- Mark Christopher: You know, I've forgotten what 17-year-old emotional kids are like. I've been going out with middle-aged women--20, 21...
- Maude Snodgrass: Your husband's better than crazy; he's a writer. And you'll be just another story to him, Susie, unless you love him enough to stay and put the ending on it. Don't let the senator's daughter write the fade-out.
- Mark Christopher: Now every law has a loop-hole. What can we do, Harvey? She's a nice kid.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: You and Isabella can adopt her, if you don't tell Isabella.
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: Just a simple little annulment, Susan. And since you and Mark aren't really married...
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: But we are married. We drove to Las Vegas and came back with a wedding license.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: You're lucky. Usually people don't come back with anything.
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: [Interrupred by Mark during a session at his psychiatrist] Do forgive me if I don't stand up, but this couch costs me 50 bucks an hour.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: But as a very wise child bride pointed out: who needs me around here? I'm too old for college and too young for charity. That leaves the Navy.
- Mark Christopher: Deserter.
- The Oscar: Well, that's Hollywood. A couple of years ago I'm one of the stars at the Academy Awards. Now I'm a wide-screen nutcracker.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Leave me alone! Let me go!
- Maude Snodgrass: *After* I've talked to you like a mother.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: What do *you* know about motherhood?
- Maude Snodgrass: I happened to have typed the script to "Stella Dallas."
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: And thank you for the whistle, too, even if you didn't mean it.
- Mark Christopher: I meant every pucker.
- Mark Christopher: How would you like your daughter to spend the next six months in jail with hardened criminals?
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: Hmm, might do her good.
- Maude Snodgrass: This stinks! The more I type, the more I wonder if he could ever write.
- Georgette, Mark's Maid: Now, Miss Maude, you know Mr. Mark can write. Didn't he just write a hit for Jane Russell?
- Maude Snodgrass: His story is *not* what made that picture a hit.
- Sergeant Sam Hanlon: When I was working at the studio, Mark used to talk about an idea he had for a serious story about a juvenile delinquent. Said he'd like to talk to some of these 16, 17-year-old kids we picked up. Well, I'll go down and get his present. We got her handcuffed to the steering wheel.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Hey, woman of distinction, I thought you gave up drinking?
- Maude Snodgrass: I only say that when I'm loaded. When I sober up, I come to my senses and get loaded.
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: So, she's a juvenile delinquent. No folks. No relatives. The State's gonna keep her locked up until she's old enough the drink what's *in* the beer bottle.
- Mark Christopher: You get so dramatic about everything. You ought to be an actress.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: I am an actress!
- Mark Christopher: I loved you in "The Outlaw."
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: I never played that part.
- Mark Christopher: No, you didn't.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You mean you let a girl keep you from sleeping?
- Mark Christopher: It's been the policy of our firm for a great many years.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Didn't you have a date?
- Mark Christopher: Yeah, going to see a girlfriend of mine. For some reason, I'm late.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: She's broad-minded, isn't she? You bringing another woman along, I mean.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Hey, here's your name! "By Mark Christopher". You wrote "The Gob and the Geisha Girl"? You wrote this? I got this from a lending library. That part about the crazy singer and that sexy nurse, when he was in that crazy hospital! Crazy!
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Then I was in a musical comedy in high school. I met a composer that had ulterior motives on me.
- Mark Christopher: Now, why can't I think of plots like that?
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You talk like a writer.
- Mark Christopher: I just don't write like a writer.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You don't look like a writer.
- Mark Christopher: That's because I've done so much writing.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Let's forget you're a man and I'm a woman.
- Mark Christopher: OK. You be the man. I'll be the woman.
- Mark Christopher: I thought you'd gone to bed.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: I'm afraid to go to bed.
- Mark Christopher: Well, what are you afraid of?
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: I'm afraid I'll fall asleep.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: [Mark dealing cards for a game of gin rummy] What'll we play for?
- Mark Christopher: We'll just play.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Why don't we play for who gets the bedroom and who sleeps out here?
- Mark Christopher: All right.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: What if it's a tie?
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You're a man, aren't you?
- Mark Christopher: There's a nasty rumor to that affect, yes.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You know, I'd like to get a dye job and a facial like hers.
- Mark Christopher: Isabella's a natural blonde.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: You sure?
- Mark Christopher: We're very good friends.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Imagine, me in a mink. You know, Mr. Christopher, some girls will do anything for a mink.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Any judge who starts handing out 17-year-old chicks to 35-year-old bachelors will become President next election. Of course, you could fool a court by marrying the girl, supporting her on what you haven't got.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Take a lot of coffee, don't ya?
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: Only black. It's the cream and sugar that hurts you.
- Mark Christopher: Hello, there.
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: Hi.
- Mark Christopher: I don't think we've met.
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: That's because you never saw me before.
- Isabella Alexander: [snidely] My father is Senator Rufus D. Alexander.
- Sergeant Sam Hanlon: You'll still have to leave.
- Isabella Alexander: You'll have to carry me out.
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: Hold my cheese sandwich.
- [hands it to Susan]
- Isabella Alexander: The Senator will have you broken!
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: Ha! A Democrat. He's got his own troubles.
- [picks up Isabella on his shoulder and carries her out of the bedroom]
- Isabella Alexander: Enough of this! Put me down!
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: I can't hear ya, lady, I've got flat feet.
- [opens apartment door, Virgil enters]
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Isabella, what are you doing up there?
- Isabella Alexander: Wishing I were a Republican!
- Maude Snodgrass: Here's to ya, Junior.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Don't call me Junior! Or, I'll cancel your mamba lessons at Arthur Murray's.
- Mark Christopher: Yeah, I want to get you drunk. Loaded! Pie-eyed! Stinkin'! Tight as a hoot owl! High as a kite! Blind as a bat!
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: I don't know any men your age, but, they're probably just as bad as any man my age.
- Mark Christopher: Stop acting like a lawyer. Use your brain. What about vagrancy?
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: It's all right--for those who like it.
- Sergeant Monty Maizel: Remember, you guys, she's underage. Lay one hand on her and that's all, brother.
- Maude Snodgrass: I despise all gorgeous women with gorgeous figures, especially when they're gorgeous.
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: He can't be serious.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Oh, he's serious, and he'll convince her he's serious, and she'll take him serious, and he'll start writing serious, and we'll all be in serious trouble.
- Mark Christopher: How, may I ask, am I acting?
- Dr. Rawley, Harvey's Shrink: Like a jealous man. Like a husband who's in love with his own wife. Of course, it is abnormal when he doesn't know it.
- Mark Christopher: Abnormal? Me, abnormal? Let's get something straight, Doctor, I don't love anybody. I don't love anybody!
- Dr. Rawley, Harvey's Shrink: Why don't we lie down--and talk it over.
- Virgil, Mark's Gofer: Mark, so help me, I was as surprised as you are. When I read it, my tattoo turned over.
- Maude Snodgrass: What is this, Lieutenant? A Navy court martial? Or, do you just like to pick on little girls?
- Dr. Rawley, Harvey's Shrink: Yes, go on Mr. Butterworth. You were talking about your daughter. Your relationship with her hasn't improved since you undertook psychiatry.
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: Only in that she doesn't talk to me any more.
- Dr. Rawley, Harvey's Shrink: What does her mother say?
- Harvey Butterworth, Mark's Lawyer: She blames everything on those UCLA boys.
- Mark Christopher: You're only 17.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: Seventeen? I'll be 18 in four months! I can climb on a horse alone. I shoot golf in the low 140s. I belong to the best book-of-the-week club. I read parts of The New York Times I can understand. I can smoke a cigarette half-down. And I know how to mix drinks. Daiquiris: two jiggers of rum, half a lime, sugar to taste, pour over crushed ice. Serve. Martinis: five parts gin, one part vermouth, French, stir, but don't bruise the gin. Scotch over rocks.
- [winks]
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: That's Scotch and soda without the soda. Now, Mark, what more do you want in a wife? I'm a doll, and you know it!
- Mark Christopher: I'm too big to play with dolls. I'm ready for the armchair, television, a small dog to bring my slippers.
- Susan Beaurgard Landis: [pants enthusiastically like a dog] Arf! Arf!
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
