Sharkenstein

Sharkenstein (2016)

* (out of 4)

Towards the end of WWII a German scientist is working on a shark made from various shark parts. Nothing happens until the current times when a nut gets control of the shark and sends in on a killing spree.

SHARKENSTEIN is obviously a film that you shouldn't expect too much from. The title pretty much tells you what you're about to get into you and if you're expecting SyFy type of material then you've still got your expectations a bit too high. Some might find this mildly entertaining if you like really bad movies with awful monsters.

The CGI shark looks horrible but I'm really hoping the filmmakers knew this and purposely set loose a bad looking shark. It really does look like an ugly doll at times so I'm sure no one really expected it to scare people. In fact, my kid watched this and could tell something wasn't right with this shark. The CGI blood effects really aren't much better and there's no other bits of exploitation to make the film stand out.

As it stands, SHARKENSTEIN is pretty much a really bad movie but the badness of the shark brings some mild entertainment. The performances are pretty much bland, the characters silly and what plot is here isn't worth talking about.

Of course there's bad acting and terrible cgi, what would you expect? I didn't expect one of the 3 kids to have gray hair, wearing his hat sideways to appear young and another to be a stripper in a one piece bathing suit acting like an intellectual prude. That helped distract me from the lack of story and action. There is a giant plot hole that I won't mention because I don't want to spoil it but over all it's exactly what you would expect from a movie with this name. I'm not sure why they say it's a comedy but I did laugh once.

I've seen TERRIBLE movies. Extreme emphasis on terrible. I need to wash my eyes out after this. It was five minutes in and I already had so much criticism about it. This looks like it was edited by a baby. 1. Submarines don't just go down directly, they submerge slowly. 2. Water doesn't look like that. 3. Props are terrible. 4. The acting makes me want to barf. 5. The camera is shaking. 6. Last but certainly not least the clothing, makeup, and hair is terrible? Who dressed them? The undead? I can see why they call it a comedy. I CACKLED at everything terrible. Can't see why it was a horror though. I'm 13 and I can act WAY better than them. The actors need YEARS of classes. The transitions were horrible as well.

Where do I begin? First of all, there is an attractive and capable female lead (Greta Volkova) and her hunky friend Coop (Titus Himmelberger). Then there's a third wheel named Skip who seems out of place. Oh, and our "hero" is named Duke. And then there's a shark. Not just any shark. But "Sharkenstein," which is exactly what you think it is. Frankenstein's brain transplanted into a shark. Clever, huh? Sharkenstein features lots of stock footage, tons of aerial footage of beaches, aimless shots of a lifeguard with his back to the camera, lots of white men with hairy forearms, and a posse with guns running through trees sporting fall foliage. Only director Mark Polonia would call this a movie. And he appears uncredited as the mute driver of a boat (did he have to pay himself less for not speaking?). His character's name, Hoskins, is mentioned more times than any of the four principals. Oh, and our director/editor must have run short of Wild Eye Releasing's requisite 70 minute running time, because there is a completely random scene of a long-in-the-tooth "model" getting photographed. The scene is completely unrelated to the rest of the "movie." It appears to be inserted to pad out the running time. The mercifully short running time.

This movie is bad. Really bad.

On the varying levels of bad, it goes lower than rock bottom.

Not only is the acting painfully terrible, and effects are abysmal.

The titular monster is, quite obviously, a puppet on a string, and precisely zero effort went into making it believable.

There are times when you are likely watching a cardboard cutout edited onto the movie.

The only real silver lining is the reasonably attractive cast, which is the sole redeeming factor.

Otherwise, don't waste your time watching something that probably had an effects budget of a quid.