- Harry Turner: Chester, I give you my SOLEMN word. THIS time it's not dangerous.
- Chester Babcock: Not dangerous?
- Harry Turner: No.
- Chester Babcock: That's what 'cha said when you shot me out of a cannon, when you dropped me in a tank with an octopus, when you had me wrestle a gorilla. It's not dangerous! I'm not goin'. I'm through. I've had it. So forget it, *Charly*!
- Harry Turner: [hands Chester a hand mirror] Who's that?
- Chester Babcock: [seeing his reflection] I don't know, but gimme a stick and I'll kill it.
- Chester Babcock: Why do you suppose they're sending *us* up?
- Harry Turner: They wanna find out if it's gonna be safe for the apes.
- Chester Babcock: Oh.
- Chester Babcock: [espying Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra] The Italians have landed!
- Harry Turner: That's the grape and the twig, isn't is?
- Chester Babcock: Yeah, and they got the bar open.
- Harry Turner: Let's break it up.
- Chester Babcock: Those tourists.
- Leader of the 3rd Echelon: In that rocket, we're about to send two animals around the moon; and, if we succeed, we shall next send two men. And from the moon, that point of impenetrable power, I shall go before the United Nations and demand that they accede to our total and absolute control.
- Chester Babcock: [to Harry] I think he rolls his own.
- Harry Turner: An hour ago she flipped over me. I don't dig it.
- Chester Babcock: Well, that's understandable. An impressionable young thing falls for an elderly fellow. She probably thought you were a father figure.
- Harry Turner: Father figure?
- Chester Babcock: Yes, then she took another look and found out you had your father's figure.
- Leader of the 3rd Echelon: I'll deal with humanity as I please and I'll do with humanity as I choose and I'll do it from the moon with my radio lunar bombs.
- Diane: There must be some sensible solution to this problem.
- Harry Turner: Well, of course there is. Two fellas, one girl. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, you come to my house.
- Chester Babcock: Yeah. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, my house.
- Diane: What about Sunday?
- Chester Babcock: Everbody rests.
- Harry Turner: Don't I always get you the best medical attention available?
- Chester Babcock: Yeah, like that doctor you got me in Bombay last month.
- Harry Turner: How was I going to know he was an elephant doctor?
- Chester Babcock: You should have known by the size of his thermometer.
- Harry Turner: Yes, was a bit large.
- Chester Babcock: When he shook it, I was still on it.
- Harry Turner: Happy landings, buster!
- Chester Babcock: I don't know what you're so happy about. You're not mentioned in my will.
- Indian Neurologist: [examining Chester] Ugh!
- Harry Turner: What is it, Doctor?
- Indian Neurologist: Terrible heartburn. Oh, dear, put too much curry in my corn flakes, you understand.
- [as the neurologist plays his flute during Chester's examination, a cobra rises from its basket]
- Indian Neurologist: Oh, nothing to worry about. If he should give you a nip, it's very simple. All you do is to get hold of your bowie knife like this, make a cut on here, suck out the poison and spit it away. Very simple.
- Chester Babcock: Yeah, but what if he bites me in a place I can't reach?
- Indian Neurologist: That is when you find out who your real friends are.
- [while agent Diane mistakenly thinks she's made her secret contact with a microfilm photographer, Chester, thinking himself a chick magnet, simply believes he's caught the eye of a beautiful, romantic woman]
- Diane: [whispers] Do you think we're being watched?
- Chester Babcock: [noticing Harry staring at them from the bar] Definitely.
- Diane: Oh, then we'll have to hurry.
- Chester Babcock: Have we got time?
- Diane: If you work fast.
- Chester Babcock: I'll do my best.
- Diane: Good. Now, I've got the room ready at the hotel.
- Chester Babcock: Good.
- Diane: I've made all the arrangements.
- Chester Babcock: Fine.
- Diane: The shades are all drawn.
- Chester Babcock: Very sensible.
- Diane: And we can lock the door from the inside.
- Chester Babcock: Oh, good. I'd hate to get a crowd until I get the hang of it.
- [Agent Diane continues to mistakenly think she's made her secret contact with a microfilm photographer while Chester, thinking himself a chick magnet, still believes he's caught the eye of a beautiful, romantic woman]
- Diane: Are you sure you've done this sort of thing before?
- Chester Babcock: [suffering from amnesia] Well, I MUST have. When do we start?
- Diane: Right now.
- Diane: [suddenly shouting] Darling, it's so wonderful to see you again.
- [She slips him an envelop as she kisses him]
- Diane: [whispering] You've got it.
- Chester Babcock: [ego stroked and oblivious to the envelop] I know it.
- Diane: Don't lose it.
- Chester Babcock: Don't worry.
- Diane: I'll see you at the hotel.
- Chester Babcock: Pull the shades and lock the door.
- Diane: One final thing.
- Chester Babcock: Yes?
- Diane: In case I'm late, you go ahead without me.
- Harry Turner: You got a mind like a sponge.
- Chester Babcock: Yeah, don't get any ideas about squeezing it, either.
- Diane: Are you sure you're not pulling my leg?
- Harry Turner: Business first, fun and games later, mm?
- Chester Babcock: [cracks open a fortune cookie and reads] "You are under grave suspicion. Your partner suspects you of dishonesty."
- Chester Babcock: [passing it to Harry] Here, it's for you.
- Harry Turner: [gazing out an airplane window] There she lies, Chester - Hong Kong.
- Chester Babcock: Yeah, what a monument to fried rice.
- Chester Babcock: Hey, we're UNDER water! That's the ocean!
- Harry Turner: So?
- Chester Babcock: So? We spring a little leak, we'll drown.
- Harry Turner: Well, you don't have to worry. You got a built-in snorkel.
- Chester Babcock: [seeing a shark outside the porthole] Looks like he just ate Lloyd Bridges.
- Harry Turner: Don't worry. They don't eat people.
- Chester Babcock: How about actors.
- Harry Turner: We're safe.
- Diane: Mr. Babcock, if you leave now, you'll be running out on your fellow man.
- Chester Babcock: That still leaves my fellow women.
- Harry Turner: Chester, search your secret soul. Ask your patriotic conscience what to do.
- Chester Babcock: I already did.
- Harry Turner: What'd it say?
- Chester Babcock: "Yankee, go home."
- Chester Babcock: Who do you think they'll be shooting at - you or the schnook with the I.B.M. machine up his univac?
- Harry Turner: How do we get out of here?
- Diane: The submarine. I can handle it.
- Chester Babcock: I know. I read the script.
- Harry Turner: Those guys mean business. They're killers, murders.
- Chester Babcock: Besides that, they're unfriendly.
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