The Music Box (1932)

Billy Gilbert: Professor von Schwarzenhoffen

Photos 

Quotes 

• Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [the piano is blocking his path. Prof. Von Schwarzenhoffen taps his cane on the piano to attract Laurel and Hardy's attention.]  Well? Either of you two numbskulls going to take this thing out of the way?

  Ollie : What's it to you?

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : I should like to pass.

  Ollie : Why don't you walk around?

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Walk around? Me? Professor Theodore Von Schwarzenhoffen? M.D., A.D, D.D.S, F.L.D, F.F.F und F, should walk around? Get that thing out of my way! Get out of my way! Come on, get it out of the way! Out of the way!

  [Stan slaps his hat off, causing it to fly into the street and be flattened by a truck. Stan and Ollie simultaneously nods at Schwarzenhoffen afterwards.] 

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Very lovely... I'LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR THIS! I'LL HAVE YOU THROWN IN JAIL! I'M PROFESSOR T.D.A!

• [last lines] 

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Gentlemen, is there anything I can do to show you how sorry I am?

  Ollie : [smiling]  Just sign here. Service with a smile. Stanley, the pen.

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [as he takes the top off the pen, ink explodes into the Professor's face]  Why you... Out of my house! OUT OF MY HOUSE!

• Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen hears the piano playing "Dixie", and enters his house, turning off the player piano]  What is the meaning of this?

  Ollie : Do you live here?

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Do I live here? This is my house! What are you doing here?

  Ollie : Why, we just delivered your piano.

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [angrily]  Piano? Piano? I hate and detest pianos, they are mechanical blunderbusses! Take it out of here before I commit murder! Take it out! Take it out! Take it all out!

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [Stan and Ollie lift the piano, knocking over two vases and a standing lamp next to the staircase]  Out! Out! Owww! That's enough! Scram! Oooh, wait a minute! I'll take care of you! I'll take care of you!

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen leaves the room, and comes back with an axe]  You and - I've had enough!

  Ollie : Whoa-oh-oh!

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Oooh, you! - Why, you...!

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [the professor attacks the piano with an axe; Stan and Ollie make army salute gestures when it plays "The Star-Spangled Banner", the professor salutes, then he turns off the piano and picks up the axe]  All right, I'll teach you to...

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [the professor chops the piano to pieces as Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen enters the house]  I'll kill you! I hate pianos!

  Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen : Theodore! Theodore! What are you doing?

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Why, these two blundering idiots delivered a piano here by mistake! Look at our home!

  Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen : Why, it wasn't a mistake, darling! I bought the piano... to surprise you on your birthday!

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen cries]  Oh, there, there, dear. I would never have this happen for a million dollars!

  Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen : I thought you said you hated pianos!

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : What, me hate pianos? Why, I'm nuts about them!

  Mrs. von Schwarzenhoffen : Ohh!

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : Excuse me, gentlemen! What can I do to show you how sorry I am?

  Ollie : [chuckles and twiddles his tie]  Just sign here, heh heh heh. Service with a smile, ha ha. Stanley? The pen.

  Prof. von Schwarzenhoffen : [the professor takes the pen from Stan, which squirts the professor with ink in his face; he starts chasing Stan and Ollie out the door]  Why, you...! Out of my house! Out of my house!