- Lucille Ball: I am the biggest asset in the portfolio of the Columbia Broadcasting System. The biggest asset in the portfolio of Philip Morris Tobacco, Westinghouse. I get paid a fortune to do exactly what I love doing. I work side by side with my husband, who's genuinely impressed by me. And all I have to do to keep it is kill every week for 36 weeks in a row. And then do it again the next year.
- Charles Koerner: I know how you're feeling right now. I've had to have this conversation a hundred times.
- Lucille Ball: I'm surprised because you're terrible at it.
- Jess Oppenheimer: That's good. That's good.
- Bob Carroll: Yeah! That's exactly what I was going to pitch.
- Madelyn Pugh: But I pitched it first.
- Bob Carroll: By interrupting me.
- Madelyn Pugh: How do you think I got to be a woman in a writers' room?
- Lucille Ball: [to Ricky, completely exasperated by this week's director, Donald Glass] I beat his face until it bleeds, does our insurance cover that?
- Desi Arnaz: I got the Platinum Plan.
- Lucille Ball: Good job!
- Lucille Ball: God damn it, Viv, most American women look like you, not me. They want to see themselves on television.
- Desi Arnaz: Thank you, sir. One more question. Will you tell us your name please?
- J. Edgar Hoover: This is J. Edgar Hoover.
- Desi Arnaz: Thank you, sir.