Sidney James credited as playing...
Captain Wellington Crowther
- Captain Wellington Crowther: I'm going to be blunt, and make some very cutting remarks.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: To be sure, sir, that's a contradiction in terms, but then English is a very curious language!
- Captain Wellington Crowther: If you interrupt me once more, Mr... .?
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Marjoribanks, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: You interrupt me once more, mate, and you'll hear some really curious language!
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Paperwork: not my favourite occupation.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Nor mine.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: It's going to be from now on.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Charming.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Health Report, Dock Report, Crew Report, Food Report, Log Report, Sports Report, Diesel Oil and Fuel Report.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: [singing] And a partridge in a pear tree!
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: I always find the first few days make me feel quite drowsy.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Shut your port-hole.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Begging your pardon, sir, one must have fresh...
- Captain Wellington Crowther: ...and your cake-hole.
- [Captain Crowther enters his cabin, and finds Tom Tree putting clothes in the drawers]
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Don't tell me. You're my new steward. Lovall has broken his leg. You've only done three trips, all from Tower Bridge to Margate.
- Tom Tree: That's right, sir. How can you tell?
- Captain Wellington Crowther: I'm psychic!
- [the Captain glances at his list]
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Tom Tree.
- Tom Tree: That's right, sir. Branches everywhere!
- Captain Wellington Crowther: [walking into bar] Who are you?
- Sam Turner: Me, sir? Turner, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Turner?
- Sam Turner: Turner, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: What are you doin' 'ere?
- Sam Turner: Head barman, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: You can't be head barman. Angus is my head barman.
- Sam Turner: [smiling] Not anymore, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Not any more? They can't do this to me! Changing a barman? It's like ripping out the engine!
- Captain Wellington Crowther: [on the phone] Get me the First Officer.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: [as Marjoribanks knocks on door twice immediately after the Captain's statement and enters] Come in. What delayed you?
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: I'm terribly sorry, sir.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: During the War I did Arctic runs that would've made HMS Ulysses look like a trip to Brighton. Without getting a scratch! Two days on a simple cruise with you lot and look at me!
- Captain Wellington Crowther: [answering a knock at the door] Come in!
- Wilfred Haines: [humming cheerfully as he enters] Good morning sir! Some coffee to soothe your nerves. Calm you down. There, there, I always say worse things happen at sea.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: We are at sea, you land-locked nit!
- Wilfred Haines: Well, you wouldn't know it. These modern stabilizers are marvelous...
- Captain Wellington Crowther: [answering a knock on door] Come in! You're late.
- Dr Arthur Binn: Sorry, sir. A lot of work to clear up. What with his face, and his wrist, and your nut... erm... your head, sir. Well, well, well, how are we all feeling now?
- Wilfred Haines, Tom Tree, Sam Turner: Good!
- Captain Wellington Crowther: Shut up. I usually penalize defaulters by stopping 'em a day's pay. If I did that with you, you'd owe the company money. So I'll have to be content with a few words. You, for a start, Marjoribanks.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Oh, sir, you got my name right, at last.
- Captain Wellington Crowther: I'm in the mood for using the right words. You, Marjoribanks, are a rotten...
- [the scene cuts as a seagull squawks]
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: [after he and Binn and all the others exit the Captain's dayroom] I tell you, my ears are burning.
- Dr Arthur Binn: I shouldn't wonder. Someone's been talking about you.
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: Do you think he's ever studied medicine?
- Dr Arthur Binn: I wouldn't think so, no. Why?
- First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks: In describing us, he employed a great deal of physiological terminology.
- Dr Arthur Binn: Well, he was medically incorrect in what he called you. Come on.
- [Marjoribanks looks at the Doctor in mock horror]