Jerry Lewis credited as playing...
Prof. Julius Kelp • Buddy Love
- Professor Julius Kelp: Learning a lesson in life is - is never - is never really too late. And I think that the - the lesson that I learned came just in time. I don't want to - I don't want to be something that I'm not. I didn't like being someone else. At the same time, I'm very glad I was. 'Cause I found out something that I never knew. You might as well like yourself. Just think about all the time you're going to have to spend with you. And - well, if you don't think much of yourself, how can others? That's what I found out.
- Purple Pit Bartender: What'll it be?
- Buddy Love: Aww... That's no way to talk. Tsk, tsk, tsk. "What'll it be?" That's no way to treat a customer. C'mere. Try it like this. Pay attention. You'll feel better and the customers'll be happier. Try this: "What'll it be? Hmmm?" Try that. Come on. We haven't got all night. Try it.
- Purple Pit Bartender: What'll it be? Hmmm?
- Buddy Love: Good! That was wonderful. Did anyone ever tell you you couldn't sing?
- Dr. Mortimer S. Warfield: Now try to understand that I understand, that scientists and creators have their little eccentricities. Einstein hated hair cuts, Da Vinci loved to paint, and Newton...
- Professor Julius Kelp: He had something to do with figs, didn't he?
- Dr. Mortimer S. Warfield: So therefore I, too, realize that you have many of these - eccentricities. Try leaving them in the locker when you come in in the morning, Professor. And, by all means, feel free to take them home with you at night!
- Professor Julius Kelp: And to me, Carbon Dioxide,
- [as Buddy]
- Professor Julius Kelp: Has always been a gas.
- [Stella looks up shocked]
- Professor Julius Kelp: [as Professor Kelp] No I didn't mean that, Yes actually...
- [as Buddy]
- Professor Julius Kelp: Actually it kinda swings and...
- [He faked a cough]
- Buddy Love: They're nice kids. All nice. All nice kids. They have very, very good taste, I might add.
- Stella Purdy: I'm glad. It would be a shame to waste the genius of yours on the riff-raff.
- Buddy Love: Well, honey, I always say, if you're good and you know it, why waste time beating around the bush, true?
- Stella Purdy: And I always say that to love yourself is the beginning of a life-long romance. And after watching you, I know that you and you will be very happy together.
- Buddy Love: Just a minute, sweetheart. I don't recall dismissing you.
- Stella Purdy: You rude, discourteous egomaniac!
- Buddy Love: You're crazy about me, right? And I can understand it. Only this morning, looking in the mirror before shaving, I enjoyed seeing what I saw so much I couldn't tear myself away.
- [kisses his hand]
- Buddy Love: Have some, baby?
- Buddy Love: All right, let's continue. A shot of vermouth.
- Purple Pit Bartender: [continues mixing the drink] A shot of vermouth...
- Buddy Love: A shot of gin.
- Purple Pit Bartender: A little gin...
- Buddy Love: A little brandy.
- Purple Pit Bartender: A little brandy...
- Buddy Love: Lemon peel.
- Purple Pit Bartender: A lemon peel...
- Buddy Love: Orange peel.
- Purple Pit Bartender: Some orange peel...
- Buddy Love: Sherry.
- [Bartender look at Buddy in shock]
- Buddy Love: Some more scotch.
- Purple Pit Bartender: Some more scotch.
- Buddy Love: Now mix it nice and pour it into a tall glass.
- [the bartender shakes up Buddy's drink, then places the tall glass by him]
- Purple Pit Bartender: Hey, I've never tried one of these. Do you mind if I take a sip?
- Buddy Love: No, go right ahead.
- Purple Pit Bartender: [Bartender pours a small helping in a small glass, then sips it] Not bad.
- Buddy Love: I know what you're thinking: Where's he been all my life? Right?
- Stella Purdy: No, not exactly.
- Buddy Love: And that you're happy with the way I handled those three goons, right? Well, normally I would've belted them, but I didn't want to muss myself all up and have you dance with a sloppy guy. Dig?
- Stella Purdy: Well then, you restrained yourself just for little old me.
- Buddy Love: I knew you'd appreciate it. I do a lot of nice things.
- Stella Purdy: Well, is that really the case or is this line 27-a for young college girls?
- Buddy Love: Aww, now you see? You went and done it. For one of the rare times in my life when I dig down into the soul, and you doubt my veracity. Well, that hurts.
- Stella Purdy: Well, it's not your veracity that I doubt.
- [pause]
- Stella Purdy: The music stopped.
- Buddy Love: Yeah, I heard.
- Buddy Love: Here y'are, baby. Take this, wipe the lipstick off, slide over here next to me, and let's get started.
- Buddy Love: Hiya, chicky baby. How's it going?
- Stella Purdy: Fine.
- Buddy Love: Crazy. I thought I'd visit your little land of learning. Cute. Cute pad.
- Stella Purdy: What happened to you last night? What'd you run away like that for? I thought you saw a ghost or something.
- Buddy Love: Oh yeah. How 'bout that? Well, that's why I stopped by. I thought I'd lay it on ya, but this ain't the place to talk. What do you say we meet later at the Purple Pit? We can talk better there.
- Stella Purdy: Well, I dunno. You're pretty weird, you know, and I don't want...
- Buddy Love: Chi-chi. Ten o' clock?
- Stella Purdy: Perfect.
- Buddy Love: Figures.
- Gym Attendant: Are you hurt?
- Professor Julius Kelp: Well, if a man with an ulcer and a splinter in his finger and a nail in his foot was then struck by lightning, if you could say that man was not hurt then yes you could say I'm not hurt.
- Professor Julius Kelp: [after being helped off the shelf of a closet] Thank you, Miss Purdy.
- Stella Purdy: Are you all right, Professor?
- Professor Julius Kelp: Oh yes, I... this is very embarrassing, Miss Purdy.
- Stella Purdy: Why don't you call me Stella, Professor.
- Professor Julius Kelp: Oh, I thought it was Stella Purdy. Oh, you mean to call you Stella. Yes. How stupid of me. Sorry. All right, I will, stupid. Uh, Stella.
- Purple Pit Bartender: [Arrives with several bottles of spirits; to Buddy] Did you say a Polar Bear Heater?
- Buddy Love: No, YOU said it! I said an Alaskan Polar Bear Heater.
- Purple Pit Bartender: I never heard of that.
- Buddy Love: Until now.
- Purple Pit Bartender: [mumbles] Until now.
- Buddy Love: All right, pay attention. Two shots of vodka.
- Purple Pit Bartender: [starts mixing the drink] Two shots of vodka...
- Buddy Love: A little rum.
- Purple Pit Bartender: A little rum...
- Buddy Love: Some bitters...
- Purple Pit Bartender: Some bitters...
- Buddy Love: And a smidgen of vinegar.
- Purple Pit Bartender: [grabs the vinegar] A smidgen of... Are you gonna drink this here or you're gonna take it home and rub it on your chest?
- Buddy Love: Hey, that was terrific! Hey, did ya hear that, folks? A regular George Bernard Shaw. Good boy! And he did it all by himself. You did all by yourself and nobody helped you. That's terrific...
- [insulted and angry]
- Buddy Love: and with your very own big mouth! Now if you don't want this cocktail shaker to be a part of your gums, mix the drink, shut your mouth and pay attention. Is that clear? Repeat after me. I'll...
- Purple Pit Bartender: I'll...
- Buddy Love: I'll pay...
- Purple Pit Bartender: I'll pay...
- Buddy Love: I'll pay attention.
- Purple Pit Bartender: I'll pay attention.
- Gym Attendant: We don't wear glasses at Vic Tanny's.
- Professor Julius Kelp: Oh, well fine, then I'll just take these off. I didn't realize that you're not supposed to, eh, there's nowhere really that I - is there some place that I could put them?
- Gym Attendant: Would you like me to put these in a locker for you?
- Professor Julius Kelp: Well, I certainly would appreciate it. You're very kind. I would have put them there had I known that there was some form of restriction. Some people use them for a façade, I wear them for eyes. You see, "for eyes", it's a play on "eyes".
- Dr. Mortimer S. Warfield: All right, Kelp. Simmer down and relax. I'm sure that we won't have to have another little talk like this again. Am I correct in assuming this?
- Professor Julius Kelp: Oh, without question, you're absolutely - yes, we'll never have to correct our talk. We won't ever speak. That is, we'll never have to talk again. We just never will discuss talking. Er, we shouldn't really - converse about speaking.
- Professor Julius Kelp: Revenge might have been the motivating force, but I feel now that curiosity has taken over where revenge began. I am - I am more or less being compelled by completing something that I started. I must finish what I start, finish what I start.
- Buddy Love: You listen. Sit down here. And if you listen, you'll be thrilled. Believe you me. Sit and listen and watch. Mood is wrong. Mood is wrong! Innkeeper, got sexy lights? Lay it on me. Better. Better. Now, watch, baby. Every move a picture.
- [plays piano and sings]
- Buddy Love: That old black magic has me in its spell, That old black magic that you weave so well, Those icy fingers up and down my spine, The same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine, The same old tingle that I feel inside, And then that elevator starts its ride, And down, down, down I go...
- Buddy Love: Cool it. And if you're real nice lads, cute little chappies, later on I'll let you twirl my key-chain.
- Stella Purdy: The class is gonna have a mid-term celebration tonight at the Purple Pit. We'd love having you to join us.
- Professor Julius Kelp: Thank you, Miss Purdy. It's terribly considerate and kind of you, and I appreciate it, and all that and I have always said that I feel there should be a closer interrelationship between the student and the faculty based on better *learning*, yet at the same time, I'm sure you're aware that the Purple Pit is off limits to the faculty of the university.