshed). This certainly delivers on all those fronts, with some of the bloodletting bordering on Hostel II-type 'torture porn'. But that's really all it is. All the characters feel flat, and by the end of the film we don't really know them any better than we did when we first met them. Because of that there's very little tension and we don't care about them. The score is pretty lacklustre, with a couple of really out-of-place songs, and a lot of the camera work has a 'made-for-TV' look to it. As for the ending, there isn't much of one. It just... stops.

With the exception of some cameos (which I'll mention in a second) the entire cast is Spanish. Marta Flich and Almudena León do well with what their given as the vampires (particularly the remarkably striking Flich, who has the perfect look for this kind of role - Hammer would have swept her up in a heartbeat in the 1970s). Verónica Polo as one of the campers, although bland early on, takes it up a notch and delivers when she realises these woman are going to kill her and eat her. But the rest of the cast are unremarkable. Of those cameos, the best known is undoubtedly former Hammer and Bond babe Caroline Munro (in a fair sized but utterly irrelevant role), spending much of her time alongside Lone Fleming (the Blind Dead series, 1970s). There's also Hilda Fuchs (Pieces, 1982), Antonio Mayans (Zombie Lake, 1981), Conrado San Martin (The Awful Dr. Orlof, 1962), and - in her last role - the late May Heatherly (Cannibal Apocalypse, 1980). I can't believe Matellano wouldn't have asked Marianne Morris and Anulka Dziubinska (stars of the original movie) as well; they must have said no. Probably with good reason. A real disappointment. 3.5/10.
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