- Cam Holland: I look at you, and all I see is potential. Your face, is potential. Your eyes, are potential. Your asshole, is potential.
- AJ Fitzpatrick: I'm fucked on the one hand, I'm fucked on the other hand, and I'm fucked on my own two feet!
- AJ Fitzpatrick: I'm not going to the Booty Barn. I'm not going to the Petting Zoo. I'm not going to the Jizzy Jamboree. And I am certainly not going to - what is it again? - the Horny Frittata?
- The Drak: What, and money's the only matter that matters? C'mon, Goldman, what the hell is the matter with you?
- Cam Holland: This Wonder Woman of yours is gonna wake up every morning and think, "Fuck... I'm bangin' a Joker!"
- The Drak: Well color me controversial, but I'd venture to say that a self-induced lobotomy is a rather harsh way to treat a case of simple heartbreak.
- Ashton Kay: You never miss the water 'til the well runs dry I guess. Well, our well's been dry for awhile now - and I finally got tired, of wondering where the water went.
- Cam Holland: That's what's passing through the grapevine?
- The Drak: Freeway of the plant kingdom, my friend.
- The Drak: Fine, start'cha off with one Yuengling...
- AJ Fitzpatrick: No!
- The Drak: No what?
- AJ Fitzpatrick: No Yuenglings!
- The Drak: No Yuenglings, thank you.
- AJ Fitzpatrick: No Yuenglings, thank you.
- The Drak: Unhappiness on your part does not constitute an immunity to disrespect on my part. You got that?
- The Drak: Every word, every look, every disagreement, every miscommunication, can all be condensed into that one line. You know why she said that, you know more than she knows. Until then, relax... grab yourself a Yuengling!
- AJ Fitzpatrick: I said no...
- The Drak: No what?
- Cam Holland: She may have had the first "fuck you" on you. But you are gonna have the final "fuck you"
- The Drak: It's philanthropy, really. It's socialism, it's communism... you're spreadin' the wealth!
- AJ Fitzpatrick: I wouldn't put it that way...
- The Drak: I'm puttin' it the way it is!
- The Drak: Suppose you tried to persuade Ashton Kay to get back together with you, either she's smart, secure and sensible or she winds up gettin' right back into it. And lemme tell you somethin' about second relationships, there, Fitzy: it's no longer like reading a good novel, it's no longer like reading a mediocre novel. It's like reading the Spark Notes. It's abridged, it's superficial, it's conducive to cheating, and worst part of it all? You already know the ending.
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