- Denno Noonan: [checking a bottle of liquor he hid in his room] You know, I think one of the maids drinks.
- Tim Burke posing as Schuyler Tatlock: How would you like to be married to Nicky?
- Denno Noonan: He never asked me.
- Tim Burke posing as Schuyler Tatlock: That's something that shouldn't' happen to a dog.
- Denno Noonan: It almost did once. A girl up in Monterey...
- Denno Noonan: Let me tell you about "Stardust." That tune would romance an 80-year-old woman with Jungle fever and a broken leg. I've seen it happen.
- Miles Tatlock: Cassie, you are the first person in history to make Lucretia Borgia look like a bobbysoxer.
- Miles Tatlock: Yeah, the only time I ever rested in the cool tall grass, I got a chigger under my skin and had to go to the Mayor Clinic to have it removed.
- Denno Noonan: Get this into your head. You're impersonating a man who once broke up a Thanksgiving dinner because he thought he was the turkey. Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.