Ken Curtis credited as playing...
Festus • Brisco Cass • Festus Haggen • Frank Eaton • Jesse Turnbull • Kyle • Phil Jacks • Scout
- Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: [Festus offers to buy Doc a beer with a silver dollar that he earned from shoeing horses in episode "Whelan's Men".] Why don't you take that money and invest it in something? Why don't you do that?
- Festus Haggen: Invest it in what?
- Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: There's wonderful land values outside of Dodge. Now why don't you go out there someplace, look around, and buy yourself a lot?
- Festus Haggen: A lot of what?
- Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: A lot! A lot of land!
- Festus Haggen: Well fiddle, I can't afford to buy a lot of land. You probably could the way you've been a bilking and gouging...
- Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: Oh, hush up! I'm trying to help you, for heaven sakes. It don't cost a whole lot to buy a little lot.
- Festus Haggen: What do you mean it don't cost a whole lot to buy a little, or a whole lot to buy a lot, what do you mean?
- Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: Well, I mean,... a little lot of land!
- Festus Haggen: But there ain't no such a thing. A little's a little, and a lot's a lot, there ain't no little lot, or lot of little, don't you see? Now you want that beer or don't you?
- Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: No I'm... I'm all worn out.
- Festus Haggen: [and as Doc walks away Festus Hollers] If you change your mind me and Newly will be over at the Longbranch having a whole lot of little beers.
- [Chuckles and flips his silver dollar]
- Festus Haggen: Now I'm buying.
- Festus Haggen: Don't you think somebody oughta reckon with him, Matthew?
- U.S. Marshal Matt Dillon: What did you say his name was again, Festus?
- Festus Haggen: I think its Sinclair... Jack Sinclair.
- U.S. Marshal Matt Dillon: He's got no left hand?
- Festus Haggen: That's right. Anyways, don't you think somebody ought to go reckon with him?
- U.S. Marshal Matt Dillon: No!
- Festus Haggen: Why not, Matthew?
- U.S. Marshal Matt Dillon: Because it was my bullet that took his hand!
- Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: I'll tell you why the Hagens live so long.
- Festus Haggen: Why?
- Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: 'Cause they're too dumb to know they're dead!