Roland Young credited as playing...
Cosmo Topper
- Cosmo Topper: My wife objects to drinking.
- George Kerby: Then she shouldn't drink.
- Cosmo Topper: She doesn't.
- George Kerby: What's her objection?
- Cosmo Topper: Can't you even *look* like a human being?
- Wilkins: I don't know, sir, I've never tried.
- Marion Kerby: Let's go have some dinner.
- Cosmo Topper: Oh no, we cannot eat on an empty stomach!
- Marion Kerby: Then we better have a few drinks first!
- Cosmo Topper: Clara, we used to play together once, and we could again. We could drive up to Lake Placid, just you and I. Stop at a roadhouse, dinner, and dance.
- Mrs. Topper: Drive in that? You're asking me to drive in a car that looks like a painted Jezebel. And drive it to a roadhouse? Why, it'd be like going to the opera in my night gown!
- Cosmo Topper: Good morning, Clara.
- Mrs. Topper: Good morning, dear. You're late.
- Cosmo Topper: Oh... better late than never. Only 44 seconds, anyhow.
- Marion Kerby: Why don't you stop being a mummy for a few minutes and come to life? Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a mummy if you had any fun getting that way.
- Cosmo Topper: But I... I didn't, you see.
- Marion Kerby: No, I can tell that by the way you're staring at my knees.
- [George and Marion watch a drunk Topper laying on the floor, passed out]
- Marion Kerby: I don't think he's ever had a drink in his life.
- George Kerby: Poor Topper.
- Marion Kerby: Poor Topper.
- Cosmo Topper: [mutters] Poor Topper.
- George Kerby: You keep out of this.
- Hotel Manager: Perhaps you can explain the red on this cigarette.
- Cosmo Topper: Yes, I... cut my tongue when I was shaving this morning.
- [Topper reading annual report of his bank]
- Cosmo Topper: Bullion abroad and in transit, thirteen million, two hundred and two thousand, eight hundred and fifty-four dollars and no cents.
- George Kerby: No sense.
- Cosmo Topper: I just said that, Mr. Kerby.
- George Kerby: So did I.
- Cosmo Topper: [to two bewildered onlookers, who've been watching him talk to an invisible Marion] Well, is it *my* fault there's no one here?
- Cosmo Topper: [drunk] Well, that's how I dance. How do you like it?
- George Kerby: [smiles and nods politely] Yes, I thought that was pretty - bad.
- Cosmo Topper: [to George, referring to his wife] Yes, I'v never - never beaten her.
- [awkwardly]
- Cosmo Topper: Not... yet, I haven't.
- [pauses, then nods to liquor on the table]
- Cosmo Topper: Open the other bottle.
- Cosmo Topper: [speaking to George Kerby about Marian Kerby] Use your influence. If you haven't any, beat her.
- Cosmo Topper: [Changing his mind about refusing a cocktial from Cary Grant] Maybe I do need a drink. Maybe I've needed a drink all these years and haven't known it!