- [Don Lockwood is being mobbed by several fans on the street]
- Don Lockwood: [desperately] Hey, Cos! Do something! Call me a cab!
- Cosmo Brown: OK, you're a cab.
- Don Lockwood: [unimpressed] Thanks a lot!
- Cosmo Brown: Talking pictures, that means I'm out of a job. At last I can start suffering and write that symphony.
- R.F. Simpson: You're not out of job, we're putting you in as head of our new music department.
- Cosmo Brown: Oh, thanks, R.F.! At last I can stop suffering and write that symphony.
- Lina Lamont: Gee, this wig weighs a ton! What dope'd wear a thing like this?
- Rosco: Everybody used to wear them, Lina.
- Lina Lamont: Well, then everybody was a dope.
- [after filming a love scene]
- Lina Lamont: Oh Donny! You couldn't kiss me like that and not mean it just a teensy-weensy bit!
- Don Lockwood: Meet the greatest actor in the world. I'd rather kiss a tarantula!
- Lina Lamont: But, you don't mean that.
- Don Lockwood: I don't - - Hey Joe, get me a tarantula.
- Lina Lamont: If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, it makes us feel as though our hard work ain't been in vain for nothin'. Bless you all.
- [filming a scene with a microphone hidden in a bush]
- Rosco: Lina! We're missing every other word! You've got to talk into the mike!
- Lina Lamont: [pointing at the bush] Well, I can't make love to a bush!
- R.F. Simpson: Don, it'll be a sensation! "Lamont and Lockwood: they talk!"
- Lina Lamont: [with a voice to peel paint] Well of *course* we talk. Don't everybody?
- Don Lockwood: [while filming a love scene] Why, you rattlesnake! You got that poor kid fired.
- Lina Lamont: That's not all I'm gonna do if I ever get my hands on her.
- Don Lockwood: I never heard of anything so low. Why did you do it?
- Lina Lamont: Because you liked her. I could tell.
- Don Lockwood: So that's it. Believe me, I don't like her half as much as I hate you, you reptile.
- Lina Lamont: Sticks and stones may break my bones...
- Don Lockwood: I'd like to break every bone in your body.
- Lina Lamont: You and who else, you big lummox?
- Don Lockwood: What's your lofty mission in life that lets you sneer at my humble profession?
- Kathy Selden: I'm an actress...
- Don Lockwood: Oh...
- Kathy: ...on the stage.
- Don Lockwood: Oh, on the stage, well I'd like to see you act, what are you in right now? I could brush up on my English, or bring along an interpreter, that is if they'd let in a *movie* actor.
- Kathy Selden: I'm not in a play right now, but I will be. I'm going to New York...
- Don Lockwood: Oh, you're going to New York and then some day we'll all hear of you, won't we? Kathy Selden as Juliet, as Lady Macbeth, as King Lear. You'll have to wear a beard for that one of course.
- Kathy Selden: Laugh all you want, but at least the stage is a dignified profession.
- Don Lockwood: [scoffing] Dignified profession.
- Kathy: What do you have to be so conceited about? You're nothing but a shadow on film... just a shadow. You're not flesh and blood.
- Don Lockwood: Oh, no?
- [moves amorously towards her]
- Kathy: Stop!
- Don Lockwood: What can I do to you, I'm only a shadow.
- Rod: Lina, you're a beautiful woman. Audiences think you've got a voice to match. The studio's gotta keep their stars from looking ridiculous at any cost.
- Cosmo Brown: Nobody's got that much money.
- Kathy Selden: Now look, Miss Lamont, Don and I...
- Lina Lamont: Don? Don't you *dare* call him Don! I was calling him Don before you were born! I mean... You-you were kissing him!
- Don Lockwood: *I* was kissing *her*! I happen to be in love with her.
- Lina Lamont: That's ridiculous. Everybody knows you're in love with me.
- Cosmo Brown: What's the first thing an actor learns? "The show must go on!' Come rain, come shine, come snow, come sleet, the show MUST go on!
- Kathy Selden: [picks up a cake] Here's one thing I learned from the movies!
- [Throws it at Don but hits Lina]
- Don Lockwood: Now Lina, you've been reading all those fan magazines again! Now look Lina, you shouldn't believe all that banana oil Dora Bailey and the columnists dish out. Now try to get this straight: there is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Just air.
- Lina Lamont: Oh, Donny, you don't mean that.
- Lina Lamont: They can't make a fool out of Lina Lamont. They can't make a laughing stock out of Lina Lamont. What do they think I am? Dumb or something? Why, I make more money than - than - than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!
- Cosmo Brown: Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all.
- Cosmo Brown: Why bother to shoot this film? Why not release the old one under a new title? You've seen one, you've seen them all.
- Don Lockwood: Hey, what'd you say that for?
- Cosmo Brown: What's the matter?
- Don Lockwood: That's what that Kathy Selden said to me that night.
- Cosmo Brown: That's three weeks ago, you still thinking about that?
- Don Lockwood: I can't get her out of my mind.
- Cosmo Brown: How could you - she's the first dame who hasn't fallen for your line since you were four.
- Lina Lamont: [after demanding Kathy Selden continue as her voice double and not be given bigger parts] After all, I'm still more important to the studio than she is.
- R.F. Simpson: Lina, I wouldn't do that to her in a million years. Why, you'd be taking her career away from her. People just don't do things like that.
- Lina Lamont: People? I ain't "people"! I am a...
- [reads from newspaper]
- Lina Lamont: "a shimmering, glowing star in the cinema firmament." It says so...
- [hands newspaper to R.F]
- Lina Lamont: right there.
- Phoebe Dinsmore: [giving Lina diction lessons] Repeat after me - Tah, Tey, Tee, Toe, Too.
- Lina Lamont: Tah, Tey, Tye, Tow, Tyo.
- Phoebe Dinsmore: No, no, no Miss Lamont, Round tones, round tones. Now, let me hear you read your line.
- Lina Lamont: And I cayn't stand'im.
- Phoebe Dinsmore: And I can't stand him.
- Lina Lamont: And I cayn't stand'im.
- Phoebe Dinsmore: Can't.
- Lina Lamont: Cayn't.
- Phoebe Dinsmore: Caaaan't
- Lina Lamont: Cayyyyn't
- Don Lockwood: I'm no actor. I never was. Just a lot of dumb show. I know that now.
- Cosmo Brown: Well, at least you're taking it lying down.
- Don Lockwood: No. No kidding, Cosmo. Did you ever see anything as idiotic as me on that screen tonight?
- Kathy Selden: Yeah, how about Lina?
- Don Lockwood: All right. I ran her a close second. Maybe it was a photo finish. Anyway, I'm through, fellas.
- Kathy Selden: Don, you're not through!
- Cosmo Brown: Why of course not. Why, with your looks and your figure, you could drive an ice wagon or shine shoes!
- Kathy Selden: Block hats!
- Cosmo Brown: Sell pencils!
- Kathy Selden: Dig ditches!
- Cosmo Brown: Or worse still, go back to vaudeville.
- [singing]
- Cosmo Brown: La-da-de-dum-dum-dum, Fit as a fiddle and ready for love...
- Cosmo Brown: [singing] My dad said, ''Be an actor, my son, But be a comical one,'' They'll be standin ' in lines, For those old honky-tonk monkeyshines, Now you could study Shakespeare, And be quite elite, And you could charm the critics, And have nothing to eat, Just slip on a banana peel, The world's at your feet, Make 'em laugh, Make 'em laugh, Make 'em laugh...
- Kathy Selden: You keep away from me! Just because you're a big movie star, wild parties, swimming pools, you expect every girl to fall in a dead faint at your feet. Well, don't you touch me!
- Don Lockwood: [chanting] Fear not, sweet lady! I will not molest you. I am but a humble jester, and you? You are to far above me!
- [he gets out of the car and closes the door on his coat tails]
- Don Lockwood: Farewell, Ethel Barrymore! I must tear myself from your side!
- [Don tears his coat. Kathy guffaws as Don walks away]
- Cosmo Brown: The price of fame. You've got the glory, you gotta take the little heartaches that go with it. Now look at me: I've got no fame, I've got no glory, I've got no big mansions, I've got no money! But I've got - what have I got?
- Don Lockwood: I don't know, what have you got?
- Cosmo Brown: I gotta get out of here.
- Don Lockwood: Movie? We've just seen one.
- Cosmo Brown: You got to show a movie at a party. It's a Hollywood law.
- Don Lockwood: I just had to tell you how good you were.
- Kathy Selden: Excuse me.
- Don Lockwood: No, no, don't go.
- [pointing to cake she came out of at beginning of scene]
- Don Lockwood: Now that I know where you live I'd like to see you home.
- Don Lockwood: Tell me the truth, am I a good actor?
- Cosmo Brown: As long as I'm working for Monumental Pictures, you're the greatest of 'em all.
- [after Cosmo gives a good idea]
- R.F. Simpson: Cosmo, remind me to give you a raise.
- [turns around]
- Cosmo Brown: Oh, R.F.
- R.F. Simpson: Yes?
- Cosmo Brown: Give me a raise.
- Kathy Selden: Good night, Don. Take care of that throat. You're a big singing star now, remember? This California dew is just a little heavier than usual tonight.
- Don Lockwood: Really? From where l stand, the sun is shining all over the place.
- [singing]
- Don Lockwood: I'm singin ' in the rain, Just singin ' in the rain, What a glorious feelin', I'm happy again... .
- Kathy Selden: Are you sure it's all right? Being seen with me?
- Don Lockwood: You mean lofty star with humble player?
- Kathy Selden: Not exactly, but for lunch don't you usually tear a pheasant with Miss Lamont?
- Don Lockwood: Kathy, all the stories about Lina and me are sheer publicity.
- Kathy Selden: Oh? It certainly seems more than that. From all those columns in the newspapers and articles in the fan magazines...
- Don Lockwood: You read the fan magazines?
- Kathy Selden: I pick them up at the beauty parlor or the dentist's office, just like anybody.
- Don Lockwood: Really?
- Kathy Selden: Well... I buy four or five a month.
- Don Lockwood: Four or five...
- Kathy Selden: But anyway, to get back to the point, you and Miss Lamont do achieve a certain intimacy in all your pictures...
- Don Lockwood: Did you say *all* our pictures?
- Kathy Selden: I guess if I think about it I've seen eight or nine of them.
- Don Lockwood: You know I remember someone saying, "If you've seen one you've seen 'em all".
- Kathy Selden: I said some awful things that night, didn't I?
- Don Lockwood: No. I deserved them. But I must admit I was hurt by them. So hurt in fact that I haven't been able to think about anything but you ever since.
- Don Lockwood: Which of my pictures have you seen?
- Kathy Selden: I don't remember. I saw one once.
- Don Lockwood: You saw one once?
- Kathy Selden: Yes, I think you were dueling and there was a girl - Lina Lamont. But I don't go to the movies much. If you've seen one you've seen them all.
- Don Lockwood: Thank you.
- Kathy Selden: Oh, no offense. Movies are entertaining enough for the masses but the personalities on the screen just don't impress me. I mean they don't talk, they don't act, the just make a lot of dumb show. Well, you know
- [demonstrates]
- Kathy Selden: like that.
- Don Lockwood: You mean like what I do?
- Kathy Selden: Well, yes!
- Don Lockwood: Are you doing anything tonight, Miss Lamont?
- [she shakes her head "no"]
- Don Lockwood: Well's that's funny - *I'm* busy.
- [after the demonstration of a talking picture]
- R.F. Simpson: What do you think of it, Dexter?
- Rosco: It'll never amount to a thing.
- Olga Mara: [with heavy, snotty accent] Its vulgar!
- Cosmo Brown: That's what they said about the horseless carriage.
- [after Cosmo's car breaks down]
- Don Lockwood: Don't tell me, it's a flat tire.
- Cosmo Brown: I can't undertand it. This car hasn't given me a lick of trouble in nearly 6 hours.
- Don Lockwood: What's the matter with that girl? Can't she take a gentle hint?
- Cosmo Brown: Well haven't ya heard? She's irresistible. She told me so herself.
- [after picture is shown where Kathy is singing for Lina]
- Cosmo Brown: Lina, you were fabulous. You sang as good as Kathy Selden.
- Rosco: [after seeing the film screw-up] The sound, its out of synchronization!
- R.F. Simpson: [irritated] Well tell them to fix it!
- Rosco: [while getting up] Yes sir, fix it!
- Kathy Selden: [laughing about the sound of "The Duelling Cavalier" going out of synchronization] I was just thinking, I think I liked her best when the sound went off and she said
- [imitating Lina shaking her head]
- Kathy Selden: "Yes, yes, yes."
- Cosmo Brown: [imitating the actor opposite her] "No, no, no."
- Kathy Selden: "Yes, yes, yes."
- Cosmo Brown: "No, no..."
- [a thought strikes him]
- Cosmo Brown: Wait a minute. Wait a minute, I am just about to be brilliant.
- [pulling her to her feet]
- Cosmo Brown: Come here, Kathy. Come here. Now, sing.
- Kathy Selden: Huh?
- Cosmo Brown: I said sing.
- [prompting her]
- Cosmo Brown: Good mornin'.
- Cosmo Brown, Kathy Selden: Good mornin'.
- Cosmo Brown: [putting her behind him] Now, Don, keep your eyes riveted on me.
- Kathy Selden: [he lip-syncs to her singing] We've talked the whole night through/Good mornin', good mornin' to you.
- Cosmo Brown: Watch my mouth.
- Kathy Selden: Good mornin', good mornin'/It's great to stay up late/Good mornin', good mornin' to you.
- Cosmo Brown: Well? Convincing?
- Don Lockwood: [missing the point] Enchanting. What?
- Cosmo Brown: Don't you get it? Use Kathy's voice. Lina just moves her mouth, and Kathy's voice comes over singing and talking for her.
- Kathy Selden: That's wonderful.
- Don Lockwood: No. No, I couldn't let you do it, Kathy.
- Kathy Selden: Why not?
- Don Lockwood: Because you wouldn't be seen. You'd be throwing away your own career.
- Kathy Selden: It has nothing to do with my career. It's only for this one picture. The important thing now is to save "The Duelling Cavalier", save Lockwood and Lamont.
- Cosmo Brown: Yeah.
- Don Lockwood: Well... well, all right, if it's only for this one picture. But... do you think it'll get by?
- Kathy Selden: Of course it will.
- Cosmo Brown: Sure. And it's simple to work the numbers. Why, all you gotta do is dance around Lina and teach her how to take a bow.
- Don Lockwood: All right, we'll go to R.F. and spring it on him in the morning.
- Kathy Selden: [kissing him] Don, you're a genius.
- Cosmo Brown: Hmm. I'm glad you thought of it.
- Girl in audience: [about Lina] She's so refined. I think I'll kill myself.
- Don Lockwood: Well, we movie stars get the glory. I guess we have to take the little heartaches that go with it. People think we lead lives of glamour and romance, but we're really lonely - terribly lonely.
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