- Turkey Jackson: A fine thing. First, you sell me for two hundred bucks. Then I'm gonna marry the Princess; then you cut in on me. Then we're carried off by a desert sheik. Now, we're gonna have our heads chopped off.
- Jeff Peters: I know all that.
- Turkey Jackson: Yeah, but the people who came in the middle of the picture don't.
- Jeff Peters: You mean they missed my song?
- Turkey Jackson: I hope she didn't hear that. The dead have a way of coming back you know.
- Jeff Peters: Get out, when they're dead they're dead.
- Turkey Jackson: Not Aunt Lucy, she was a Republican.
- Mabel - Lady Camel: Sometimes, when I see how silly people behave, I'm glad I'm a camel.
- Male Camel: [his eyes rolling suggestively] Aww... . I'm glad you're a camel too, Mabel.
- Princess Shalmar: [about Jeff] Now, Orville, I want you to tell me the truth. Do you know him?
- Turkey Jackson: Well I used to but I kinda outgrew him, I don't dally much with riff-raff these days and he's a pretty raffy kind of a riff.
- Turkey Jackson: [From the title song] For any villains we may meet, we haven't any fears/Paramount will protect us, 'cause we're signed for five more years.
- [seeing the desert for the first time]
- Turkey Jackson: This must be the place where they empty all the old hourglasses.
- Turkey Jackson: Aunt Lucy. I can see her now, lying on her dying bed, looking at you with those big, trusting eyes. 'Before I go, Jeff, promise me one thing,' she said. 'Promise me you'll always be a friend to little Orville,' she said. 'No matter what happens, you'll never leave the little jerk,' she said. 'Promise me, Jeff, promise me,' she said.
- Jeff Peters: Yeah, then she up and died before I had the chance to say no.
- [last lines]
- Turkey Jackson: I can't go on! No food, no water. It's all my fault. We're done for! It's got me. I can't stand it! No food, nothing! No food, no water! No food!
- Jeff Peters: What's the matter with you, anyway? There's New York. We'll be picked up in a few minutes.
- Turkey Jackson: You had to open your big mouth and ruin the only good scene I got in the picture. I might have won the Academy Award!
- Turkey Jackson: How do you figure on paying for all this?
- Jeff Peters: What are you, scared? You got red blood, ain't you?
- Turkey Jackson: Yeah, but I don't want to get it all over strangers.
- Jeff Peters: Go ahead, eat up, eat up son. I'll think of something.
- Turkey Jackson: These guys don't monkey around, they got knives, they're liable to try and get the food back the hard way.
- Turkey Jackson: You can't sell me, you don't own me!
- Jeff Peters: No, not now, no.
- [pointing at Arab]
- Jeff Peters: He does.
- [after Mullay Kasim rides through town with his men yelling and firing their rifles in the air]
- Jeff Peters: Say fuzzy, who is that headstrong impetuous boy?
- Bystander: He is Mullay Kasim, the Desert Sheik.
- Turkey Jackson: What'd he come to town for, a manicure?
- Bystander: Oh, he loves the Princess Shalmar of Karameesh. He has come here to ask her to marry him.
- Jeff Peters: I'd hate to be around when he comes for a divorce!
- [after an Arab gives Jeff a pile of money]
- Turkey Jackson: How'd you get the spinach, old boy?
- Jeff Peters: Funny thing, a guy I've never seen before in my life gives me 2,500 Kolacs... . that's 200 federal diplomas, are you listening?
- Turkey Jackson: 200 skins? Why, what for?
- Jeff Peters: I sold him something.
- Turkey Jackson: Well you've got nothing to sell! We've already hocked your pivot tooth.
- Jeff Peters: It wasn't much, but it was all I had, and was he anxious to get it!
- Turkey Jackson: What did you sell him?
- Jeff Peters: Look, uh, Orville, I want you to keep very calm now. Don't get excited.
- Turkey Jackson: [grabbing Jeff, nervous] What did you sell him?
- Jeff Peters: You.
- Turkey Jackson: Oh, well, for a minute I - HUH? Me? Wait a minute, get that guy and give him those fish back! What's the matter with you, you can't sell me, I'm not a horse! It's just the way I comb my hair!
- Turkey Jackson: We're going to get married on... . uh... . when is the big day, Dream Thing?
- Princess Shalmar: When the moon, in its last quarter, silvers the blossoms of the almond tree. That's Tuesday night, about nine.
- Jeff Peters: Turkey, from now on you're sacred.
- Turkey Jackson: What do you mean, sacred?
- Jeff Peters: You just became a full-blooded American idiot.
- Turkey Jackson: No, you do it! Who's gonna believe *I'm* an idiot?
- Jeff Peters: Will you look at the head start you got?
- Jeff Peters: First chance we get, we better dash for the nearest exit.
- Turkey Jackson: Yeah, but how about that guy's knife? We're gonna look silly stumbling outta here on a set of stumps.
- Princess Shalmar: This is a very strange country.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Yeah. Like you running into me and buying me like I was a potato. And me baked ever since. Ho-hum.
- Princess Shalmar: I can't understand why you don't like him. I think he's one of the nicest men I've ever met.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Oh, he's a nice fellow, as nice fellows go: and, why don't he?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: You mean, you'd eat me, without vegetables?
- Jeff Peters: Calm down, Junior. I'm not gonna do anything right away. I might not do anything for a week. Not until I get desperate.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: You wouldn't like me. Once I bit my tongue and I tasted awful. Help!
- Jeff Peters: Here we go again, Junior.
- Jeff Peters, Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: [singing] We're off on the Road to Morocco, This taxi is tough on the spine,
- Jeff Peters: [talking] Beats the bus, huh, Junior?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Oh, it beats me.
- Jeff Peters, Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: [singing] Where we're going?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Why we're going? How can we be sure?
- Jeff Peters: I'll lay you 8 to 5, That we meet Dorothy Lamour!
- Jeff Peters, Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: You who! Off on the Road to Morrocco...
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: It's a strange country. A minute ago she came along in a gold box, fellows carrying it with sticks. She took my hand, kissed my fingertips, my knuckles, my wrist. My toes are still braided. It was wonderful. Do it some more.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: You can't sell me. You don't own me!
- Jeff Peters: Well, no, not now. No. He does.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Well why would he buy me? What does he want me for?
- Jeff Peters: I didn't ask him.
- Princess Shalmar: Here we have a proverb: A goose is beautiful until it stands beside a peacock.
- Jeff Peters, Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: [to each other] Say Goose...
- Jeff Peters: These people are peculiar around here.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: What are you talking about? Are you goin' nuts? Why would a guy buy a guy?
- Jeff Peters: I don't know. I don't know. They buy anything, any old junk.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Do you know why they buy guys in a country like this? For slaves! They hit you with whips, put you to pickin' cotton, beat you and they beat you.
- Jeff Peters: They don't pick cotton here.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Well, they beat you for whatever they're pickin'. I know. I saw ''Uncle Tom's Cabin'' twice.
- Jeff Peters: That's very nice. That's nifty! Now look, puffy, I want to have a talk with you, man to man.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Yeah? Who's gonna hold up your end?
- Jeff Peters: Where do you think you're going? What's in there?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Oh, it"s nothing - just milady's boudoir.
- Jeff Peters: Milady's boudoir? What are you doin' goin' in there?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: It's a strange country, chum. It's a strange country.
- Jeff Peters: She bought you? Where did she meet up with you?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: She's the dame I told you about in the gold box with the sticks.
- Jeff Peters: [to Turkey] What are you made up for any how? What is this? Ladies night in a Turkish bath or something?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: [to the Princess] Come on, baby. Give your little princie a big kiss - king size.
- Jeff Peters: Now, kiss him on the nose. See if you can straighten that out!
- Jeff Peters: [singing] You're all dressed up to go dreaming, Now don't tell me I'm wrong, And what a night to go dreaming, Mind if I tag along...
- Princess Shalmar: We have very strange customs, very strange laws. For the first week of a marriage a man and wife live separately.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Yeah, well, every-- Huh?
- Princess Shalmar: It is a custom thousands of years old.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Oh, well, little customs - you make 'em, you break 'em, they come and they go. Did I ever tell you about Prohibition?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: I got a girl. I met mine. I got her at the harem, right off the assembly line.
- Jeff Peters: Nice model.
- Mihirmah: He's gonna fly with me. My love will consume him thus
- [kiss]
- Mihirmah: and thus
- [kiss]
- Mihirmah: and thus
- [kiss, kiss, kiss]
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Why the crawling lizard!
- [unsheaths a sword]
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: I'll show him what a salami has gotta go through.
- Mullay Kasim: Come, Ahmed Caspa. Let us find this man. Let us see the color of his liver. Let us hang his filthy carcass for the jackals to nibble at!
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
