- Durante: My friends, I welcome you to my humble domicile. Tonight, let us throw all transgression to the winds and enjoy ourselves with absolute infernity!
- Durante: [Mickey Mouse claps his hands and an animated piano and stool appear; Mickey starts to play the piano] Hey Mickey, cut out them adagios, and play something down to the level of these mugs!
- Singer of "The Hot Chocolate Soldiers"]: ["The Hot Chocolate Soldiers" starts to play] Look at the brave hot chocolate soldiers, marching away to war / Followed by more hot chocolate soldiers, fresh from the candy store / Look at the band that's going with them, look at the drums they've got / Marching in syncopated rhythm, rhythm that makes them hot / Here they come, here they come / With a candy fife and a chocolate drum / Here they come, here they come / With their tummies full of rum / Look at those lovely chocolate ladies, giving a parting sigh / Tillies and Flos and Kates and Sadies / Throwing a kiss good-bye / Listen to me, hot chocolate soldier, hide from the flaming sun / Don't get too hot, hot chocolate soldier / Till the battle's won
- Singer of "The Hot Chocolate Soldiers"]: They're off to fight the Battle of Vanilla / Over there, over there / They cross the streams and mountaintops / And through the fields of lollipops / It's war, it's war, the popguns roar / From trenches made of candy sack / They'll bomb the foe with crackerjack / They're off to fight those great big gingerbread men / Then they'll come marching home
- Knapp: Now, when the Baron arrives, entertain him - the same way you did Bernard Shaw and Professor Einstein.
- Durante: You mean make the crumb my house guest?
- Knapp: Exactly! And don't forget, the Baron arrives tomorrow.
- Durante: Then we'll have to work fast. I'll get a flock of beautiful girls to give him a real African welcome! Then we'll throw the biggest affair since the Boston Tea Party!
- Knapp: Jimmy - you're a genius.
- Durante: You took the words right out of my mouth.
- Durante: [Talking on the phone] Oh, ain't that you, my little white dovie-dovie? How are ya?
- The Jaguar Woman: Now listen to me you dirty, big black snake in the bush!
- Telephone Operator: Hello, Mrs. Joan Crawford, Mr. Durante. No answer.
- Henrietta Clemp: Harvey, we can't afford to mix with strangers.
- Harvey Clemp: If we only went with our friends, we'd be pretty lonesome.
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: I wonder who they are?
- Producer Buddy Goldfarb: Oklahoma oil, new in Hollywood.
- Harvey Clemp: My name's Harvey Clemp. I'm the millionaire oil king from Clemp City, Oklahoma. This is my wife, Henrietta, the oil queen. Henrietta, this is Jake.
- Henrietta Clemp: How do you do?
- Radio Announcer: And now I'll ask one of Schnarzan's guests to say a few words. Ladies and Gentlemen, Robert Young.
- Robert Young: Greetings, Ladies and Gentlemen. Is this a party! You should see them pouring in with that whoopie look in their big blue eyes. Gorgeous girls! Brunettes, once were blondes. Blondes that were once brunettes. Hello. And here comes a little Platinum. Hello Benzie! That was a girl, not a man. Hello doll. Oh, is she a dream and you should see that dream walking!
- Henrietta Clemp: This may be madness to you Harvey Clemp, but it's bologna to me.
- Harvey Clemp: Henrietta you astound me. Why the place is littered with movie stars. And that makes some litter.
- Bob Benson: You know, there's something about you I like.
- Linda Clemp: Sure it isn't yourself?
- Bob Benson: Ouch! You got me!
- Linda Clemp: Oh, I think you'll recover.
- Bob Benson: If you'll nurse me back to life.
- Linda Clemp: Plenty of fresh air and sunshine.
- Bob Benson: And moonshine!
- Durante's Butler: Mr. Durante is in conference. He's not to be disturbed.
- The Jaguar Woman: Well listen here, I want to see that pelican face, see, and I'm gonna disturb him!
- Durante's Butler: But, the scientific gentlemen are with him. They're having their usual Wednesday night discussion.
- The Jaguar Woman: Get outta my way, you big telegraph pole!
- Durante: [Dreaming he is Adam in the Garden of Eden] One, two, three, four, five. There's a rib missing. They promised me a woman for that rib. There's something screwy around here. Where's that beautiful baby doll?
- "Eve": [Enters Eve sporting a large schnoz] Oh, Daddy!
- Durante: A carbon copy! I've been ribbed!
- Female Party Guest: [Doorbell rings] I wonder who it is?
- Male Party Guest: Maybe the Barrymores. Perhaps Garbo!
- [Door opens to Laurel & Hardy]
- Durante: [after Mrs. Clemp sings "I've Had My Moments"] I'm gonna take ya under my wing and develop ya!
- Henrietta Clemp: Do you think my personality and figure will appeal to the public?
- Durante: You'll knock 'em for a ghoul, I tell ya! You'll be a double-feature.
- Henrietta Clemp: Won't Clemp City be amazed. Maybe I'll be America's Sweetheart!
- Durante: You'll be everybody's sweetheart! Your picture will be on every ash can.
- Henrietta Clemp: My Dream Producer!
- Mrs. Jimmy Durante: What's the matter?
- Durante: You frightened me, honey. I was just dreamin'.
- Mrs. Jimmy Durante: Why, you've been sleeping an hour. Come on. We'll be late for Lupe's party. Come on, dear.
- Durante: Jeanne, tell me, do I look like a horse's head?
- Mrs. Jimmy Durante: No, Jimmy. Not like a horse's - head. Come on, toots.
- The Jaguar Woman: [Talking on the phone] What's this you giving a party and not inviting me, huh? Answer me that.
- Durante: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You don't have to get sore just because I kicked you outta my last picture! You don't belong to these parties. You get too rough, too involved. Ha-cha!
- The Jaguar Woman: Now, let me tell you something. The day I don't play in your pictures any more, Schnarzan will be terrible. What do you think of that, eh? Ha-ha-cha!
- [Sticks her tongue out at Durante's photograph]
- Harvey Clemp: Beg pardon, we haven't met. I'm Harvey Clemp, the oil king. Look, a thousand-dollar bill.
- [tears up the bill]
- Harvey Clemp: You can't do that unless you're a multimillionaire.
- Baron Munchausen: A millionaire! Somebody give him a slipper, quick. Elsie, move over, sit down,.
- [to Harvey]
- Baron Munchausen: You eat, some champagne in the glass.
- Knapp: Baron, don't forget our deal at hand: deliver the lions to the studio in the morning and get our check for fifty grand.
- Baron Munchausen: I will, thank you.
- Harvey Clemp: I'll give 60.
- Knapp: I'll make it 70.
- Harvey Clemp: 80.
- Knapp: 90.
- Harvey Clemp: 100.
- Knapp: 110.
- Harvey Clemp: 130.
- Baron Munchausen: Wait, you skipped 120.
- Knapp: 120.
- Harvey Clemp: 110.
- Knapp: 100.
- Harvey Clemp: 90.
- Knapp: 80.
- Harvey Clemp: 70.
- Baron Munchausen: Wait, gentlemen, you're going backwards. We was up to 130,000.
- Harvey Clemp: Go ahead anyway, I'll give you the 140.
- Knapp: I'll make it 150, and that's all that we can afford.
- Baron Munchausen: Can I hear 160, could I hear 155? Going, wenting, leaving, could I please hear 155? Going, going...
- Harvey Clemp: I'd rather make it 175.
- Baron Munchausen: Sold! Sold to the gentleman on my right for $175,000.
- Harvey Clemp: I want to congratulate you Baron, I think you made a mighty good sale there.
- Durante: [Jimmy goes over to the screen] Here mousy, mousy, mousy, mousy, mousy. Nice mousy, mousy, mousy, mousy.
- [picks up Mickey]
- Durante: It's Mickey Mouse!
- [crowd responds with "Oh, Mickey Mouse."]
- Mickey Mouse: Hey you, let go of my tail.
- [Mickey pulls his tail out of Jimmy's hand, does a Jimmy Durante imitation]
- Mickey Mouse: Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.
- Durante: An impostor, stealing my stuff!
- Mickey Mouse: How mortifying, how mortifying!
- Durante: The indignity of it, and a guest in my own domicile!
- [Mickey punches Jimmy, laughs]
- Durante: What impudence! My mansion ain't big enough for the both of us.
- Mickey Mouse: Okay pal, you wouldn't throw me out, would you?
- Durante: I wouldn't, huh? Watch me.
- [catches Mickey by the tail, and throws him to the other side of the screen, Mickey gives Jimmy a raspberry gesture]
- Autograph Seeker (Moe): Hiya, fellas.
- Autograph Seeker (Larry): Moe, what kept you?
- Autograph Seeker (Moe): I had to work overtime. How are you doing?
- Autograph Seeker (Larry): Oh, great.
- Autograph Seeker (Moe): Got any autographs yet?
- Autograph Seeker (Larry): Yeah, I got a book full.
- Autograph Seeker (Moe): [turns to Curly] And you?
- Autograph Seeker (Curly): If I get another one, I'll have two.
- Autograph Seeker (Moe): Well, don't worry about it, we'll have plenty before the night's over.
- Autograph Seeker (Curly): Oh, this is gonna be a big night.
- Autograph Seeker (Moe): Well, I've got a big book.
- Reporter: Any celebrities show up?
- Autograph Seeker (Moe), Autograph Seeker (Larry): Yeah, sure.
- Reporter: What are you, autograph hounds?
- Autograph Seeker (Moe), Autograph Seeker (Larry), Autograph Seeker (Curly): Yeah.
- Reporter: Did you get any?
- Autograph Seeker (Larry): Yeah, I got some.
- Reporter: Let me see.
- Autograph Seeker (Larry): I got a whole book full. Look at this, will ya?
- [flips through the pages]
- Autograph Seeker (Larry): Look at that, look at that, look at that, look at that.
- Reporter: Them stars write fast, don't they?
- Autograph Seeker (Larry): Yeah.
- Autograph Seeker (Moe): Are you collecting autographs?
- Reporter: No, collecting photographs.
- [the Stooges pose]
- Reporter: No, not of you crumbs.
- Reporter: Hey fellas, seen any prominent people? There's a lot of prominent people here.
- Autograph Seeker (Larry): Yeah: neanderthal!
- [takes reporter's cane and hits his head]
- Reporter: Who?
- Autograph Seeker (Moe): Andro-phobia.
- [takes cane, hits reporter]
- Reporter: What?
- Autograph Seeker (Curly): Androgenes.
- [takes cane, hits reporter]
- Scientific Pedant: No no no, Professor, your dissertation refutes every scientific theory.
- Scientific Pedant: But Doctor, please reflect on the profounder aspects of the matter and consider the vital points of my thesis.
- Scientific Pedant: But gentlemen, your theories are distinctly contradictory.
- Autograph Seeker (Larry): Are you guys actors or hillbillies?
- Autograph Seeker (Moe): Come out from under the spinach Gable, we know you.
- Scientific Pedant: [Moe pulls the professor's beard] Yow-ow-ow!
- Scientific Pedant: Out of the way, morons. We are of the scientific world, not of Thespis.
- [leaves]
- Scientific Pedant: Look, look, this proves my point: a perfect specimen of the Neanderthal man.
- Scientific Pedant: [points at Curly] What, that? Oh no, look at the measurements.
- [examines Curly's head]
- Scientific Pedant: Look at that, look at that. Why, that's the androgynous type. I can prove it. The androgynous cranium is always hollow, now just listen.
- [hits Curly on the head with the cane with a hollow "thud"]
- Scientific Pedant: No, no, no, no, Professor, you're wrong.
- [examines Curly's head]
- Scientific Pedant: That is the skull of the anthropedal.
- Scientific Pedant: No, that's more like the skull of the anthropedia.
- [examines Moe]
- Scientific Pedant: Listen.
- [hits Moe's head with his cane, with a "bonk", turns to Larry]
- Scientific Pedant: Ah, the obvious Neanderthal type, now.
- [hits Larry's head with his cane, making a "click"]
- Scientific Pedant: Now just note the difference: Neanderthal,
- [hits Larry]
- Scientific Pedant: anthropedial,
- [hits Moe]
- Scientific Pedant: androgynous.
- [hits Curly]
- Scientific Pedant: Well, there you are.
- Reporter: Hey fellas, seen any prominent people? There's a lot of prominent people here.
- Autograph Seeker (Larry): Yeah: neanderthal!
- [hits reporter with cane, making a "ding" sound]
- Reporter: Who?
- Autograph Seeker (Moe): Andro-phobia.
- [takes cane, hits reporter]
- Reporter: What?
- Autograph Seeker (Curly): Androgenes.
- [takes cane, hits reporter]
- Reporter: What, are you kidding?
- [gives Moe, Larry and Curly a sweeping slap with xylophone sound effects]
- Reporter: Hold it!
- [takes a picture of Moe, Larry and Curly]
- Reporter: Okay.
- [goes to the door, turns away after seeing the butler]
- Reporter: Heh-heh, I'll skip this joint.
- Beavers: [Ollie rings the doorbell] What do you want?
- Ollie: We'd like to see the Baron - Baron Munchausen.
- Beavers: What's your business?
- Ollie: Well, you see, sir, it was like this: he bought some lions from us and uh, paid us with a check.
- Stan: Yes, sir, we've been all over town trying to cash it.
- [Ollie searches his pockets, while Stan takes the check from his own coat]
- Beavers: [Ollie takes the check from Stan and hands the check to the doorman] 50,000 tiddly-winks?
- Stan: Yes sir, the Baron told us that a tiddly-wink was worth a dollar-and-a-half in his country.
- Ollie: That is, you understand, at the present rate of exchange.
- [Ollie twiddles his tie and chuckles]
- Beavers: You guys are screwy!
- [the doorman re-enters the mansion, closing the door]
- Beavers: [Ollie folds the check and puts it in his pocket, ringing the doorbell again] Now listen, if you guys ring that bell again, I'll break your arm off and stuff it down your throat!
- Ollie: Heh heh heh heh, hmph.
- Beavers: [Ollie rings the doorbell once more; the doorman rips a chime off the wall and goes to the door] Who rang the bell?
- Ollie: I did.
- [Doorman hits Ollie on the head with a chime]
- Ollie: Oooh! Ooh, mmph, mmph.
- [Stan touches Ollie's head to stop the ringing]
- Ollie: Oooh! Ugh.
- Stan: Are you going to stand for that?
- Ollie: I should say not. He can't bluff me; I'm going to see the Baron if I have to stay here all night. We'll give him his check and take back our lions.
- Stan: That's a good idea. We can get along without his old piddly-winks.
- Ollie: Why, certainly.
- Stan: We don't want his...
- Ollie: Not piddly-winks, tiddly-winks.
- [Ollie glances toward the camera, does a double take]
- Ollie: "Piddly-winks"! Ummph!
- [first lines]
- Knapp: Ah! How's business?
- Theatre Manager: Swell, it's Garbo.
- Knapp: It'll be even better next week when you play my new Schnarzan picture. What a star, what a star!
- Knapp: [looks at watch] Oh, has the trailer gone on yet?
- Theatre Manager: You'll just about catch it.
- Knapp: Good.
- Schnarzan: Can't you see, Jungle Woman? I'm human even if I got a touch of King Kong!
- Jane in Schnarzan Sequence: Human? Ha ha, you make me laugh.
- Schnarzan: Mocking a monarch, huh? Giving him the royal razz? Okay, but underneath this lion's skin beats a heart steeped with sentiment!
- Jane in Schnarzan Sequence: Oh, I bet you say that to every animal. Go on!
- Schnarzan: No... I don't! Listen to me, Jungle Woman!
- [Schnarzan does his jungle call, which sounds like a muted trumpet playing]
- Durante: What a game! What a game!
- Durante's Butler: I trust you scored, sir?
- Durante: You're darn trusted I scored! I hit four "gools" and three players!
- [laughs]
- Durante: [to his butler] Fetch me my slippers.
- Durante: How are you, Knapp? What a day!
- [Jimmy sits down]
- Knapp: Jimmy, this is getting serious! Your public is turning away from you. They say your lions are moth-eaten, toothless, and half of them have the mange.
- Durante: The mange, huh? Well, they didn't get it from me!
- [Jimmy's butler starts to pull his polo boots off his feet]
- Knapp: But look, something's got to be done on it, look at that.
- [Knapp hands Jimmy a newspaper, which he promptly reads]
- Durante: Right on the front page.
- [mumbles indeterminately to himself]
- Durante: What does it say?
- Knapp: [reads from the newspaper] "Baron Munchausen arrives in Hollywood tomorrow, with a cargo of wild jungle beasts." Jimmy, this Baron has the greatest bunch of lions in captivity.
- Durante: Well, why not get in touch with him and use his lions?
- Knapp: That's what I'm leading up to; Buddy Goldfarb may have the same idea about Liondora.
- Durante: Liondora! My hated rival.
- Knapp: Why not beat Goldfarb and Liondora to it? We've got to get those lions before they do. Now when the Baron arrives, entertain him the same way you did uh... Bernard Shaw, and Professor Einstein.
- Durante: You mean: make the crumb my house guest?
- Knapp: Exactly, and don't forget: the Baron arrives tomorrow.
- Durante: Then we'll have to work fast. I'll get a flock of beautiful girls and give him a real African welcome. Then we'll throw the biggest affair since the Boston Tea Party!
- Knapp: Jimmy, you're a genius!
- Durante: You took the words right out of my mouth.
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: I wonder who they are.
- Producer Buddy Goldfarb: Oklahoma oil doing Hollywood; slug nutty about royalty, movie stars. titles, and that sort of thing.
- Harvey Clemp: [to Jake the Cabbie] Pardon me, but do you know where the great Schnarzan lives?
- Jake the Cabbie: Yes, sir.
- Harvey Clemp: Sorry young man, but I didn't get your name.
- Jake the Cabbie: Jake.
- Harvey Clemp: My name's Harvey Clemp, I'm the millionaire oil king from Clemp City, Oklahoma. This is my wife, Henrietta, the oil queen. Henrietta, this is Jake.
- Henrietta Clemp: How do you do?
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: That gives me an idea.
- [pauses]
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: Don't worry, Mr. Goldfarb, I'll crash Schnarzan's party, all right.
- Henrietta Clemp: My husband is the multi-est millionaire in Oklahoma. Show the man, Harvey.
- Harvey Clemp: [takes out a $1000 dollar bill, and tears it up] A thousand dollar bill. You can't do that unless you're a millionaire.
- Producer Buddy Goldfarb: They'll recognize you at the party, everybody knows Liondora.
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: Ah, but I will not be Liondora. I will be the Grand Royal Duke, Spiros Demitros Nikolaus Forfoite Forenikus from southern part Europe, good old Peloponnesius!
- Linda Clemp: Oh, it's wonderful! What did you expect, Auntie?
- Henrietta Clemp: Nobility running around: a duke, an earl, a marquis. I want to hobnob with nibs, I want to run shoulders with royalty. I want a title.
- Harvey Clemp: How about "Came the Dawn"?
- Henrietta Clemp: [sighs] Oh!
- Harvey Clemp: Sorry, but I didn't catch the name.
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: I am Grand Royal Duke. Spiros Demitros Nicolaus Forfoite Forenikus.
- Harvey Clemp: Beg pardon, I still didn't get the name?
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: Oh, it's very easy, is most simplicity: I am Grand Royal Duke Spiros Demitros Nicolaus Forfoite Forenikus.
- Harvey Clemp: Oh, well let it go.
- Baron Munchausen: [singing] I'm going to say, I'm going to...
- Female chorus singers: [interrupting the Baron's singing] It's an honor to our nation, to hear your salutation / We have our celebration, in great anticipation
- Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I want to say, I want to...
- Baron Munchausen: [the chorus of ladies resumes singing] No leopards made him shiver, no tigers made him quiver / Down by the Niger River, where lions eat your liver
- Baron Munchausen: I want to say, I want to say, oh...
- Female chorus singers: [a waltz plays as Jimmy dances with the Baron and the chorus girls resume singing] This greeting's really a sensation, a most magnificent ovation
- Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...
- Female chorus singers: [singing] He only wants to say...
- Baron Munchausen: [pauses singing] Well, let me say it!
- Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...
- Baron Munchausen: [fanfare plays, the Baron pauses singing again] Hello! I fooled you!
- Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] Oh, hello, hello, hello, hel-lo
- Female chorus singers: [singing] We are very glad to meet you, and we greet you with hello / Hello, hello, hel-lo.
- Durante: [song pauses] Greetings and salutations, Baron! Welcome to my poor house.
- Baron Munchausen: [chuckles] Well, who wants to live in a poor house?
- Female chorus singers: [singing] Hello forever
- Durante: [sings as he shakes the Baron's hand] Hello, forever
- Female chorus singers: [song continues] Hello, hello. hel-lo!
- Durante: [blushingly after the Baron kisses him on the cheeks] I never knew you cared.
- Female chorus singers: [chorus resumes] Hel-lo!
- [the guests applaud as the song ends]
- Female chorus singers: [fanfare plays as song starts] This is a holiday, no melancholy day / This is a jolly day / To welcome the Baron, who came from the Congo today
- Durante: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
- Durante: [sings] Why, the Baron is coming to say hello,
- Female chorus singers: Hello
- Durante: Just hello,
- Female chorus singers: Hello, hello, hello
- Durante: Not hello, hello, hello, but halloo
- Female chorus singers: Halloo
- Durante: Say, he won't say "howdy-doo", "miss me babe", or "how are you" / "Press the flesh, old thing" or "Cheerio", or say "How's tricks" or "there" or "hi-de-ho" / Not "Wie geht, mein freund" or "mazel tov", "Bonjour" or any high-hat stuff,
- Durante: [spoken] What a lingust, what a linguist!
- Durante: [song resumes] By now, you ought to know, the Baron's going to say hello,
- African tribesmen chorus: A goona goona, a trader horna / Good afternoon-a, or is it morn-a? / Here's the Baron, kicking King Kong around /
- Female chorus singers: What's he gonna say, what's he gonna say?
- African tribesmen chorus: He's coming here to say hello,
- Female chorus singers: Oh no,
- African tribesmen chorus: That scootin' tootin sof-of-a-gun from Africa / That prevaricating second-to-none from Africa / He's going to say
- Female chorus singers: He's going to say
- Baron Munchausen: [a gorilla carries the Baron in his arms] I'm going to say
- Baron Munchausen: [song pauses] And so we're here. It has been a long walk, but we're here, ha-ha. Schnarzan, I bring you the most ferocious ape ever captured in the valleys of Africa, he is the son of King Kong. His name is Ping Pong. Now let Papa down. Pingie, go to Schnarzan.
- Durante: Knapp.
- Knapp: Jimmy, well?
- Durante: Everything is gonna be okay, I gave the Baron the Royal suite.
- Knapp: That's the idea; treat him right, and you'll get the lions, and your future's insured.
- Knapp: [lion roars from inside his pen] Now that's what I mean. Imagine the kick your public will get when they see you fighting a lion like that. Teeth that can bite, claws that can rip. What a kick when they see you with your head right in his very jaws!
- Durante: [gasps] He might break my neck!
- Knapp: There's the thrill of it! I'm willing to take any risk to make a big picture. Why, you'll be the season's sensation! Every newspaper will print your name.
- Durante: [disgustedly] Yeah, in the obituary column!
- Durante: Let's stroll.
- Harvey Clemp: [to a butler mixing drinks in a cocktail shaker] Mixing a cocktail? You picked a nice night for it.
- Harvey Clemp: [Harvey goes to the patio, where Jaguar Woman climbs down from a balcony] Careful, you'll scratch your face.
- Harvey Clemp: [Jaguar Woman climbs down the trellis] Rather an informal entrance, isn't it?
- The Jaguar Woman: That is nothing! He thinks he can keep me away from his party, eh? The dirty such-and-such, and so-and-so, and this-and-that, oooh!
- Harvey Clemp: Those are strong words, stranger.
- The Jaguar Woman: Wait till I get a hold of him! I'll show him how strong I am! I take hold of his throat, like this...
- [Jaguar Woman wraps her arms around Harvey's neck, showing how she plans to strangle Jimmy]
- Harvey Clemp: I'd hate to be in his shoes.
- The Jaguar Woman: [Jaguar Woman lets go of Harvey's neck] Say... I kind of like you. Come here!
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: [Egyptian-style music plays in the background as Henrietta reclines on a lounge chair] Oh, is beautiful, is wonderful. What a night, what a night. Oh, the moon is so marshmallow in the fragrance of your hair.
- Henrietta Clemp: Oh, your Grace, I guess I was just made for love.
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: Oh you sweet honey bunch doughnuts, you can't be for to hide your feelings when soul is respond to soul. You have heart, you have fire, you make me for to burn.
- Henrietta Clemp: Oh, Grace!
- Henrietta Clemp: Don't call me Grace, to you I am just plain Nicolaus.
- Henrietta Clemp: Nico... laus?
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: From southern part Europe, good old Pelopennesius.
- Henrietta Clemp: Pelopennesius, what a beautiful name. How lovely, how romantic.
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: Oh, Henrietta.
- Henrietta Clemp: You mustn't, Grace.
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: [Bob Benson sees Nicolaus making advances on Henrietta from behind a trellis] Call me, call me Nicolaus.
- Henrietta Clemp: No, I like Pelopennesus better.
- Liondora aka Grand Royal Duke: [Nicolaus starts getting fresh with Henrietta] Oh, let me for to grab your lipstick!
- Henrietta Clemp: Oh no, no no,Oh! No, I mustn't!
- [Benson goes off to get Harvey Clemp]
- Harvey Clemp: Ahem.
- The Jaguar Woman: Harvey, you're back, eh?
- Harvey Clemp: What a night, the moon is so mellow and the fragrance of your hair - Let me give you what is commonly known as the works.
- The Jaguar Woman: [Harvey puts his arms behind Jaguar Woman and over her chest] What's the matter with you, are you going crazy?
- Harvey Clemp: I don't seem to have the right purchase.
- Harvey Clemp: [Jaguar Woman throws Harvey over the patio railing, he lands in a flower bed] I still like the old oil game best.
- Scientific Pedant: What about Mendelism?
- Scientific Pedant: But from the Neanderthal man to the Cardiff giants, it has been an absolute theory!
- Scientific Pedant: You are speaking pragmatically.
- Scientific Pedant: Peripetatically.
- Scientific Pedant: In spite of all that, you still insist that Huxley's theory is authentic?
- Scientific Pedant: Most emphatically, I do.
- Durante: [Jimmy rises from his chair] I differ.
- Durante: [background music starts to play] Doing some research work for the Smithsonian Institute, I was called in consultation by Professor Ebbleworth, that eminent philantherist who had heard what I did for Einstein and his relatives. Professor Ebbleworth says "Jimmy, I need you. I want to consult with you about a subject which has baffled all the scientists of the world: namely reincarnation." Not the carnation I'm wearing so jauntily in my buttonhole, no. Not the carnation of a king, but reincarnation, a ponderous question.
- [chuckles]
- Durante: Professor Ebbleworth and me, being the only two guys who knows the lowdown - What is reincarnation, you mugs? You earthworms, you incompoops, you chuckleheads? Last night, with my head on my lacy pillow, I was a man dreaming I was a butterfly, sipping the sap from flower to flower, just like a little butterfly. I had butterfly worries, butterfly desires, just a man dreaming I was a butterfly. How do I know now that I'm not a butterfly, dreaming that I'm a man? Wait, I can see myself now:
- Durante: [sings] I go way back to Adam, Adam and his madam, Boys, I was Adam!
- Durante's Butler: Mr. Durante is in conference, he is not to be disturbed.
- The Jaguar Woman: Well listen here, I want to see that pelican face, see? And I'm going to disturb him.
- Durante's Butler: The scientific gentlemen are with him; they're having their usual Wednesday night discussion.
- The Jaguar Woman: Get out of my way, you big telegraph pole!
- Durante's Butler: [Jaguar Woman pushes the butler to one side] I'm very sorry, but the door is locked.
- The Jaguar Woman: [mocking the butler] Is that so? Well, you keep it locked, see, until I go and get a few more drinks under my belt. And when I come back, Schnarzan's cook will be goosed!
- Baron Munchausen: [singing] I'm going to say, I'm going to...
- Female chorus singers: [interrupting the Baron's singing] It's an honor to our nation, to hear your salutation / We have our celebration, in great anticipation
- Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I want to say, I want to...
- Female chorus singers: [the chorus of ladies resumes singing] No leopards made him shiver, no tigers made him quiver / Down by the Niger River, where lions eat your liver
- Baron Munchausen: I want to say, I want to say, oh...
- Female chorus singers: [a waltz plays as Jimmy dances with the Baron and the chorus girls resume singing] This greeting's really a sensation, a most magnificent ovation
- Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...
- Female chorus singers: [singing] He only wants to say...
- Baron Munchausen: [pauses singing] Well, let me say it!
- Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...
- Baron Munchausen: [fanfare plays, the Baron pauses singing again] Hello! I fooled you!
- Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] Oh, hello, hello, hello, hel-lo
- Female chorus singers: [singing] We are very glad to meet you, and we greet you with hello / Hello, hello, hel-lo.
- Durante: [song pauses] Greetings and salutations, Baron! Welcome to my poor house.
- Baron Munchausen: [chuckles] Well, who wants to live in a poor house?
- Female chorus singers: [singing] Hello forever
- Durante: [sings as he shakes the Baron's hand] Hello, forever
- Female chorus singers: [song continues] Hello, hello. hel-lo!
- Durante: [blushingly after the Baron kisses him on the cheeks] I never knew you cared.
- Female chorus singers: [chorus resumes] Hel-lo!
- [the guests applaud as the song ends]
- Durante: Reincarnation works in wondrous ways. Back in the American Revolutionary days in 1775, hardly a man is now alive, not even you old buzzards.
- Durante: I was, I was, uh...
- [a fife plays "Yankee Doodle" as villagers call out "Paul Revere, Paul Revere, Paul Revere, Paul Revere!"]
- Paul Revere: Good old horse, how many more miles have you got left in your system?
- Durante: [as Paul Revere's horse with Jimmy Durante's face, nose and voice] I got a million!
- [horse neighs]
- Durante: [Jimmy laughs and sings] Put... that underneath your hatter / A man has more lives than a catter / Why, those episodes in my career / Are just a demonstration of / Three little words / Re - In- Carnation, hotcha!
- Singer of "The Hot Chocolate Soldier"]: [from the "Hot Chocolate Soldiers" animated segment] Look at the brave hot chocolate soldiers, marching away from war / Followed by more hot chocolate soldiers, back to the candy store / Look at the band that's coming with them, look at the drums they've got / Marching in syncopated rhythm / Rhythm that makes 'em hot / Here they come, here they come / With a candy fife and a chocolate drum / Here they come, here they come / With their tummies full of rum / Look at those lovely chocolate ladies, waiting to greet their men / Tillies and Flos and Kates and Sadies / Happy as brides again / Listen to me, hot chocolate soldier / Hide from the flaming sun / Don't get too hot, hot chocolate soldier / Now the battle's won
- Henrietta Clemp: How can I ever repay you? Why, if there's anything you want, just ask for it.
- Durante: Anything?
- Henrietta Clemp: Anything.
- Durante: Then get your husband to give me those lions! I gotta get some lions to fight with, it's my career! I must find a lion to replace Anatole!
- Henrietta Clemp: Anatole?
- Durante: [points to a lion-skin rug] That's Anatole. I owe my success to him, he was the first lion I ever conquered with my bare fists. I beat him to a rug. Anatole, he charged me from behind a tree, I gave the famous Schnarzan call, and then... and then I leaped. I got him by the throat. It was me and the lion.
- Durante: [picks up the lion skin rug] I gave him the jungle ji-jitsu,
- Henrietta Clemp: Wow!
- Durante: Then Anatole... was a dead cat. It was another Schnarzan triumph, just another chapter in my memory book. I have no fear of man, woman, nor beast; that's the way of the Durantes.
- Henrietta Clemp: And after you cornered Anatole, what did you do?
- Durante: I gave him a chance to rest, and then I pounced on him again -
- [One of the lions shows up in the room]
- Henrietta Clemp: Aah!
- Durante: Egad! You brute, I'm double crossed! Oww!
- [Jimmy and the lion wrestle down the staircase]
- Durante: [Jimmy lands at the bottom of the stairs with the lion on top of him] Ow! You big brute! Ouch! Wait till I get on top! I'll mangle you from bone to bone!
- [Jimmy stands up and wrestles the lion]
- Durante: There's no room for both of us! Ouch! Ouch! Ow!
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