Peter Sellers credited as playing...
John Lewis
- John Lewis: You know what you're asking for, don't you?
- Gareth L. Probert: I always thought you were crude, Lewis, but right now you're surpassing even yourself.
- John Lewis: ...and you're going to get it in a moment, boy-o, and not in blank verse either.
- Edna Davies: In for the night, are you Mr. Lewis?
- John Lewis: If I was going out for the night, I'd be pointing the other way, Mrs. Davies.
- Edna Davies: Oh, going out are you, Mr. Lewis?
- John Lewis: Oh, very observant of you, Mrs. Davies.
- Edna Davies: Leaving the children alone, I suppose?
- John Lewis: Yes. I put the oil stove close to the cot and I turned the wick on.
- Edna Davies: You are not fit to have charge of children the way you carry on, Mr. Lewis.
- John Lewis: Well, I must get on with my boozin' now, Mrs. Davies. I have enjoyed our little chat.
- Jean Lewis: Remember, stick close to me. No wandering around, seeing what you can pick up, like you usually do.
- John Lewis: Now when did I last do that?
- Jean Lewis: The last time.
- John Lewis: That dress is too low, you know.
- Jean Lewis: Well, don't look down it.
- John Lewis: Don't look down it? It's the only pleasure left to me.
- Amorous Woman in Mobile Library: I don't know what we'd do without your visits; but, too long in between. Couldn't you ask them to let you come once a week, Mr. Lewis?
- John Lewis: Well, supply and demand, you know.
- Amorous Woman in Mobile Library: Oh, we could supply the demand if you'd let us.
- Gareth L. Probert: If you don't mind, Jean, I think I'll say good night.
- John Lewis: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You've been here before, haven't you?
- Gareth L. Probert: Once, for tea. What of it?
- John Lewis: Tea and muffins, wasn't it? Or is *muffins* absolutely the right word?
- Jean Lewis: Just ignore him, Gareth.
- John Lewis: Well, we live and learn, don't we. I suppose you just felt the urge for a cosy, literary evening?
- Jean Lewis: Oh, no. Nothing literary about this evening. I was quite flattered.
- John Lewis: You were what?
- Jean Lewis: *Flattered*.
- John Lewis: You were flattered?
- Jean Lewis: Do you want me to spell it to you?
- [first lines]
- Pretty Girl in Library: Good morning. Have you "Conditioned Reflexes"?
- John Lewis: Uh...
- Pretty Girl in Library: It's by Pavlov.
- John Lewis: Yes... It's out at the moment but if you'd like to leave your name, I could reserve it for you.
- John Lewis: Excuse me. Where do they keep the thunder box in this place?
- Party guest: I beg your pardon?
- John Lewis: Where does one go if one wants to wash one's hands?
- Gareth L. Probert: The original white collar slave. How are you, Lewis? Still peddling trash to the masses?
- John Lewis: Yes, that's true, yes. How 'bout you, still writing it?
- John Lewis: Hello, Bill. How's it been going? I hope the children didn't give you too much trouble.
- Bill: No, no... Those two were fine... That Bolk... I had to take him to the lavatory seven times.
- Salter: Am I to take it then that none of your family have ever been involved with plumbing?
- John Lewis: Well, as a matter of fact, my father once had an unfortunate experience on Euston station during the blackout. Uh, what happened was... You see, it was dark at the time and he didn't realize that the train was actually standing at the station at the time... Apart from that, no.
- Man with salt-obsessed friend: Something to do with his blood, you know. He got to get it into his bloodstream.
- John Lewis: Uh, the Pygmies have the same problem. Yes, I quite understand. Well, tell your friend not to worry because relief is on the way.
- [last lines]
- Jean Lewis: You did very well.
- John Lewis: I think I'm definitely improving, don't you?
- Jean Lewis: Oh, you've still got a long way to go.
- John Lewis: We both got a long way to go, haven't we? Quite a long drive home, isn't it?
- John Lewis: What he does, you see, he puts the canvas on the floor, chucks some whopping great dollops of paint on it and drags a naked woman across it. Yes. Yes. Sort of job I'd like, that. I'd enjoy cleaning the brushes anyway.
- Hyman: [returning a book to the library] You got any more books like that.
- John Lewis: Well, not exactly like that, My Hyman, no. Not quite so many egg stains.
- Gareth L. Probert: How are you, Lewis? Still peddling trash to the masses?
- John Lewis: Yes, that's right, yes. How about you - still writing it?