- [first lines]
- Captain Ainsley Greer: You there, which way to Pepperinge Eye?
- Elderly Farmer: Couldn't say, sir. It said on the wireless to paint out the sign posts in case the Nazis drop in.
- Captain Ainsley Greer: I'm not a Nazi, I'm a British officer!
- Elderly Farmer: That's what you'd say if you *was* a Nazi, isn't it sir?
- Home Guard: [singing] Call out the navy, call out the ranks, call out the air force, call out the tanks! From the cliffs of Dover, call up the gulls; and don't forget the loyal territorials! But who's digging in here? Who will defend, ev'ry inch of England, no matter what they send? Who's standing firm in their own front yard? The soldiers of the old Home Guard, that's who! The soldiers of the old Home Guard! For we wrote the story of the old brigade, we know the glory of yesterday's parades! Who's standing firm in their own front yard? The soldiers of the old Home Guard, that's who! The soldiers of the old Home Guard!
- Colonel Heller: No, Fraulein, this is not the invasion, just a little exercise. A minor raid to induce panic and spread a little mischief. When you English get it through your head that the German forces can land at will whenever and wherever we please, perhaps you will consider reasonable peace.
- Charlie Rawlins: [angrily] Not bloody likely!
- [during the soccer match]
- Charlie Rawlins: Foul! Foul!
- Carrie Rawlins: They're only animals.
- Charlie Rawlins: That's no excuse for dirty football.
- Eglentine Price: You must have given us the wrong address! You don't live *here*, do you?
- Mr. Browne: In point of fact I do. Temporarily, at any rate. I found the front door open, the house was deserted! Everyone has left the neighborhood.
- Eglentine Price: Now why should they do that?
- Mr. Browne: This probably has something to do with it.
- [shows them a pit with an unexploded shell in it]
- Eglentine Price: Merciful heavens! I should think you'd be *terrified* at the very idea of living here!
- Mr. Browne: You'd have thought so, wouldn't you? I am by nature a *little* bit of a coward; but then I pondered, as I often do. In the perverse nature of things, this diabolical object is probably the best friend I've ever had. It has enabled me, for the first time in my life, to live like a king. Shall we go in?
- [as all of Miss Price's belongings come alive thanks to a magic incantation]
- Miss Price: That's my nightgown.
- Mr. Browne: [dancing with it] Is it really, my dear?
- Miss Price: Yes, and I'm not responsible for its behaviour.
- Mr. Browne: Obviously not, my dear.
- Mr. Browne: [singing] Portobello Road, Portobello Road, street where the riches of ages are stowed! Anything and everything a chap can unload, is sold off the barrow in Portobello Road. You'll find what you want in the Portobello Road!
- Eglentine Price: [singing] When you rush around in hopeless circles, searching everywhere for something true, you're at the age of not believing, when all the make-believe is through.
- Carrie Rawlins: [speaking] That's Charlie, to a 'T'.
- Eglentine Price: [still singing] When you set aside your childhood heroes, and your dreams are lost upon a shelf, you're at the age of not believing, and worst of all you doubt yourself.
- [speaking; about an apple core]
- Eglentine Price: Throw that into the waste basket.
- [singing]
- Eglentine Price: You're a castaway where no one hears you, on a barren isle in a lonely sea.
- Charlie Rawlins: [speaking] What's that supposed to be, poetry?
- Eglentine Price: [still singing] Where did all the happy endings go? Where can all the good times be?
- [speaking]
- Eglentine Price: Everyone on the bed who's going.
- [singing]
- Eglentine Price: You must face the age of not believing, doubting everything you ever knew. Until at last, you start believing there's something wonderful in you!
- [Secretary Bird notices the King's star is missing and reacts]
- Lion: Stop jibbering!
- [hits Secretary Bird on the head]
- Lion: What's the matter with you?
- Secretary Bird: [blubbering] Your royal star! They've stolen your royal star!
- Lion: [laughs] Don't be ridiculous! What do you think this is?
- [the King dangles a whistle in front of Secretary Bird, who blows on it]
- Lion: Whyyyyyyyyyyy didn't youuuuuuuuu sayyyyyyyyyyyyy sooooooooooooooo?
- [the King roars so loudly, he blows Secretary Bird's clothes off]
- Eglentine Price: I don't believe in giving animals ridiculous names. I call him Cosmic Creepers, because that's the name he came with.
- [Miss Price and the Bookman have both halves of The Spells of Astoroth]
- Bookman: I assume you're looking for the same thing I am.
- [holds out his right hand]
- Bookman: May I?
- [they exchange halves]
- Bookman: This is... quite a moment for both of us.
- [flips through the pages]
- Bookman: "Substitutiary Locomotion, the lost... miracle of the ancients." And so on and so forth. Ah! Here we are! "The spell which creates this force is five mystic words. These words are--"
- [turns the last page]
- Miss Eglantine Price: "Engraved... on the star that was always worn by the sorcerer Astoroth."
- Bookman: But where are the words of the spell? I assumed they'd be in *your* half of the manuscript!
- Miss Eglantine Price: But I thought they'd be in *yours*!
- Bookman: Once again, a dead end.
- [slumps back to his desk]
- Bookman: I shall never know the secret.
- [sinks down into his chair]
- Professor Emelius Browne: [points at a picture in the book] Isn't that old Astoroth? And there's his star. It's a pity it's so small you can't read the writing.
- Miss Eglantine Price: But why the animals?
- Bookman: Towards the end of his life, Astoroth kept animals in cages and searched for the spells that would make them more like humans. The legend is that finally the animals rebelled at the experiment, killed Astoroth and stole many of his powers.
- Miss Eglantine Price: Including the star with the spell on it.
- Bookman: Possibly. They found a ship, sailed away and were never heard of again. However, there's a final notation in my half of the book saying that in the seventeenth century, a shipwrecked lascar was taken from the sea, half mad with thirst and exposure to the sun. Before he died, he *swore* he had seen an island ruled by animals.
- Miss Eglantine Price: [intrigued] Where?
- Bookman: [shrugs] There is, I regret to say, no such island. I looked for it on every chart. The Isle of Naboombu does not exist.
- Paul Rawlins: Oy, does too! Got me own--
- [Charlie clamps his right hand over Paul's mouth, making his words come out muffled]
- Bookman: What is he trying to say?
- Charles "Charlie" Rawlins: Nothing. When he don't say nothing, he burbles.
- Bookman: [points at Paul] I wish the child to speak!
- Charles "Charlie" Rawlins: [removes his hand from Paul's mouth] Now you've done it.
- Paul Rawlins: What is it? A toy shop?
- Carrie Rawlins: No, it's a nursery. Ain't you ever seen a nursery?
- Charlie Rawlins: No and neither 'ave you!
- Charlie Rawlins: Hurt your foot, Miss Price?
- Miss Price: Oh, just twisted my ankle.
- Charlie Rawlins: Sorry to hear that.
- Miss Price: Thank you. It's nothing serious.
- Charlie Rawlins: Lovely weather for flying last night.
- [heavy pause]
- Miss Price: Why did you say that, Charles?
- Charlie Rawlins: [bringing out her broken broomstick] Game's up, Miss Price. We know what you are.
- Miss Price: I see.
- [she looks worriedly at Charles]
- Charlie Rawlins: Don't worry, Miss Price. No one's gonna peach on you.
- Eglentine Price: The Spell which creates this force is 5 mystic words. These words are...
- [pause as Miss Price looks at the book]
- Eglentine Price: But the rest of the book is missing.
- Mr. Browne: Now you see why I closed down the college.
- [Ms. Price speaks the magic spell for the first time; nothing happens]
- Eglentine Price: Am I doing something wrong?
- Mr. Browne: Well, to tell you the truth, it does seem a bit old-fashioned. After all, we are in the twentieth century.
- Eglentine Price: What do you suggest?
- Mr. Browne: Well, it needs rhythm, tempo, music! As I always say: do it with a flair.
- [rummaging through Miss Price's spells]
- Mr. Browne: Where is it?
- [getting slightly annoyed]
- Mr. Browne: Confound it why can't women learn to file things properly!
- [Nazi's begin to pound on the door]
- Mr. Browne: Ah, here it is! Uh,filigree apogee pedigree perigee!
- [blows out the match, then quickly runs and sits in front of a mirror]
- Mr. Browne: Filigree, uh, apogee, oh pedigree perigee!
- [Nothing happens, the Nazi's pounding is getting louder]
- Mr. Browne: [to his reflection] Now come on my boy, for once in your life you've got to believe in something! That's it, good lad.
- [concentrates]
- Mr. Browne: Filigree apogee pedigree perigee!
- [Mr. Browne's nose begins to twitch uncontrollably, he smiles as the spell surrounds him, the Nazi's finally break into the room, but they clearly can't believe what they see. Mr. Browne has turned himself into a fluffy white rabbit, and off he scampers to save Miss Price and the children]
- Charlie Rawlins: [reading a container, disgustedly] Poisoned Dragon's Liver?
- Eglentine Price: [repeating matter-of-factly] Poisoned Dragon Liver.
- Paul Rawlins: You mean you poison the dragon, or just the liver?
- Mr. Browne: Observe the fundamental weakness of the criminal mind. You will believe no one or anything.
- Mr. Browne: Bookman! Before your very eyes, I shall cause this bed, and all the occupants upon it, to disappear!
- Bookman: Disappear? I should like to see a cheap-jack tenth-rate entertainer do a trick like that.
- Mr. Browne: Cheap-jack entertainer. Now that was naughty.
- Eglentine Price: [singing] I don't want locomotiary substitution or remote intransitory convolution; only one precise solution is the key: substitutiary locomotion it must be!
- Mr. Browne: This good lady is looking for the other half of this book.
- Eglentine Price: It's called The Spells of Astoroth.
- Portobello Road Book Merchant: I don't keep no torn or damaged books here. What do you think I am, a ruddy waste paper merchant?
- Mr. Browne: Now, I shall place the framed glass in this brown, unprepared - unprepared, mark you, ladies and gentlemen - unprepared brown paper bag.
- Mr. Browne: [after being transformed into a rabbit a second time] Does one's nose have to twitch like this?
- Eglentine Price: [not looking up from the book] Oh, you're back, Mr. Browne.
- Mr. Browne: Madam, a word about your tactics - I don't mind so much being turned into a hawk or a tiger, or something with a bit of dash to it, but always a fluffy, white rabbit? It's intolerable!
- [Miss Price sits in her armchair as she opens a letter and reads it]
- Professor Emelius Browne: [voice-over] Dear Madame, it *grieves* me to inform you that due to the war, we have been forced to close down our college of witchcraft. This means that we shall not be sending you the final lesson in which you expressed so much interest.
- [Miss Price blinks sadly; Carrie, Charlie and Paul stand by on the stairs]
- Carrie Rawlins: We were wondering what was keeping you.
- Miss Eglantine Price: I've had some very bad news.
- Carrie Rawlins: Is there anything we can do?
- Miss Eglantine Price: [takes off her glasses] No. No, thank you.
- [her eyes widen as she rises up from her armchair]
- Miss Eglantine Price: Yes. Yes, there *is* something that *Paul* can do.
- Paul Rawlins: Me?
- Miss Eglantine Price: Paul, I need the bedknob back. I must get to London immediately.
- Paul Rawlins: No! I want to go to the jungle.
- Miss Eglantine Price: Oh, I know, but...
- Charles "Charlie" Rawlins: Wait a moment.
- [approaches Miss Price]
- Charles "Charlie" Rawlins: I'll handle this.
- Carrie Rawlins: Charlie, be careful.
- Charles "Charlie" Rawlins: What you're saying, Miss Price, is you now wish to take the object, which you gave to an innocent child, and get him mixed up in some kind of witch's hanky-panky?
- Miss Eglantine Price: Well, yes, in a way, but...
- Charles "Charlie" Rawlins: Well, a few odd shillings might fix matters up, as you might say.
- [rubs his fingers together]
- Miss Eglantine Price: No, Charles. Money has got nothing to do with it, and, as a matter of fact, neither have you. Come with me, Paul.
- [Paul follows her to the armchair; she sits down]
- Miss Eglantine Price: Now, Paul, ridiculous as it may seem to have to explain this to a six-year-old child, but I *do* need your help.
- Paul Rawlins: Go ahead.
- Miss Eglantine Price: I was expecting a *very* important spell in the mail from my teacher, Professor Emelius Browne, and it hasn't come.
- Paul Rawlins: What's that got to do with my knob?
- Miss Eglantine Price: I must go to London immediately and see Professor Browne. With his help, we may be able to bring this war to a successful end. That is why I need the knob. What is your decision?
- [Paul looks down at the knob, then turns to Charlie, who shakes his head; Paul hands the knob over to Miss Price]
- Miss Eglantine Price: Thank you, Paul.
- Charlie Rawlins: That Mrs. Hobday seemed to fancy you.
- Mr. Browne: Shhh. I consider her a very dangerous person.
- Charlie Rawlins: What, Her?
- Mr. Browne: Mrs. Hobday is the most dangerous of species - a matchmaker.
- [Miss Price flips through the pages of The Spells of Astoroth]
- Miss Eglantine Price: Ah, here we are. "Substitutiary Locomotion. The ancient art of--" etcetera. "The spell which creates this force is five mystic words. These words are--"
- [turns the last page, but finds nothing; flips back through the pages, then looks at Professor Browne]
- Miss Eglantine Price: But the rest of the book is missing!
- Professor Emelius Browne: Now you see why I closed down the college.
- Miss Eglantine Price: Where are the other pages?
- Professor Emelius Browne: [scoffs and shakes his head] Haven't the foggiest.
- [leans back against the bookshelf and crosses his arms]
- Miss Eglantine Price: [storms over] Listen to me, Mr. Browne!
- Professor Emelius Browne: I'm all ears.
- Miss Eglantine Price: You *will* be if you don't pay attention. *Where* did you get this *book*?
- Professor Emelius Browne: Oh, I bought it from a chap in the street market. Eh, there was a bit of unpleasantness, as a matter of fact. He claimed that I'd given him a dud coin, I ask you. There was a sort of scuffle, then the book tore, he got one half, and I got the other.
- Miss Eglantine Price: But where's the other half *now*?
- Professor Emelius Browne: Oh, it's probably been thrown away, but if it still exists, there's only one place to find it.
- Miss Eglantine Price: Where is that?
- Carrie Rawlins: Why do you keep the curtains closed?
- Professor Emelius Browne: So that we may enjoy the gentle glow of candlelight.
- Charles "Charlie" Rawlins: More likely so's the coppers don't peek in and catch you hiding out here.
- [last lines]
- Charles "Charlie" Rawlins: I suppose that's it. We ain't gonna have no fun no more.
- Paul Rawlins: Well, I still got this, don't I?
- [holds up the bedknob, which sparkles bright red]
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