- Mrs. Piper: Pete, my poor boy. You're on the edge of a great and serious experience.
- [It's the night before Pete's wedding]
- Peter Piper: What's the matter? What are you talking about?
- Mrs. Piper: Listen, Pete. In every man, in every boy even, there lurks a beast. A beast that can be aroused!
- Peter Piper: [embarrassed] Oh for cat's sake, Ma.
- Peter Piper: What's the matter?
- Sidney Taylor: Well, that blonde never misses a chance. I suppose she thinks you're pretty hot stuff.
- Peter Piper: She's right, isn't she? Ain't I known as Pete the It Man? Why, I have a way of exciting women so much that they lie down and beg me to walk over them. I'm the guy that put the "it" in "idiot." Listen, kid. There isn't anybody within a thousand miles of you. If she were platinum from head to toe, and her father was Rockefeller and her mother was the queen of Romania, she'd still be a headache to me.
- Peter Piper: With my mother's independence and your mother's bills, we'll go to the altar in wheelchairs.
- Willie Taylor: Subway crowded?
- Sidney Taylor: Was it! I made a lot of close acquaintances. If one of those guys had gotten any more intimate, you would have had to make him marry me, Dad.
- Sidney Taylor: Where's the bug powder, Ma?
- Else Taylor: It doesn't do any good. The people upstairs have been sending the same roaches down here so many years, I'm beginning to recognize them.
- Else Taylor: Anybody would think that I was nothing but the cook around here.
- Willie Taylor: Not after a couple of your meals, dear.
- Else Taylor: I baked those biscuits with my own hands tonight.
- Willie Taylor: Who helped you lift them out of the oven?
- Peter Piper: Listen, dumbbell - I went to school.
- Sidney Taylor: No one would ever know it.
- Peter Piper: Is that so? Want to hear me spell "eucalyptus"?
- Peter Piper: Who's a rotten egg?
- Sidney Taylor: You are!
- Peter Piper: You can't call me a rotten egg! Come on, take it back! You tell me that I'm as gentle as a cooing dove. Come on!
- [He holds her down and tickles her]
- Sidney Taylor: I give up. I take it back. You're no rotten egg.
- Peter Piper: What am I?
- Sidney Taylor: You're a great big mug.
- Mrs. Piper: I'll be all alone, with so many things to remind me of my boy in the old home.
- Peter Piper: Yeah, we've lived in our ancestral three rooms for going on two months now.
- Mrs. Piper: I've always talked things over with him frankly.
- Willie Taylor: What do you mean, frankly?
- Mrs. Piper: Sex. Women. Babies.
- Willie Taylor: Does Pete like to talk about those things with you?
- Mrs. Piper: Well no, he doesn't. But I know it's best for a boy's sex education to come from his mother.
- Willie Taylor: Baloney! He found out all about those things from boys long before.
- Willie Taylor: Son, you'll take good care of my baby, won't you?
- Peter Piper: What a chance! She'll be teaching me the lockstep within a week.
- [the doorbell rings]
- Sidney Taylor: Who's that?
- Peter Piper: Leave it to Mrs. Piper's boy to find out!
- Else Taylor: I've worked and slaved for you and him from the day that you were born.
- Sidney Taylor: Well, I didn't ask to be born.
- Else Taylor: And I didn't want you.
- Sidney Taylor: Oh, Mother. Don't!
- Else Taylor: I didn't want a baby. I was only a kid myself. I've never had any fun. I was never in love with your father, and I hated having you.
- Sidney Taylor: Stop it! Stop it! You don't know what you're saying!
- Else Taylor: Oh yes I do. You and your father have never known me. I've always been a stranger to you. Go to your father. You're his, not mine. He's the one who wanted you - not me.
- Sidney Taylor: When we're married, you want me to have a baby, don't you?
- Peter Piper: Sure.
- Sidney Taylor: I mean you really want one, don't you?
- Peter Piper: More than anything else in the world. To see you with a baby in your arms... it'll be - oh, I don't know - it'll be beautiful. Your baby and mine.
- Sidney Taylor: That's what I wanted to hear you say. Pete, we're going to want our baby.
- Peter Piper: Sure. But you're not going to get me to wheel any baby carriage around!
- Sidney Taylor: I just saw you watching Betty, and the way you looked at her legs. You looked kind of funny.
- Peter Piper: I can't help looking funny. I was born that way.
- Sidney Taylor: Don't, Pete. I'm serious. I've thought about it often.
- Peter Piper: About what?
- Sidney Taylor: Listen, Pete. Why can't we have a - holiday together?
- Peter Piper: A what?
- Sidney Taylor: Why can't we go away somewhere together? We could come back, and no one would ever know.
- Peter Piper: Say, what in the name of heaven are you...
- Sidney Taylor: Wouldn't you?
- Peter Piper: No, and neither would you. I hope I don't know what you're talking about, but I think I do. You wouldn't want to do anything like that, would you?
- Sidney Taylor: No, I wouldn't. But I love you, Pete, and I know men are different.
- Peter Piper: Different from what?
- Sidney Taylor: From a girl. I mean, a nice girl.
- Peter Piper: You poor little kid. Somebody's been telling you a lot about the difference in habits between men and women. Self-control. Maybe it's true, and then again maybe it's a lot of applesauce. As far as I'm concerned, if a person's on the level, it's got nothing to do with sex. Get me?
- Sidney Taylor: I think so, but I just wanted you to know I'd do anything for you.
- Peter Piper: Don't you think you have? Don't you worry your poor little head about me. I'm all right, and I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait for you until hell freezes over.
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