Peter O'Toole credited as playing...
Jack 14th Earl of Gurney
- Lady Claire Gurney: How do you know you're God?
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Simple. When I pray to Him, I find I am talking to myself.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [Awakening in the morning on the giant cross where he sleeps at night] My heart rises with the sun. I'm purged of doubts and negative innuendos. Today I want to bless everything. Bless the crawfish with it's scuttling walk. Bless the trout, pilchard and periwinkle. Bless Ted Smoothey of 22 East Hackney Road. Bless the mealy redpole, the black-gloved wallaby and W.C. Fields, who is dead but lives on. Bless the snotty-nosed giraffe. Bless the buffalo. Bless the Society of Women Engineers. Bless the pygmy hippy. Bless the mighty cockroach.
- [shouts]
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Bless me. Today is my wedding day!
- [He leaps off the cross]
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: For what I am about to receive, may I make myself truly thankful.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Behaviour which would be considered insanity in a tradesman is looked upon as mild eccentricity in a lord.
- Sir Charles: We're just talking about you and the subject of marriage. We think you should take a wife.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Who from?
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Join me for a constitutional before lunch, Mr. Tucker.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [to others]
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Enjoy yourselves while I'm gone. Relax. Have sex.
- Lady Claire Gurney: [shocked] My... GOD!
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [peeping in as if he had been called back] Yes?
- Mrs. Piggot-Jones: [screams as she sees Jack's giant cross] Oh! What is it?
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: A watusi walking stick! Big people, the watusi!
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Surely you pray for love and understanding?
- Lady Claire Gurney: Every night...
- Lady Claire Gurney: [glancing pointedly at her husband] ... without success.
- Sir Charles: [exasperated, after meeting Jack] Oh, my God!
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [ducking back into the room after hearing Charles] Yes?
- Lady Claire Gurney: How did it happen? How did you come to be in this state?
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Like every prophet I saw visions, I heard voices, I ran. The voices of Saint Frances, Socrates, General Gordon, and Timothy Leary, they all told me I was God. It was Sunday, August the 5th, at 3:32.
- Sir Charles: There are certain matters to do with the estate that need clearing up. Nothing important. Just need your signature. Gives me power to handle odd things.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Of course, Uncle.
- Sir Charles: There's no need to read it. Just take my word.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I take your word. I put on my glasses because I feel cold. Where do I sign?
- Sir Charles: Just there. Excellent, excellent. Easily done, eh?
- [reading the signature]
- Sir Charles: "I, the undersigned, Mycroft Holmes?" Who's Mycroft Holmes?
- Tucker: Brother of Sherlock Holmes, you illiterate oaf.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I stand outside myself, watching myself watching myself. I smile, I smile, I smile.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Anything you care for? The Grand Canyon? A disused banana factory? Absolution?
- Grace: A white wedding.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Will Tuesday suit you?
- Grace: You deserve a big kiss.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Not here in the garden. Last time I was kissed in a garden, it turned out rather awkward.
- Grace: Oh, but Judas was a man.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Yes. Strange business.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Anything you care for? The Grand Canyon? A disused banana factory? Absolution?
- Grace: A white wedding.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Would next Tuesday suit you?
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Whroom! I'm always thinking so fast. Whroom! Space and time exist only within the walls of my brain. Whroom! What I'm trying to say - is if the words sound queer or funny to your ear, a little bit jumbled up and jivey, sing mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. Ivy, ivy? Who's Ivy? I've - I, I - For I'm the Lord Jesus come again in my own body - to heal the sick, the troubled and the ignorant. I am he that liveth, and behold, I am alive for everyone.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Britain - a fly-blown speck in the North Sea. You can't kick the natives in the back streets of Calcutta anymore.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Don't forget. Apart from being God, Christ and the Holy Ghost, I'm also an L.O.B., D.F.C. And A.D.C. You're dealing with the big one!
- Grace: Are you ready for them?
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Are they ready for me, Madam?
- Grace: You're more than just cured, Jack. You've got that something extra - what we call star quality.
- Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: It will be a triumphant climax.
- Grace: Talking of climaxes, you were a lot more loving when you were potty.